A Longing for Heaven

I don't know about you, but there are times when the desire to see heaven and worship at God's feet becomes so overwhelming that my soul seems to overflow. Some days this happens because of all the good and joy that have come from the day,but most of the time it occurs when I'm weary of fighting pain. I promise, I don't spend my time thinking o' poor me. And I know that you are probably as tired of me talking about my pain as I am with dealing with it. But there are times when the desire to see God's face becomes so intense, so great a need that I become physically weak with the longing. Paul makes a statement close to this that To live is Christ and to die is gain. I soo get this scripture now. I understand Moses pleading with God to allow him to see His face. I can honestly say for me there is no fear in death, only a longing and desire for the troubles of this world to end quickly, so I can go home. (I promise that the only thing I'll do to hasten this is heart felt prayer for the Second coming.) I'm soo thankful the Father has given us the Holy Spirit-the Comforter. He takes the very groanings of my heart and presents them to the Father with an eloquence no mortal man could pen. He brings to mind those precious passages of scripture that are filled with the promises of being given no load too heavy to bear, that the Great Physician is near and works through prayer on our behalf, and just How Beautiful Heaven Must Be. He allows us to feel the closeness of the Father...if we'll just be still and know that He is God.

What joy there is in knowing that Our Father does care (Satan uses the pain and trials to throw us off track, look at the book of Job). Satan kept telling God if you'll let me just take everything from him, he won't put his faith in You. Job had days where he wished he'd never been born and he questioned the "why" of his suffering.

There are blessings that come with this type of longing. If I'm going to pray for Christ to return quickly, then I'd better be sure I'm ready to stand before the judgement seat. So it causes me to do a lot of heart exploration and to question Is My Heart Right With God? If He returns in the next moment, am I ready to join Him? Am I living and Following in the Footsteps of Jesus? Do my friends know that I'm a Christian by the love I show not only to my brothers and sisters but to the stranger on the street? Do I allow my light to shine so that those who come in contact with me can see the Son in my actions and speech? Do I spend time in prayer praising God for the many blessings He's given, praying in faith for healing and contentment? Am I being the Christian mama God wants me to be? In my speech, does my little man hear respect for his earthly father? Do I take advantage of each teachable moment when it comes to helping him see our Heavenly Father? Am I teaching Him the power of prayer? Does he see in my actions that I am struggling to work out my salvation with fear and trembling, study and prayer, and can I give an answer for the HOPE that lives in me?

The answers to the questions above are not all "yes" answers. In fact, just this week, I sat my little man down and had a very grown up disscussion with him about my attitude and his. I apologized for not having the patience I should and promised I would work on it. I also pointed out some areas he needed to work on too.

Yesterday, for the first time, I didn't find that comfort that ussually comes from a trip to the beach. Maybe just maybe, God wants me to feel His very tangible presence, in a quiet back room of the house, in the dark,all by myself, just me and Him. To realize in a small place, His greatness. To know I don't have to leave my room to find Him, He's always here...He always holds me in His arms and that He can make me feel just how powerful He is here in the quiet, as well as in the salt air and wind and the pounding surf. Or maybe I just didn't take the time to relax and give all the "yuck" and pain to the Ocean breeze to carry far out to sea, so that I could see the power of the Father.

I pray for the 2nd Coming to come quickly.(I know that this is a prayer that has been prayed for since the apostles met in the upper room after Christ's resurrection.) I long to look upon the face of GOD, I look forward to spending an eternity singing praises at the foot of His throne, and I look forward to the fullfillment of the promise that there will be no tears and no pain as we walk the streets of gold. This is the peace that passes all understanding, the comfort that we gain when we wear the yoke of Christ and let Him take the reigns and give Him the CONTROL, instead of pulling and fighting the bit. My Jesus Knows Just What I Need, He Satisfies and Every Need Supplies, I just have to let go and let God!

Happy Valentine's Day

WoW, It has been forever since I've updated this blog! The headache level has been high and now most of my creative energy goes toward trying to find ways to make learning fun for my little man. All that said, it's not the reason for this blog today :)
Happy Valentine's Day!
How blessed I am to live with two very special "boys", OK Rich isn't a boy but an awesome man and husband. He has always been and Lord willing will always be my white knight in shining armer. He's a fixer, if there's a problem...a dragon to slay,he gets out there and does it. He has taken the time to educate himself in how to use acupunture and accupressure to help my headaches, and he keeps me out of the ER with his skill. I know that he's weary of fighting this particular dragon just as much as I am of being in it's clutches. Yet he continues to fight and stay in the den of the beast with me and for that I'm so thankful and so blessed. Not many men stay,to fight this fight. I know this from group therapy sessions in the headache clinic where out of 30 women only two of us still were with the same mate we began the fight of the headache with. So, Happy Valentines,RERE!! You are the other half of my soul, I love how you make me feel beautiful even when my hair is a mess,I'm still in my pj's, and I'm wearing that unseen flashing sign that says "DON"T TOUCH, TOO MUCH PAIN". You sweet man are my rock and yet I love how you allow me to see how deeply you love me and our beautiful son.
Nine years ago today, I gave my little man his first valentine. It was one of those toys that crinckled, and rattled and had arms and legs. It went straight into his mouth (it still seems that almost everything still goes straight into his mouth :)). But he took that toy and immediately began chewing on it and wrestling with it as he played on his pallet on the floor, and I...well I fell even more in love with him and didn't know a mama's heart could be so full, yet over the years that love has grown stronger and stronger. As a little man of 8,he has a heart that is filled with compassion, a love for our heavenly Father, and such joy that it overflows onto and into those who meet him. He is my heart! He taught me that I can continue to share my heart with others and that he can share his heart with others and there is still plenty of love left to share. How blessed we have been with this little man. I also love the fact that he can sometimes be a walking, talking reflection of his daddy. He desires perfection, he wants to help those who need help, and yes he is a stubborn as the day is long,but that is a trait that will serve him well as he grows. He'll say something and the way he says it has my RERE written all over it and sometimes just his expression reminds me so much of his daddy that I can't help but laugh.
So on this Valentine's Day,I give my heart all over again to my boys. I love you more than words could ever express!!
To all those family members and friends out there, I love you,too!! Your prayers and encouragement make moving through each day with chronic pain possible. You have my heart as well. To our birthmother, thanks again for choosing us to share your heart with, you are as much a part of our forever family as little man is! Happy Valentine's Day all. Don't forget to share your love with those near and far...you never know when the opprotunity may be taken away from you. And finally as the Psalmist says "God is good,His LOVE endures forever!!

A time of soul searching.

I must admit that I have not been the easiest person to live with for the last 2 months (and those who knew before the headache might even agree for the last 11 years). I've been frustrated, hurt, at times lonely, and there is always my constant companion pain. My sweet family has listened to me spend time trying to figure out just what I need to do so I can be happier with myself and those around me. I have spent much time in prayer and have worked at remembering that if the devil already has you, he doesn't keep coming back for you.
So, all of that said...I've decided to pray that God will help me not to judge those who judge me. This is a tough one for me,I do care what others think of me and I do want to have people in my home. I'm a strong believer in that if you want to be a soul winner you have to be willing to expose your own soul. Yet with the way the headache works, there are days when it takes everything I have to convince myself to get out of bed and do school. One most days, if you come to see me, you'll see laundry on the laundry couch(BTW those clothes are clean), dirty socks scattered about the floor,a pile of dishes in the kitchen sink, and very often a pile of laundry waist deep in front of the washing machine. I would hate to see just how that pile would be if there were more than just 3 of us. We happen to be a family that organizes by stacks (that could be clothes, mail, and school) and as long as we don't move each others stack we can find what we need quickly :). I have to say that I DO NOT want this to be the way I keep my home. But, all those clothes and dishes will still be there (and when we get desperate they do get cleaned up)but the precious time God has given me with Samuel being "little" will be short lived and I would much rather devote my "feel good" time to him. It is an effort some days to talk (I know this is hard to believe because I can definitely rattle on forever) and to even be nice. I ask myself is what I'm getting frustrated over something that needs correction or is it JUST the headache making me feel like it's a big deal. So, anyway, if you come to see me (and I hope that you will)... don't expect an emasculate house where everything has a place and everything is in it's place, but come and see me and not the clutter, allow me to go to the kitchen and get you a drink (I promise I do have clean glasses and when I don't we have plastic) but please don't follow me to the kitchen sink. Once upon a time a was a very good housekeeper, but bending over to pick up clothes and toys and the clanking of dishes in the sink don't miss well with the headache.
So, I'm praying for contentment for where I am in all those things. I'm praying that I will accept that my house, my life, and my body size will not keep me from the plan Christ has for me even when I'm not happy with me. I'm praying that the blessings that come with the headache will be more evident and I'm praying that the Father will renew a right spirit within in.
What joy we have to look forward to! Don't you know that our home in heaven will be self cleaning, pain free, and filled with those we love who have gone before. How blessed we are to know that we have so much to look forward to. May God grant you happiness and peace during the holiday season and for those of you who are grieving and missing sweet faces at your table may God bring you comfort.

Sister Wives

The headache has spent the last 5 days raging, so I didn't make the trip home to see mama and daddy this weekend plus I missed out on the chance to hear some great bluegrass. However, whining about what I didn't get to to do is not the reason for this post. Since I've had the house to myself, I've been the one in control of the remote :). Last night,I watched an evening filled with Sister Wives on TLC. Needless to say, it's gotten in my head and I can't seem to let some of it go. As I watched these three women (and then later 4)work their way in a polygamist marriage, I couldn't help but think back to the old testament. I thought of Abraham,Jacob, David, Solomon etc. These men all encountered more trouble in their families from having multiple wives. We read and we see that God took their poor choices and used them for good in many cases,but it did not prevent the turmoil in the household. I was thinking about Leah and Rachel and how they bartered for a night with Jacob over some fruit. But I digress, what strikes me is the pain that you see in the eyes of these women. They've learned to love one another and accept the "lifestyle" they've chosen,but when it comes time to "share" their husband in my view there is a sadness in their eyes.
I guess I felt more of a connection with Meri in the show, we both are about the same age and she is a woman who longs for many children and yet has only one of her own. Through this marriage she has gained a houseful of children,yet my heart brakes for her. It is literally like watching Rachel deal with Jacob and his other wives. Jacob loves her "best" yet she still had to share him with three other women and deal with the fact that she only had one son. Yes, she has Benjamin but she never sees her two sons together. I can only imagine the anguish she felt as her "sister wives" continued to bear children and she was left with the longing in her heart for more.
I've watched other documentaries that deal with polygamy and one of the things they bring up is the way many Americans have multiple wives they just do it one at a time. They talk of how the way they do things is better for them and the children. They talk of the security found in having other women to depend on and the security for the children raised in the home. It all gets back to God's plan for marriage, a plan he set up from the very beginning (Gen. 2:20-24)We mess things up when we deviate from God's plan. God didn't allow Abraham and Sarah to help him provide a child through which the world would be blessed. He did not accept Hagar's son Ishmael. When God gives us a pattern, we must follow it.
The last thing I can't seem to get past is just how much fun Kody (the husband) seemed to be having. Yes, he has to deal with 4 women's raging hormones but ultimately he gets to have his cake and eat it too. Sin is fun! Let me say that one more time SIN IS FUN!! It's obvious Kody is having a good time, and all the extra "yuck" you have to deal with in a marriage, he can choose to deal with only every fourth night. I can only imagine how often one of his wives forgoes talking about something that may be bothering her because she doesn't want to spoil her night in the rotation. O.K., I'm going to end this post and move on,but ladies let's remember that God made us our husband's helpmate. He developed a plan and instructs our husbands to love us as He loves the church. Looking at it this way, when we begin looking at God's word and picking and choosing what we like and how we'll worship, then we create another "bride". But that is not how scripture reads! It speaks of THE church. One bride not many!

Special People

One of the advantages of growing up in a small congregation is how close you get to the people you worship with. They are family. I think sometimes in our rush to move through our Sunday afternoon and to get our babies home and to bed on Wednesday night, we lose sight that this is our opprotunity to catch up with our spiritual family. A time to celebrate even the small and big things that go on during the week and the opprotunity to comfort and encourage those whose week has been a tough one.
I found out this morning that one of the sweet men where I grew up passed away last night. He was blessed to have had his family around him and felt well enough earlier in the week to talk and visit with them.(After losing my sister and cousin, the day we spent together before their death is a treasure and a comfort. It was God's gift to us.) I'm prayerful this family will find comfort in those special moments, that it will draw them closer together and closer to God.
This sweet man always found a way to encourage my sweetheart. He would brag on him when he would lead singing (which as a teen was a scary thing for him). He would always give him a sweet pat on the back when we made trips home too. He gave such good hugs and wanted to know how I was. He and his sweet wife took care of the flowers for our wedding, and they made our family feel apart of theirs.
I can say that about so many families at home. It's been hard to watch that congregation slowly grow smaller and smaller.
I guess I just wanted to take the time to remember the joy of standing on the front steps after worship for 30 minutes to an hour just catching up with each other. We loved one another and we knew when someone was missing. Looking back, I wish I had made more of an effort to contact those who missed. It's a lesson to take forward and work on from this point on.
I hope and pray when my life here is ended that people will be able to remember me with fondness. To remember an encourager and a soul that empathisizes with others. I pray I'm one of those special people that hearts will ache over as my heart aches for this special family today. May God bring us comfort.

Grandparent's Day

I've been blessed to have gotten to know 3 of my great-grandparents and both sets of grandparents. Since this is a day that has been chosen to honor grandparents, I thought I'd share my favorite memory(ies) for each.
Great-Grandma Garrett is just a vague memory for me because I was so young the last time I saw her. In fact, most of what I remember is probably stories I've heard told. I know that she loved to hold and rock my cousin Matthew, but the memory I have of her is a parrot. If I remember right, his cage was beside the door and when I would come to the house the parrot would say "Go away Sam, go away". LOL,it's a funny memory to me, but I also remember feeling love and welcomed in her home. Great-Grandpa Garrett, I have many more memories of he was the town dentist for a long time and I think as a small child I have memories of going to his office in Robertsdale. Everytime we went to see him, you'd get a hug and a dollar. Oh, how that dollar would burn a whole in our pockets before we could leave :) I can remember sitting and listening to the story telling between the grown ups on those visits. Once again, the feeling of being loved and welcomed was the overriding feeling of those visits. Great-Grandpa Patterson lived in Texas and my memories of him always seem to revolve around a wing back chair. He'd sit in his chair and the grandchildren and great grandchildren would take turns visiting with him. I felt a connection with him because I knew I was supposed to be Sam Justin(that was the name mama and daddy picked out to honor both great grandfathers, and I turned out to be a Samantha Kay). But one of the things aside from remembering him as being frail is that his Bible was never to far from his side.
I loved to get up early with daddy when I was little and make the trip out to the truck stop for breakfast on Saturday mornings. I'd ussually find Grandma Dean sitting in her chair behind the counter and her sweet hugs and being pulled close are memories that still warm my heart. My favorite memory is of her putting all of us grandkids in the car (back before we had to have car seats or seatbelts) and riding down the road to just over the FL line. Shealways rode with the window down and hummed the same song as she drove. We'd get to where we were going and we'd all get a snack and a coke and head back to the truck stop. My memories of Grandpa Dean make me laugh now, but there was a time we ran to get out of his reach when we were playing(and yes that ussually meant spininng incircles on the bar stools which we knew was a major no-no). My favorite memory of him though is after I got old enough to ask my sweetheart to take me out to visit. I loved the feel of his scratchy old beard as I'd reach around his neck to give him a hug and a kiss. He liked to act all gruff but those work worn hands would reach up and grab my arms and give me a good squeeze back and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was loved. In fact,love is the overflowing memory through all these memories :)
When we'd go to visit Grandmama and Granddaddy Lyles, I can remember waiting to here the floor squeak the sliding door to her bedroom open. Grandmama would be getting up to make breakfast. I loved that time of morning with everyone else asleep but me and her. She'd let me help cut out biscuits and listen to whatever story I had to tell that morning. Grandpa Lyles was in my mind one of the most humble people I've ever met. I loved to hear him pray and can remember peeeking to watch him talk as he prayed(sometimes it would be hard to hear). I love to hear Garrett pray now because so often he reminds me of Granddaddy. But, my favorite memory of Grandpa Lyles is having a tea party with him, a babydoll, and a teddy bear. Marshmellows and tea were served and he would sit in a little bitty chair and talk and eat with me and our guests.
There are soo many more precious memories of all these sweet people that I hold close, and I'm soo thankful that God gave me the opprotunity to know each one. I'm thankful that my Samuel has such sweet grandparents. Feeling blessed and loved by the special love that comes from spending time with those who realize just how important the little moments are. May God bless you this Lord's day. Love to all..Samantha

What Does Satan Look Like?

I've had this post rolling around in my head for about 3 weeks now and couldn't quite figure out just how I wanted to tackle it. So here goes and I pray that in the midst of my run-on sentences we both can take something from this that will help us in our daily battle.
Wouldn't it be great if every time the devil tried to interfere in our life we would get that clear picture presented by the cartoons:Red costume, horns and a pitch fork. Or even a flashing sign that just says warning would be nice. But that's not how he presents himself in our lives. Sometimes he's that really good looking guy in the magazine ad,or the beautiful buxom blond selling dish washing liquid. Those are still pretty easy to read into,but what about the ones that aren't so easy. The really sweet guy/girl in class whose willing to help with homework and invites you to a party that sounds like a lot of fun. In my case, it was the sweetest guy who poured himself into the tightest jeans ever(before spandex)and "rescued" me from a house full of little sisters and a brother. My sweetheart is by no means the devil but (the devil) would find us when instead of going straight home from the movies we'd find a spot to park and fog up the windows.
As we get older and Lord willing our faith becomes stronger, the deception Satan uses gets trickier. Do we lay every bad thing that happens to us at the feet of God and question why we have to suffer. Somewhere along the line it was Satan that brought suffering. I have spent too much of the last 11 years laying the blame and anger over my headache at the feet of God and not Satan.
Do I recognize that the pain sky rockets on Sunday and Wednesday when I want to go to worship. Do I recognize that I allow him to allow myself to say it's OK not to do "x" I'm not good enough anyway.
So what does Satan look like? Pain,fun,love,an excuse, or maybe time spent doing things that we have no business doing. We know that he moves to and fro seeking those he can devour. So let's put our armor on Eph.6:10-20, and go out and fight the enemy realizing he won't always be easy to spot and many times we may see an easier way to deal with our problems just to see we're buried even deeper in the mess. So, Let's get out our swords of the Spirit and our shield of faith and fight the deceiver and let's recognize it's not a battle we fight alone but one that if we continue to fight we know we will win!