Longing For Home

How my soul is longing for home,
My heart is weary, lonely, and torn.
But your word Father offers sweet hope,
As I read through your promises I come.

I'm counting the days Lord for your sweet return,
And I number the blessings as my course is run.
I look to your word Lord and follow your lead,
For Heaven's glory is a treasure I want to see.

The moments of pain turn into sighs,
I wait for your time Lord my details to find.
The nights feel like years when filled with pain,
Yet each breath is a beat closer to my heavenly gain.

The Deceiver wants to keep me firm in his grasp,
The lies that he whispers are hard to let pass.
Yet your word my Father shines on and on,
To reveal that you haven't left me here on my own.

Praise to the One who sees my pain,
Glory to the keeper of my tears.
Your promises are mighty your love untold,
I shout victory for by Jesus I'm saved.

A Time to Think for Ourselves

I think we need to stop and with open minds look back across American history. The federal government has done nothing but grow. We are a country of people who no longer look to each other and ask the question" What can we do for each other?", but we are a country that looks to government and asks "What can you do for us?". We have gone from being a collective people to special interest groups. We no longer seem to value the lives of the very young, those with disabilities, and the old. History reveals over and over again that this is when things like the holocaust occur. We as a nation seem to have lost our ability to feel empathy for others. Violence has never been shown to affect real change. Real change is always made through kindness, honor, and gentleness. It's when we all look deeply into our own souls, see the world about us with open eyes and an open heart, and we think for ourselves instead of allowing the government and news agencies to think for us. Just over two thousand years ago Christ entered a world where Kings sent out soldiers to murder baby boys, women were looked at as property. The world did not love him, any more than the world loves those who speak for the most vulnerable of our society today. He was murdered by those who did not agree with him, yet He asked for forgiveness to be granted to them. Abraham Lincoln worked to keep a broken system together until violence forced a different approach. His life was cut short out of hatred. We see this over and over again in our history. We separate ourselves into groups and the use of vile and vulgar language is used as we spew hatred everywhere. No longer can we share our views and feelings without vulgarity and violence. The news agencies no longer report what is happening in the world, but they share their opinion and view of the scene. We are made to believe that all the work done by those over the years to end ugliness has been undone. In fact, it seems that so often those who are elected to protect us are those who continue to stir the pot. Martin Luther King Jr. said that the content of a man's character should be judged by his actions and not by the color of his skin. His message echoed that of Christ in the lesson who is my neighbor. He preached non-violence while marching for change. Hatred killed three little girls in a Birmingham church. Hatred filled the hearts of so many that black young people could not attend school with white young people, we could not drink from the same water fountains, use the same restrooms, or eat together at the lunch counter. It was not violence meeting violence that brought change, but sacrifice and nonviolence. Those who marched on Washington did so peacefully and effectively. Violence breeds fear and fear breeds hatred. It was hatred that killed Dr. King, hatred that killed President Kennedy and his brother. CHANGE IS SCARY, but when we allow that fear to end in violence no real improvement is seen. Fear causes us to dig our heels into the ground, shut our eyes to the feelings of the other side, and to fix the problem with violence. But problems have historically only grown worse when met with violence. When we spend our time yelling and screaming at one another instead of listening to each other and trying to find real solutions, we end up with riots in the streets, words that wound deeply are said, and the problems continue to grow.
It is time for us to stop and listen to each other, not so we can have the better argument but so we can affect real change. It is time for us to think for ourselves to study the issues without looking for a bias and to share our ideas and feelings without vulgarity and ugliness. This woman was raised in L.A.(lower Alabama) by a mother who taught her the attitude that Christ would use.It wasn't until after I started college that my naive belief that prejudice was no longer an issue in our world changed. I learned quickly it was alive and well and that it was not just one-sided. It is time that we stop whining and get busy. I may not be able to change attitudes on a national level. I may not like who is running our government, but I can change me. I can look at my little corner of the world and love inspite of the ugliness. I can share my feelings and ideas without vulgarity. I can pray to the Creator for patience and love and empathy. I can help those I come in contact with, and I can be a voice for those who have no voice. It was this ideal that our Constitution supports. The idea that we are all created equal and we all have the right to try our very best to live out our hopes and dreams in this nation.
May our God grant us time to grow and listen and share. May we no longer look to the government to fix the social problems, but may we look to each other with empathy and courage to act in a way that will help heal the wounds that have been torn open through hatred and media propaganda. May God help each of us to see those around us as He sees us, and may we love each other the way He loves us.

Directionally Challenged

I can't count the number of times that I've left home with extra time built into the plan, and still arrived late or not at all to my destination because I took a wrong turn somewhere. I leave home having checked my route, and will accidentally leave my written directions on the table. I pull out of the drive feeling confident, and five minutes later I realize I forgot my map. I hate losing the time spent going home; so, I convince myself that I'll remember the way.

These events remind me of how my daily walk with God can go. I've said a prayer, a quick glance at the day's devotional passage, and then I'm off navigating my day. Life is too busy to slow down and look back, so I keep on going on my own. Psalms 43:3 Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! As long as I live my life following God's directions, then I will achieve heaven; but there are many times when the cares of this world grab my attention and I look to the news or latest "study" on how to achieve success, and lose track of God as my final destination.

There are times I've gotten lost simply because I didn't double check my directions and the turn I made just felt right. How often do I end up on a road of temptation just because it felt right? Sadly more than I want to admit. Isaiah 59:8 The way of peace they do not know, and there is no justice in their paths; they have made their roads crooked; no one who treads on them knows peace. When I make a decision solely because it feels right, I end up anxious and lost wondering just how far I've gone out of the way. Many times I've gone so far there's no way to get there even half an hour late and my only choice is to apologize and turn around and go home.

Our Heavenly Father gives us a lifetime (however long or short) to choose the path to His door. He loves us so much that we can apologize and try again. 2 Corinthians 7:10 For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. The further I go without knowing where I am and if I'm going to make it to my destination the more anxious I become. All I need to do is to turn around and begin again. How blessed we are that our Heavenly Father provides us with the path to salvation...His word, the Bible. Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. As long as I stay in His Word following His directions, I am promised salvation. I need to take time for prayer and Bible study; so that, I don't lose sight of my destination...Heaven.

A Righteous Legacy

I find it interesting how our heavenly Father uses the things in our lives to remind us of His will for our lives. This Fall, I was involved in two Bible studies: one online with a study partner at church and the other was our Sunday morning ladies' Bible class. At times these two studies overlapped and in so doing enriched my life and changed the way I look at the world and how I make decisions. It's been twenty years since a drunk driver killed one of my sisters and a cousin. They are gone, but their legacy lives on.

I was invited to a surprise party for a dear friend of mine in November...she wouldn't be a part of my life without Jenny. I listened to a room full of women excitedly awaiting the arrival of our friend: "she's such an encourager," "she gives the best hugs," and "she gives great advice". During that party, my friend shared that it was my sister who shared the gospel with her in college. In that room were four terrific teens, a group of young mamas, and a few of us "older ladies," all of us being encouraged and loved in a special way because my sister wasn't afraid to share the gospel. All I could think about was I hope that I leave that kind of legacy one day.

I have a precious family that I don't see as often as I would like, but when we all get together the time is not wasted. We've learned to say the hard things and fix what can be mended. Say I love you often, give hugs and sit back and soak up the joy of just being together. We've lost other family members since the kids died, but the urgency not to waste time is their legacy. I want to leave that kind of desire behind.

Taking the time to be silly and make someone laugh is also a blessing that they left us. Those two could fuss and get royally irritated at each other but forgave quickly. I wish they were here to talk to about the things my heart finds so hard to share with but a few others. My cousin helped me see how guys think, and my sister was there to bounce ideas off of for devotionals and Bible classes. I miss them and what they brought to my life but their legacy lives on in our friends and family.

It is with joy that I can look to the future, because I know I will see them again. It is with renewed determination that I look at each day to find ways to share the gospel with those whom I come in contact. It's with boldness and Godly fear that I choose to say the hard things sometimes in hopes of saving a soul or just doing what is right. All of that is their legacy, and it can also be mine and yours.

Jeremiah 29: 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Nineteen Years of Head Pain

As of 5:00 pm yesterday, I have officially been dealing with migraine pain every minute of every day for the last 19 years. Some anniversaries we'd love to do without. There are those days that forever change our lives. Yesterday all those years ago, had been a typical day at school, and we were getting ready to go to church for a meeting. Until then I'd had headaches but I had never experienced that kind of pain. It was the beginning of a search for relief that to some degree still continues today. The part of myself that could make long-range plans, enjoy screaming on roller coasters, and having the energy to do what I wanted...that part of me is gone. In return, I have more compassion for others who are struggling. I understand more than ever that it's God who gets me up each day and it's his promises that have kept me here. Depression is real and at times no matter how much you want to choose to be happy you can't. (It's this point you want to tell someone close to you exactly what you're thinking along with telling your doctor how you feel. Many of the drugs used to treat a migraine also treat depression,) Don't wait until you have all those meds lined up in front of you before sharing the struggle. You don't have to walk this path alone.
During those 19 years, I've dealt with some scary side effects along with blessings. I can be thankful for the migraine because it lead us to adopting our son. I've learned how to use relaxation exercises to keep me out of the ER. I've learned the value of combining traditional medicine with acupuncture, oils, etc. I learned early to research for myself the latest treatments for chronic migraine. I learned which doctors to keep and which to steer clear of.
I don't give advice on migraines unless asked because, by the time you've made a trip out of state and stayed in an inpatient treatment program, you come home knowing more than your local neurologist (unless they are a headache specialist). My longest hospitalization was right at a month in Michigan, I've also had many one week to three week stays at the Diamond Headache Clinic in Chicago.
Just a little more than 2 years ago, we began the process of learning to live with the neurostimulator implant. (Most pain docs are used to seeing these used in the treatment of backpain, so finding someone willing to work with us now that I'm wired for sound was a challenge and a blessing in itself.) The implant has made a big difference, I can now look at the world without the constant need for sunglasses, and though the pain is ever present it no longer puts me to bed for weeks at a time.
The best advice I can give is to find the headache guru in your area, be willing to give new treatment plans a try....even when it's a list of what to eliminate from your diet. Be kind to yourself and explain life with a chronic migraine to friends and family. There are some wonderful resources out there now that were not available even 5 years ago. Find a support group...you need someone who listens to the bad days but who will also encourage you to keep moving forward. Finding a circle of folks who deal with chronic pain of any type and create a prayer group has been just as important as the right treatment program.Nights are long and days filled with beautiful sunshine can sometimes make you feel like a vampire ready to burst into flames. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Let it be your mantra. Spend time in Job...sometimes you'll see well-meaning friends among the friends of Job. Study the life of Paul, find the scriptures that you can repeat over and over again inside your head.
If you need an ear or a prayer, please feel free to reach out. I'm praying for all of us today that our Father will give us the strength to deal with chronic pain and that He will send us people who can help as we travel this journey.

To See The Sea

The land I live in is filled with ups and downs; I long for something more. This place is dark, and it is lonely, yet it leads me to a shore. The man I see is waiting for me with an offer I can't ignore. In this land I live in, he's provided helpers, and they promise he's the answer to the pain and sorrows here. They've told me that he's special, that he's a protector from the storm.

He waits for me with love and patience; I have only to reach out my hand. He stands beside a sea that he can walk on, I can see the love he has for me, he knows my every need. I look out across the water, sometimes it's gentle, at times it rages, but he has the power to walk on waves, and promises to walk along beside me. He holds onto a boat named Grace, invites me to come aboard. Do I have faith to board sweet Grace, and am I willing to row across the water? The Sea of Salvation flows to new shores, but I can hear the howling of the wind. It scares me, but the man says watch and understand.

He tells the winds to be quiet; the waves are still again. I look again out at the Sea, and then back to the boat. Once again the man reaches out his hand, and I reach out my own. What kind of land will I be rowing towards? Why should I leave this shore? With a gentle smile and loving tone, he answers, "It is my home. A place where there are no tears, no pain is ever known. Oh, the singing there is beautiful, and our father, who loves you. You see he sent me here across the storm filled sea.The sea now does my bidding, the winds I now control. All you must do to get there is keep rowing for the shore. The winds will come, and the waves toss high, but you'll never be alone. For I can walk upon the Sea, all you'll have to do is call."

I considered all the man had said and I stepped into the boat. I picked up the oars to row but hesitated still. I wondered what would happen if the storms about me raged, and I could no longer see the man who would push me out to Sea. "Dear one", said the man, "You worry over nothing, for there may be times I don't calm the storm, but I'll be with you to endure. If by some chance you lose hope and are tossed into the sea, all you have to do is ask for help, and I'll be there to rescue you. I'll be there to anchor the boat as you board her once again. You'll find yourself still closer to the shore you've made your goal."

With questions answered and safely aboard Grace, I began to row. Across the Sea of Salvation to the shore of Paradise, I set my course to go. The man who waited by the shore was there on good days and bad. Sometimes I work to stay afloat, the winds toss me about, but all I have to do is call for help. The man hears my cries and answers, strengthens my arms as I row on. I'm sailing on toward a distant shore, but when the rowing is done. I know the shore on which I'll land is a bright and shining home. A place to rest my weary head, no pain or sorrow there. A place where only joy and peace are forever found.

A Time to Meet Christ

The following is a little different from what I usually share but it has been tugging at my heart for two years.

She stood on the edges of the crowd, she just needed to see for herself surely the boy who grew up in Nazareth that the little old ladies talked about being born "early" wasn't the man who drew a crowd no matter where He went. It couldn't be Mary's son that was causing so much talk.
Yet, there before her eyes was the Man who had the same eyes and strong hands she remembered from His working with Joseph. She kept thinking I'm not brave enough to approach Him.
The more she listened, the more hopeful she became. Jesus took care of the sick, He touched those who were unclean. Yet deep down she didn't feel worthy to even be in the crowd with Him. She knew the drill... pray, have faith, and the pain will stop. The emotional pain, the physical pain that woke her in the dark hour before dawn, all those things together must mean she's not worthy of His grace.
But wait, He just caused a blind beggar to see...He spoke to a Roman soldier, and from across the crowd, she could see them smile and leave.
She'd spent so many days following and listening. She knew the names of others who stood on the fringe, the ones like her who wanted to hear every word, the yet couldn't grasp that God could love someone so small, so full of sin. Yet the night had been a long one, filled with hurt, confusion, and anger. She knew that this was her moment to break loose from sinfulness to living a life with real meaning. It was amazing to look him in the eyes and recognize He already knew everything that she needed from Him. She just had to say it out loud and know that she didn't have to carry the pain alone. The Man who stood before her now spoke of His yoke being easy and the burden He asked her to bear being light. She thought about the pain filled night and His promise that one day He could give her a home where the son shine was always bright, there would be no tears, and the streets would be made of gold. So the woman who had been on the fringe of the crowd weaved through the vast numbers and reached out Her hand.
It was with a little fear and a lot of hope that she touched just the hem of His garment...so many were doing just as she was. The joy came when she lifted her eyes and looked into the eyes of Mary's son who she now knew was the Messiah who had been promised. The gentleness and love looking back at her made her weep and want to sing all at once. He continued teaching, as she moved so another could get close enough to find healing too. He didn't just heal the physical pain, but He healed all those broken pieces of her heart. She was ready now to live for the promises He taught, and she shared with all who would listen about how the Teacher had transformed her life.

Today, God has given us the Bible. He has provided us with the way to reach Him. It is my hope that this fictional story will make you long for the personal relationship with Christ that comes from reading His word and obeying it. By reading the Gospels and the book Acts, we can all see who Christ is and what He wants for our lives. The way to salvation has not changed since the first gospel sermon given in Acts 2. May God bless us all as we strive to live our lives for Him.

Times of Tough Spots

During the tough spots of our life, we either end up losing more than we ever thought possible or we slowly find our way through faith and grace a new level of hope that we never dreamed was possible. It's those times we are hurting emotionally, physically, or both that we get to choose to stay stuck in the middle of the yucky, lost place we're in, or we can deal with the hurt and find out that God has worked in our hearts another level of hope, love, and compassion. Sometimes it doesn't take us long to decide, but there are times when it takes long sleepless nights, days spent feeling sorry for ourselves, and time spent examining our hearts under the microscope of what we think is fair or unfair. It can feel as if every breath we draw and every decision made is a battle waged against the devil. He is the deceiver. He wants us to look at what we're dealing with and see an unloving God who plays games with our lives or A God who no longer cares or sees us hurting and fighting. It's been a rough season for me. My heart breaks with those who have lost loved ones, friends who are dealing with chronic pain, and watching those I love walk their own roads of suffering. It's when we are trying so hard to please the Father, yet we continue to encounter road blocks at every turn. I don't have the answers, but I know the One who loves me enough that He suffers right beside me. He cares so much more than I can begin to fathom the depth of that love and grace. So this morning, I'm pushing to see the beauty and growth that comes with suffering.It's the tough times that are used to bring us a deeper capacity for caring and loving. It's those times that help us see that this world is not our home. It's those times that help us see the Sonshine and walk in the warm rays of God's love and grace.
Romans 5: 1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

A Time to be a Princess

I've been thinking, scary right, about a chat with a friend from Canada whose view on princesses is a little different than the typical American's view. She told me once that it's not unusual for them to see royalty at work. Think about how much is done by England's queen. The royal family are ambassadors they work. I'm the daughter of the King.

Romans 8:15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” 16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

If I am the daughter of the King then I've been given a job to do. If I am co-heirs with Christ,the perfect son, then why should I not expect to suffer along the way. I'm not talking about playing the role of martyr. I'm talking about walking in the footsteps of the son. His life on this earth was not an easy one. He worked in Joseph's Carpentry shop, Joseph died before Jesus was 30. The one who spoke the world into existence worked hard, suffered the loss of his dad, and dealt with all the drama that comes from being the oldest in a family with many brothers and sisters.,,,(this was the easy part). The one who had lived in Heaven's splendor came and walked among us. He had a vision and a plan for how He wanted things to go, yet he mourned over the city of Jerusalem and the sin that had taken over the chosen. He then dealt with the verbal abuse of those he taught who rejected him, he delt with overwhelming crowds and those who just wanted to get close enough to touch the hem of his garment, he was betrayed by one of those closest to him, he was beaten, suffered the pain and humiliation of the cross. Yet he came and stayed and fought for us. He died a painful death for me and you. Without his hard work, there would be no grace for us, no salvation. Praise God, he arose on the 3rd day and was seen among the people and made a promise to return.
We are given a promise that if we do his will and follow his footsteps, we will see glory.'

So here's my point, If someone doesn't like me for my faith then I'm in good company.If I suffer the loss of a loved one while on this earth, Christ has been there too and I am not alone. When the troubles of this world bring me to my knees and a friend betrays my trust or disappoints me, Christ has felt those emotions too. My job here on this earth is to live as closely as I possibly can to be who God wants me to be, to share his love, to be the one who lives a life of truth to shine his light with his message by my daily walk so that it is obvious that I'm the daughter of the King. I'm a princess who is an ambassador that shares the love of the Father and His plan for eternity. Then I can know that at the end I'll get to sing at the foot of the King for eternity. I know when the labor of this world is done I have a home...much better than anything I could imagine.

Praying we all will be who God wants us to be.

Faith

Faith
I know that God is good.
I see His grace and love in the sunrise, the birds' song, a child's trusting face.
I know He is in control and faith leaves no room for doubt.

I also see the pain and hurt, the loneliness and shame.
For sin took a perfect world and brought with it death and trouble.
Sin changed man with its promises of power and knowledge.
It left behind a broken world in need of a perfect Savior.
For sin is what brings suffering and God who is always good brought us salvation's glory.

In the quiet of the pain filled nights, my heart wonders why me.
It questions how God who is good could allow all this to happen.
I look at where I am today and know my Savior lives.
For even in the darkest times, His light shines up ahead.
I'm not alone even when I feel like I am, my God is holding me.
His Spirit lives within my heart and brings me hope and love and joy and peace.

So when my soul begins to wonder why, I look back to Calvary's mountain.
I see the mighty Son of God his arms stretched out on the cross held not by the nails but perfect love.
The King who left heaven's glory to pay the debt my sins had wrought.
He was brought from God's presence to a world filled with pain from eternal love to hate.
If my Savior could suffer such cruelty for me and do it all alone then I can walk the road of pain with faith that doesn't doubt for God has promised an eternal life without pain and tears and death.

Looking Back to Look Forward

I am constantly amazed at how our Heavenly Father works by using the people who come into our lives for a season but remain in our hearts for a lifetime. We see this easily in our family members, but what about those people who are just a part of our lives for a very specific period of time or maybe those who become a part of our forever families because of the bonds forged in the fires of pain or the joys of this life.

Ecc. 3:11 He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end.

I see God's hand at work in my life from early moments of childhood to even now as a middle-aged woman. There were bible class teachers and teachers at school who made huge impacts on a very young life helping to shape and mold the opinions and beliefs that I hold tightly to today. The teacher who with patience showed me over and over again how to tie my shoes when I just couldn't seem to get my fingers to work. She helped instill the we don't give up but try and try again. The teacher who washed the skinned knees and calmed a very frightened little who was being chased by a dog and then delivered me safely home to the arms of my sweet Mama. Oh, how big a part they played in who I am today. They helped shape the desire to teach and even when the dyslexia made reading so hard they found things to make me feel like I could conqueror the world.

Deut. 6:4-9-“Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one! You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Then there are the countless friends from elementary schools scattered across three states and from one side of town to another. Girl Scout leaders who helped a very shy little girl find her voice behind a puppet stage. The mamas of those friends who took the time to make me feel a part of their family as well as my own, began the process of teaching me that family doesn't have to be blood related to be family.

There were also people that taught me what I didn't want to be and that kindness is golden. Some of the lessons were learned from adults and some classmates. There was the teacher who didn't show patience and said ugly things to my “at-risk reading group”. The one who rather than encouraging discouraged me from being willing to work hard to accomplish a goal. Those were important lessons to learn. It was the friend's dad down the road who spoke ugly to my sister and then thought I would want to stay and play. Well maybe I could have handled that one better, but he helped me learn loyalty and how to fight for someone you love even when it's scary. I learned that words once said can't be taken back and though you may forgive there are some things you just never forget.

Prov. 17:9 He who conceals a transgression seeks love,
But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.

It's the friends from camp, youth devos, and sleepovers that taught me the value of open and honest sharing of the heart. It was talking long into the night till you fell asleep, getting up early to get the hot shower and a place to plug in your curling iron. It was the process of learning that sometimes someone can be really nice to your face, yet they will rake you over the coals when your back is turned. It was those friends who stood up for you even when they didn't agree with everything you believed and protected your innocence and learning not everything is black and white. I learned I could love people but not like their actions. It was the space to learn to stand up for my beliefs even while shaking because I didn't want to be different yet God calls us to be different.

Prov. 18:24 A man of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

2 Cor. 3:4-6 Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

It's the blessing of older women showing me how to love my husband. It was precious souls who when Mama wasn't there to talk to (remember this was before cell phones and even us not having a telephone because groceries were more important). There were couples who took a very young set of newlyweds under their wing and provided friendship and encouragement to keep doing good. It was precious souls who taught hard lessons on life in a beautiful life and a quiet bold voice. It was sweet folks who taught a young bride how to cook without a cookbook and how to be the wife God expected, not by what they said but by having me in their home and living it in front of me. It was sweet mamas who shared their littles with a young woman who very much wanted to be a mama, and taught me how to discipline and love all at the same time. How precious those ladies are and were!

Titus 2:3-5 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

It was bringing into my life people who dealt with chronic illness and pain, yet lived beautiful lives of service to their families and the church. It was by being asked to ride and just be company to doctor's appointments and just being there in the house through the rough spots. It was sweet families who took care of a sick and scared you young school teacher and showed me how church family loves each other even when the only connection we have is the blood of Christ.

Rom. 8: 14-17 For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

It was listening to words spoken to my Mama and my Aunt when they lost their babies that taught me what to say and what not to say. It was watching church family care for us that taught me how to care for others. It's the people God sends to preach His word in actions and love. It's knowing that people can make grief bearable or unbearable with just the smallest slip of the tongue or act of kindness.

Prov. 15:4 A soothing tongue is a tree of life,
But perversion in it crushes the spirit.

I've been blessed with friends who when they came into my life the first time the connection didn't form, but that when God brought them back into my life later they have become family and encouragers. There are people who I may not see often, but when I do they make my heart lighter just by the sound of their voice or the words that appear on my computer screen. They help me see a glimpse of heaven here on earth with their love.

2Cor.13:5-10 Test yourselves to see if you are in the faith; examine yourselves! Or do you not recognize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you—unless indeed you fail the test? But I trust that you will realize that we ourselves do not fail the test. Now we pray to God that you do no wrong; not that we ourselves may appear approved, but that you may do what is right, even though we may appear unapproved. For we can do nothing against the truth, but only for the truth. For we rejoice when we ourselves are weak but you are strong; this we also pray for, that you be made complete. For this reason I am writing these things while absent, so that when present I need not use severity, in accordance with the authority which the Lord gave me for building up and not for tearing down.

God sent children for me to love all through my childhood and early adulthood. I learned quickly that love comes with high expectations, and real love demands good behavior and consequences when they're not met. He sent me sweet children who were hurting and wanted direction. He taught me that my heart could grow and stretch and hurt with the pain that wasn't my own. He sent me opportunities to love those who weren't “loveable” and reap the reward of them knowing I loved them and God loved them. I learned our world can be full of ugliness and pain, but that through LOVE we see God and grace and redemption. Yes, children taught me that lesson.

Matt. 19:13-14 Then some children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray; and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

He used those who made comments that wounded a heart longing for babies, so I could learn how not to hurt others. He sent people I could watch from a distance and learn from on how to comfort someone who had lost a baby. Those have been so important. He sent friends who are adult adoptees who have willingly shared their story, and now I have some idea on what to expect as my sweet boy grows up with questions and longing and grief and joy all mixed together. He has stretched my heart and made room to understand that loving birth-parents doesn't mean not loving me.

James 1:26-27 If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless. Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

It is amazing how a word spoken at just the right time in the past can continue to influence who I am today. It's people who took the time to ask a young couple about their dreams for their family and the church that helped create this middle aged couple standing on the edge of dreams answered or about to be answered. It's realizing that all along the way God has used us in just the same way with others, and being humbled at the thought. May God continue to send us people who touch us and allow us to touch them; so that, we can see God in every aspect of our life.

Jer. 29: 11-13For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

James 1:15-18 Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren. Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. In the exercise of His will He brought us forth by the word of truth, so that we would be a kind of first fruits among His creatures.

It is with the hope of the eternal that allows us to see beyond the past and the present moment to the eternal future with Him. May He bless us all, and may we see the opportunities to be His hands and feet.

A Letter to My 13 Year Old Self

Dear 13 year old self,

Get ready for life to make some big changes. Stay focused on school and remember how you behave affects who you become. Be compassionate, don't think you're always right. Life will reveal just how much you don't know very soon.

When Mama asks for your help, do it with a smile. She doesn't like how much responsibility she's given you anymore than you do, but there aren't any other options and you can meet the challenge.

Tell your baby sister you love her more than you fuss at her... you're not her Mama. Keep up with that little brother a little more, he isn't as grown as you think he is. The fussing that you do with the younger sister remember your sisters in Christ and those rules apply to your relationship too.

Stay active in the youth group, there are so many blessings that come from that time. Read and memorize scripture now, it gets harder to hang on to it as you get older.

Be the daughter of the King that He wants you to be. Latch onto those friendships at church, camp, and school. Decide right now how you plan to handle the hard things that will come in your life to tempt you. Be careful what movies you see, speak kindly and respectfully to everyone with a special emphasis on Mama and Daddy.

Find a way to express your emotions, just because you feel like you have to be in control doesn't mean you have to hold everything inside. Remember that there are some secrets that need to be shared.

Love family deeply every chance you get. Give hugs and say I love you every time you see them. Tell Aunts and Uncles how much they mean to you and why. Tell them thank you for play time and for making you feel special.

The day you go riding on the moped with you best friend and the cop pulls into the drive way to fuss about your not having a helmet on, stand beside her and take responsibility for your actions. Don't be a chicken and run inside because you're afraid of authority figures.

Remember that while you think you know everything, you still have a lot to learn. Find a healthy way to get rid of stress...exercise, yell, but most importantly breathe. School is important ,but it's not everything.

Trust God in good times and bad. Watch Mama and Daddy, they are wonderful examples. Give Grandpa Dean lots of hugs and kisses (yes, he really likes them even if he growls). Take every opportunity to spend time with Grandma Dean...show up on hair washing day...you'll look back one day and be so glad you did. Watch that Aunt who takes care of the folks she loves. She's awesome and cares even when they're grumpy. Give her an extra squeeze and let her know just how much you love her.

Don't push Jenny past her limits...you will regret it. Soak up all the time you have with her both good and bad. Sing all the time. There will come a time when it won't be this easy.

There are so many things I wish I could change but I know that’s not how it works. Remember it's not the number of friends you have, but the relationships you build for a lifetime.

The Spring Break Grandma and Grandpa Lyles come to visit. Let them do what they came to do...take care of you. Let her be the boss. Every time you hear Grandpa Lyles pray store it up in your heart. Watch Grandma Lyles serve others and you'll see Christ in action.

Find the joy in times spent with Jenny, Willard, and Garrett. Savor the moments things change before you're ready.

Be happy with who you are! Enjoy being a size 10. I promise you, you are not fat. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. You're willing to fight battles for every one else; fight one for yourself every now and then.

Above all love God! Put your heart into his keeping. Feed your soul, pray, and work to produce the fruit of the spirit. God is all powerful, His love is greater than you can imagine, and his spirit lives within you and will give you strength.

Hard times are ahead, but through each trial and struggle God is with you. Sometimes the things you don't think are fair or that you can't get through...all fit into God's perfect plan for your life.

One last thing, Satan is a deceiver. It's how he works. He wants you to doubt yourself, those you love, but above all he wants you to question your faith in God. You'll be surprised who he sends or what you'll encounter for him to get to your heart. Your going to make mistakes. Confess them, breathe, and move closer to God.

Stand on the promises of God and one day, you'll get to stand in His presence. Remember everything in God's way and God's timing. Don't grieve the “nos” for long, but concentrate on the blessings.

It's God and you working together, so you've got this,
Your 43 year old self

A Time of Being Broken

This is one of those articles I'm not really sure I want to start or how to start, but here we go. If you know me at all, then you know I spend my time riding this crazy roller coaster called my life. I have days where pain seems to be the only thing I can see. Sometimes that's OK because I can see the blessings it has brought into my life, how it has shaped the person I am today, and even how I react to children who are dealing with sensory overload. I guess it's true that you have to walk in someone’s shoes to really get their personal journey.

So, I deal with the pain and so does my family and those who love me. I could spend a lot of time talking about just how we sit down at the beginning of a month and plan just how we want to use the meds so I can be an active part in family activities. It's not to cause drama or pity or attention, it's simply living my life. With all of that comes this great burden of guilt because I keep us from the fun, I've missed so many firsts just because they happened as they are supposed to naturally and out of the blue. The guilt is almost as hard to deal with as the pain. Then there's the anger that comes with dealing with it all, and the questions of why should I deal with this.

There are times when it's not entirely my fault and I feel like it's fair that my family has to share in the struggle. I know that sounds ugly but it's true. Maybe the day could have gone smoother if only...and you fill in the blanks. I push to do because I want to please those who live with this every day battle of pain with me. I'm willing to do more, and it maybe that it's just another few minutes, or delaying taking meds so I can drive. It's all OK, yet it's not.

It's at times like this the devil whispers sweet promises of not caring how what I say or do, or don't say or don't do isn't important. He whispers, “Just take the path of least resistance.” Do what makes those around you happy and do what you need to do to make them happy. Sometimes there really is nothing wrong with listening to those whispers, except that it makes listening and doing so much easier the next time.

So I feel broken, not just health wise, it really is such a small part of it. Broken in those small corners of the heart that only God and the devil sees. When I feel like Humpty Dumpty and no matter what happens can all the pieces really be put back together again. Am I so broken that the God I believe is all powerful and capable of all things and love beyond understanding can't put me back together because I've allowed the whispers of the devil to be what I listen to? The answer to that question is “NO”. God's spirit resides in that broken heart and continues to hear my pleas and carry them to the throne of grace. Yet, I'm still broken. The parts that where fixed yesterday, have need of being fixed again today. The grief that comes with the what ifs and why nots, chip away at the heart I put in the keeping of the King when I paddled out to Daddy and he baptized me when I was 9.

Here is the answer, above all else, who holds my heart? Who can break it and put it back together again even better than it was before? The King of all Kings, the Alpha and the Omega, the great I AM is the keeper of my heart. Sometimes, He has to break it so it can be His again, and sometimes he softens it with humility and gentleness found in conversation with precious ones who are righteous and fighting their own battles, but willing to share in my fight and me in theirs.

James 5: 13-16 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

How thankful I am that we have promises like the one above! It lets me know what to do when all is right in my world, and it lets me know what to do when it feels as if I'm so broken I can't be put back together. The promise is there will be comfort. The comfort that comes with sharing just how broken you feel with someone you know won't judge you, and to learn that you aren't alone. This battle of life we fight was never meant to be fought alone. God tells us exactly how to win the battles. To confess (share) your brokenness with others. Be willing to drop the barriers and let them see what you feel is the ugliness of all that brokenness, and pray. PRAY!! Pray for each other and you will see the great power of God as it is working. I am not alone!! You are not alone!! We are together in prayer and as we go there and reach out our Father draws ever nearer to me and you.

Does this mean that there are days, moments, weeks when I don't feel broken? NO! Because I am still fighting and as long as I'm trying and working to live for the true keeper of my heart, He will always be there for me. You see, God doesn't move...I do. If I choose to listen only to the devil's whispers then I move myself further from the Father. But if I am humble and persistent and I don't give up, then my Father carries me close to His breast, and that heart that feels so broken is being mended and made perfect with each and every trial.

James 4:7-10 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

Here I am standing at the end of another year feeling more broken than I ever have in so many areas of my life, yet I get to choose to submit myself to the will of the Father. As long as I keep resisting those whispers of giving in and giving up, I have the promise that all these tears I cry feeling like my world has fallen apart will be what purifies my heart and this broken spirit will be lifted up and exalted by the Father who is the true keeper of my heart. If I let Him keep my heart and I work to please him, then He will draw near to me and all those things the devil uses will flee. I can't get there by myself, but God has promised me and you that when we share those things we don't want the world to see with one another, and we pray together then we will see His power working through our prayers.

Dear Father, thank you for giving us your word with all its promises. Thank you for sending us righteous women and men who we can confess our sins to and in so doing magnify the power of prayer by adding more voices petitioning your throne. Be with us as we begin a new year and help us to please you in all we say and do. Help us to draw closer to you every day, and to resist the empty promises of the devil. Help me to let you be the true keeper of my heart and to put all my faith in you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Salt of the Earth

It's been several weeks since our minister taught a Bible class on this verse from Matthew 5:13 “You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet. It's one of those lessons that when you've grown up in the church, you've probably heard more lessons than you can count from this scripture. I always come away from it with a renewed sense of wanting to be the salt that flavors.

But this time not only did he talk about how it only takes a little salt to give flavor and that once that flavor is gone the salt is only good for walking on, but he brought out the point that salt makes us thirsty. It's true you know like when you have popcorn or chips you need something to drink to go along with it. I have to admit I'd never really thought about how salt makes us long for fresh water and the implications that has in my spiritual life.

The more I thought about how salt makes us thirsty, the more John 4:7-14 kept coming to mind. It says A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.”(For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.)The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.”The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.”Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.”

So, this got me thinking along two points. The first is that if I'm living the life that Christ wants me to and I'm sharing him with those around me then I am the salt and those I come in contact with should become thirsty for the living water. There needs to be something that people will see in me that makes them want to know how I can still find joy with a 16 year migraine. If I've become the salt then those I come in contact with will want the Living Water. The second thing it made me think about is am I thirsty for the Living Water? Am I living my life in such a way, that I long for the Water that will satisfy my thirst for all time? Do I spend enough time with those who are salty so that my thirst for the Living Water becomes even stronger? Do I spend enough time in the Word to crave the Water of eternity?

Sometimes I really struggle with this. There are days and weeks when the migraine keeps me confined to the house and the devil whispers: “You don't need to study, It's o.k. to be grouchy and mean you hurt you have a right to be, and It's not just your job to be an example to your family...they're supposed to take care of you.” The devil knows right where to get us and how to make us doubt the Father, given enough time he'll have us craving bitter water filled with poison. I know that the Living Water has already won the war, and it's my job along with the rest of His followers to fight the battles until the day He returns to call us home.

Father, please help me to make others thirsty for your word. Help me to spend time with those who will make me long for you and to study more and more. Help me to become saltier each day and help me to season the lives of those I come in contact with, with a desire to get to know you better. In Jesus' name, Amen.

A Time to Fight

It's been a very long two months. It has felt as if we are having to fight battles on every side that we really shouldn't have to fight. The biggest battle has been with insurance companies and once again my White Knight is fighting for all he's worth. His armor has dings in it and yet he keeps fighting. He's been hit by friendly fire simply because he's the one delivering the message, but he keeps on fighting. I've watched days where I see him weary in ways I haven't seen since the beginning of this battle 16 years ago. You see this wonderful man is a Fix-It man and when he can't fix it then it becomes a huge battle for him.

We're looking at a procedure that if I'm in the 80% success rate would radically change our lives for the better. It would take the pain and interrupt it with electrical impulses. As it seems to be in everything, the insurance company has denied treatment and we are now working through the appeals process. To be honest at first I didn't even want to try this. We've been told so many times over the years that a particular treatment plan has a good success rate for chronic migraines like mine that to even hope becomes a little scary. This is where my sweetheart shines, he's there to listen, to hold me, and then to encourage. So we've now done everything we're suppose to do to prepare for the treatment.

Yesterday we checked off our final “have to” by talking to a psychologist who helps determine how you're dealing with the pain and if your coping skills are adequate. Part of the time was spent in the rehearsal of telling my story and how my pain works and how it affects our lives. I actually don't mind sharing the story anymore, but he has certain questions that he has to ask and that is the part I hate. He was very nice but he wanted to know if I ever get depressed. The answer to that one was “Yes sir I do. I miss out on family outings, church functions etc. and I'm home alone with just God, me, and the pain. I decided a long time ago that a finite hell here on earth is more doable than an infinite one, so I'm not going anywhere.” He then asked if I worry or have panic attacks because of fear of the headache. My answers was along the lines of...I know what my normal high level of pain is, so when the headache behaves like “normal” then I do deep breathing and visualization exercises and we get through it. When it's not normal and I get scared, I wake up my sweetheart and we breathe together until I get centered and the pain comes down enough to deal. I don't know why it always happens in the middle of the night or at church but it does. So that's how we handle it. He asked if it affects our home life...I'm thankful it was a phone consult. I rolled my eyes and went on to describe how we have named the house “The Bat Cave” and that what would have driven me nuts at the beginning of the headache I've learned not to sweat it. If the house isn't as clean as I'd like it to be or the clothes have piled up or the dishes haven't gotten done (all of these things require some type of repetitive noise that pushes the pain higher), then that's life and we worry about the most important things like relationships and loving each other. I told him we have learned to keep a supply of paper goods and plastic ware in the house because dishes aren't something that my sweetheart will do. He does do all the shopping and handles most of the errands and gets my little guy out of the house for some activity because Mama just can't always do it. I've learned to pick and choose what activities to do and when. I've learned that if on a good day I can do some small something outside the house then we're better off.

Anyway after 45 minutes on the phone, he tells me that I've really paid attention over the years and that my coping skills sound like their good and working and that I have a good support system in place. He then told me one of the things he was doing was finding out if I needed to be on something else to help with the depression or if I needed to learn some skills to help me move through the worst parts of the pain, and he felt like I was doing just fine, and he would get his report to the doctor who would be doing the procedure and we would hear from them once the insurance gives the go ahead. Finally he says now I need to collect my co-pay. At this point I handed the phone to my sweetheart because the headache plays with my vision and I can't see the numbers clearly on the card. It also gives the doctor a chance to hear my support system in action. I knew the doctor asked him how he was when my sweetheart said, “I'm hanging in there like a hair in a biscuit. It's been a long 16 years of watching her hurt and we really appreciate anything you can say that will help the insurance company see that we're ready for the procedure.”

I have to say I am very thankful to have this part finished. I'm ready to either hear a yes or no from the insurance company, so that we can learn what the cash cost of the trial procedure and implant would be. Then we can make long range plans. I know that whatever goes on God has this and we will get through this time of waiting just like we have so many other things. Ultimately we know God has this and we just have to do our part by keepin' on keepin' on.

I didn't quote any verses to the doctor while we talked, but he does know that my faith is what I cling to in this battle with pain. It's the unwavering faith that comes with the promises given over and over again. Philip. 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” James 5:16 “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”
It's these promises and so many others that get me through. Please pray with us as we hurry up and wait again. Pray that God will give us healing whether through this procedure or something else. Ask him to grant us contentment and peace in the waiting and ask that we glorify Him in all we say and do.

Thanks for listening and praying. Thanks for being there for our little family and for helping us to remember that we are a part of God's family and it is more numerous than we know and that faithful men and women pray for us daily. We feel those prayers. They are what God uses to see us through those long, dark hours of pain. May our Heavenly Father bless all us, and may we look to Him as we prepare and anxiously await His return.

A Time of Doubt

Romans 12:9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality

Working hard tonight on v,12. The first part to be joyful in hope...I've got that part figured out for the long term, but the short term is more of a struggle. Who really wants to smile when pain seems to be the status of every single part of the day. I can find joy in the small things like a husband who does laundry (actually that's a big one), my young man who chose to hit the punching bag outside after school instead of in his room, and that supper was easy enough to put together w/o much effort.

The hardest part is being patient in affliction. I'm tired of waiting, tired of fighting a battle that feels never ending. I'm ready to have answers. I'm ready to find something that makes all of this just so much easier. It's been a long 16 years! Time spent in waiting rooms, time spent in the dark awake because the pain is ugly, time spent sitting at home instead of next to my guys as they worship the Father at church but I'm stuck at home because I hurt. I'm tired of the guilt and the questions that come with how chronic pain affects our whole family. I tired of some small part of me deep down inside wondering if maybe just maybe I'm not praying the right way...is my faith not really strong enough.

The faithful in prayer part...well I think I've got that covered. I know that God is carrying me through this journey. I know that it is His strength that gets me out of bed, sets up school assignments, and carries out some small tasks around the house. It's his strength that got us out of the house just to ride down the rode a little while with the radio on and the sun shining in on us. I know that the Son lights the way every day.

Yet the Deceiver, he's been busy too. He's the one who fills up that section deep down inside with guilt and doubt. He's the one who whispers, “It's been a rough pain day take it easy don't push, you'll make the next service.” He's the one who I allow to take my contentment for the day and bury it in frustration over what I can't do.

So am I losing this battle...maybe, will I lose the war... NO!!! I can do what I need to do. I can count my blessings. I can notice the beauty that the Father puts in front of me at every turn. I can know without a doubt that the war has already been won. Christ has done that already, it's in the knowing that it's not about being the best Mama in the world or that person who tries to smile even though everything seems to be falling apart. It means I finish the race to the best of my ability giving God the glory and honor no matter the difficulty.

It's knowing that hating the bad things in this world is okay, because Christ said so. It's knowing that I find the good things and I tie my knot there and cling to them. It means I love even those I don't feel much like loving because God loves me at my ugliest. It's in realizing that I have a spiritual family that encompasses more people than I realize. It's knowing there are precious people who are sent my sweetheart's way who listen to all he has to bear and then takes the time to pray for him, for me, and for the pain to leave us be. It's in the recognition that we are not alone not ever. It's knowing that as long as I take care of my little section of the world, all those doubts and frustrations they don't have to control just how I look at the world.

God created me and you to be his daughters. He made me a daughter of the ruler of the Most High King. He made me special so that there has never been anyone just like me before or after my time here. He has promised me a room in His house for all eternity...all I have to do is finish the race. He doesn't ask me to do it a top speed, sometimes it's a shuffle, a step, or sometimes it's all Him carrying me just because I am His and He is mine.

He may not ask me to give money or to open my filthy house to visitors, but He does ask me to open my heart and share just what I've learned from pain. It's opening my heart and taking a chance of being judged instead of loved. It means that I comfort those who may just be starting this difficult path, or maybe it's allowing someone to see the flaws in me, so that they can see the perfection of the Creator. Hospitality takes on new meaning when many days are spent inside a dark house. It means admitting to my tween-aged son that I really blew it. It means apologizing for curt replies to questions asked. It means encouraging even when I don't feel like encouraging. It's accepting that I have no control over some of the things in my life, and changing the ones I can. It's taking the time to remember that I don't always say what I think I said because that's just how the headache works. It's trying to remember to use a kind tone when asking for things to get done around the house. It may even be remembering what it was like to be the little kid who felt like she carried the world, and that my big boy may feel that way too.

It means I get still and let God have His way with me. It means finding ways to store up scripture and songs in a brain that has a hard time remembering just what this sentence was supposed to say. It's allowing the Holy Spirit to take my petitions to the Savior who will then take them to the Father. It's believing in the hope of today and tomorrow and eternity. It's taking life moment by moment and being thankful for the opportunity.

Father help me to keep my eyes on you, my heart open to those around me, and to give forgiveness even when it hasn't been asked for. Help me to be who you want me to be, help me not to be jealous and help me not to focus on the can'ts but the cans. Thank you for being with me in all things. In your son's name, Amen.

A Time of Song

Music has always been an important part of my life. I was blessed with a sweet Mama that sang to teach us from the beginning that Jesus loves me and that God expects a loving heart, prayer, kind words, and that He answers promises. I can honestly say my childhood was full of love and blessings. So many of my memories are wrapped in song...Grandma Dean and Uncle Steve both hummed the same song when we went for rides in the car, Grandma Lyles would rock and sing The Teddy Bear Picnic, and Daddy listening to the radio.

Today I heard a scripture, Zephaniah 3:16, and it was like hearing it for the first time:
“The LORD your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”

It got me thinking of all the times I've rocked my little man and sung songs just for him. The closeness that comes from singing for someone you love is special. It brings joy to the heart of the singer and the hearer. He's a big boy now and I no longer sing him to sleep, but when we sing together or sing with the radio the words to songs take on a deeper meaning. There are songs that become prayers as they're being sung for him to grow in wisdom, love, and joy.

If I can feel that way about my baby, those who I'm worshiping with or just rockin' out to the radio with, then how much more is it for the Father to do that over His children. How incredibly special it is that God Almighty rejoices with us and quiets us with His love, and that He does it in song! How awesome it is that God in all His power takes the time to sing songs of rejoicing over us! We are special to Him and He expresses that love in song.

Can you see it in your minds eye, the Father caring so much that He sings songs of rejoicing just for you! When times are hard and we wonder why we must face the hard things of this world and we keep our eye on Him in the midst of the storm. He rejoices over us with singing. When we tie our knot and hang onto our faith when the Deceiver is trying to strip us of it, our Father sings for us. Songs that one day we will get to hear in person. Their is such joy that comes with the knowledge that not only does the Father know how many hairs are on my head, that He stores up my tears in a bottle, but He sings over me and you. His love poured out in song.

My prayer for us is that we can take that knowledge and rest in the knowledge of our Father's love, that we will follow His example and sing of our love for Him. May we rejoice in the bond we have with Him and with one another. May our hearts be so full that our songs flow back to Him.

The Hem of His Garment

Matt. 9:20 And suddenly, a woman who had a flow of blood for twelve years came from behind and touched the hem of His garment. 21 For she said to herself, “If only I may touch His garment, I shall be made well.” 22 But Jesus turned around, and when He saw her He said, “Be of good cheer, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And the woman was made well from that hour.

I've spent a lot of time in this passage that talks about the woman with an issue of blood and how she had spent all that she had to find a way to stop it. I identify with her because over the past 16 years as a family, both immediate and extended, we've spent lots of money searching for the cause of my headache. But finances are not what draw me to this passage over and over again. It's the faith of this women and her incredible courage. According to Jewish law and tradition, she had spent the last 12 years of her life unclean, that also meant that anything she came in contact with or anyone who touched her was unclean as well. Those people who chose to maintain contact with her knew that they would be unclean until evening after visiting with her. How incredibly alone she must have felt! Women in general were not to even look men in the eye when out in public let alone talk with them. Yet she had heard about the Master and decided to take the leap of faith and work her way through a crowd that was so thick around Jesus that his apostles wondered why He would ask who touched Him when she touched the hem of His garment.

She was willing to risk everything for the chance to be close to Jesus. How tired she must have been just moving about on a regular basis considering she had dealt with an issue of blood for 12 years. I can imagine that it took all the strength she had to be a part of that crowd and work her way to the Master. Her faith was so great that she didn't feel like she had to talk to Jesus. I imagine after spending 12 years in an unclean state she didn't even feel worthy enough for Him to lay eyes on her. Yet she knew that He had healed so many and the opportunity was one she could not pass up. In my mind's eye, I see her as the Savior turns to her and asks who touched Him. She probably wished the earth would open up and swallow her right then and there. Yet she was brave enough to admit that it had been her that touched Him. I can only imagine what joy she felt when the Savior told her that not only was she healed, but she was forgiven of her sins and she was made clean. For 12 years she spent her life living on the fringes of Jewish society because of the laws that dealt with having an issue of blood. Now she could reenter society. She would once again be clean and able to worship in the temple.( Imagine 12 years without the fellowship of the brethren.) The place where we draw our greatest source of strength, she had been denied for 12 years.

With just a few words, Jesus changed her whole life and made her clean. This is the freedom we read of in Hebrews, that the blood of Christ has cleansed us once and for all and so long as we strive to do His will His blood continues to cleanse us. We can do away with the self-doubt, the self recrimination, and the questioning of our faith. Jesus has allowed us to not only touch the hem of His garment, but to place our fingers in his nail scarred hands and the gash in his side. What a blessing to no longer worry if we have offered the right sacrifice in the right way, because He was the ultimate sacrifice.
We also can see from Matt 14: 35 (And when the men of that place recognized Him, they sent out into all that surrounding region, brought to Him all who were sick, 36 and begged Him that they might only touch the hem of His garment. And as many as touched it were made perfectly well.)and
Mark 6: 56 (Wherever He entered, into villages, cities, or the country, they laid the sick in the marketplaces, and begged Him that they might just touch the hem of His garment. And as many as touched Him were made well.) that she set an example that other's followed. In her courage and faith, she gave others another way to contact the healing powers of Christ. In the hardest of times, God promises us that He will use all the things in our life for good. How encouraging that thought is!

So I can rest in a safe assurance of knowing that my headache is not something I suffer because of a lack of faith, a sin I've commited that is unforgiveable(there is no such sin) but that it is a part of the human condition and the fact that because of sin pain and suffering are a part of this world. I can know that as long as I hang onto the Father, He'll not let me fall and that He will find away to make all this world's pain work together for good. When we" touch" the hem of His garment, we won't receive a miraculous healing like the women with the issue of blood, but we can know we will spend an eternity with Him where there is no pain, tears, or loss.

What's It Feel Like

It's been a very long time since I've written specifically about what it's like to live with this ugly old headache. I don't want this to be a "whining post" or an "old poor me type post"; however I do believe that to really know me now, you must know what is going on in my head. So here we go, I'll do my best to put into words what the headache feels like.

To begin with since the pain is constant, there is always some type of background noise in my head. Many times it's just the constant throbbing of the pain (those are the good days). Other times, it feels and sounds like a stake being pounded from the back of my head to the front. With that comes the light and noise sensitivity, most days normal inside lighting feels like the bright sunshine in the middle of the day. If we go outside or places with brighter lighting it's like having all the lights in the football stadium on and shining directly into my eyes. I have some people who have not seen my eyes and on the off chance they see me without sunglasses some of them don't even recognize. There are times that even in the dark the headache itself has a light show that goes on even when my eyes are closed. It's painful and draining simply to deal with just that part. Then you add to that the noise sensitivity. Repetitive noises, squeals, and high pitched sounds are the hardest, but there are also times when just the sounds of a room full of people talking feels like it's being put through a megaphone. Sometimes out of nowhere even small sounds can feel like they come through an air horn.

I know that I am guilty of snapping at people during times when I'm dealing with both sets the noise and the light. It's a knee jerk reaction like yelling “Ouch” when someone steps on your toes. Over the years, my sweetheart has been the one to sit and watch me cry after pushing to be out and about. He is forever my protector and will work to prevent this amount of extra pain when he can. There have been many times when I'm sure people have found us to be very rude, because in stereo we will express displeasure if the noises is one that isn't necessary.
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For this reason, it has to be a good day for us to choose to eat out. If the restaurant is one that is full or one that noises bounce off the walls, it becomes even harder. When I was teaching school the lunchroom was the hardest place to be, now it's usually the fellowship hall at church. I want to be a part of family gatherings, church dinners, and conversation before and after church. I will push to the point of needing to make a trip to the ER(which doesn't work for me and is a complete waste of time, but that's how ugly the pain is). There are times when the pain in my head is soo loud I feel like I have to yell over it. There have been times when I wanted to stand in a chair and yell “Shut up” from the top of my lungs. I've learned how not to do just that, but I may leave quickly after services or in the middle of a meal. It doesn't mean that I don't want to be a part of things or that I want to stop all the wonderful visiting and fellowship, so I leave. If my sweetheart sees me leave, he follows relatively quickly and we take home a very disappointed little boy.

I'm not saying all of this to hinder those I love from making a joyful noise when they are together. I just want you to know that I'm not mad or don't want to spend time with you, it's just that I've reached my capacity for handling it all.

As always, it is my prayer that my words are kind and my disposition sweet, but on those days when I fail I ask that you take the above into consideration and forgive me. Many thanks to all. Please keep us in your prayers. There are many times when our plans have to change at the last minute and I'm home alone. It is during these times when the devil tries to work on my faithfulness. Your prayers are coveted. Thanks for reading.

Please Heal Me

I wrote this song about 2 months ago. It was one of those rare moments when it all just seemed to flow. It's still a little rough and there are few little things I am waiting to change, but it also feels like its time to share it. I've tried to add a link for the melody, but I haven't had any luck getting my program to work. I'm ready to share the lyrics and we'll pray I can come back later with a link to how I hear it in my head. The fight with the headache and sin in general are ever present. Hoping this helps someone else as much as it's helped me. P.S. Remember, I'm sharing the depths of my heart with you. May God bless all of us with healing.


Please, Heal Me by Samantha Moore

Father, hear my plea
I'm tired and I long for thee.
This life is hard,
It's full of pain
But I have faith, you'll come again.

Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.

The days move on, the nights are long.
My heart is full of hurt again.
Please Lord, listen to me.
Dry my tears and let me sing.

Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.

My Sins are many,
Your love is great.
I want to walk with you each day.
I long for you, the rest you bring.
Precious Lord, forgive me.

Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.

I'll Shout your praises,
Sweet, Sweet Savior
Even when this soul feels torn.
You've made me your 's
Savior hear my song.
Make my your will my own.

Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.

Oh, help me, Lord,
To keep my eyes on you.
Please let me in this crowded world,
To just hold onto the hem of your robe.
For I know you are my way home.

Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.