Directionally Challenged

I can't count the number of times that I've left home with extra time built into the plan, and still arrived late or not at all to my destination because I took a wrong turn somewhere. I leave home having checked my route, and will accidentally leave my written directions on the table. I pull out of the drive feeling confident, and five minutes later I realize I forgot my map. I hate losing the time spent going home; so, I convince myself that I'll remember the way.

These events remind me of how my daily walk with God can go. I've said a prayer, a quick glance at the day's devotional passage, and then I'm off navigating my day. Life is too busy to slow down and look back, so I keep on going on my own. Psalms 43:3 Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! As long as I live my life following God's directions, then I will achieve heaven; but there are many times when the cares of this world grab my attention and I look to the news or latest "study" on how to achieve success, and lose track of God as my final destination.

There are times I've gotten lost simply because I didn't double check my directions and the turn I made just felt right. How often do I end up on a road of temptation just because it felt right? Sadly more than I want to admit. Isaiah 59:8 The way of peace they do not know, and there is no justice in their paths; they have made their roads crooked; no one who treads on them knows peace. When I make a decision solely because it feels right, I end up anxious and lost wondering just how far I've gone out of the way. Many times I've gone so far there's no way to get there even half an hour late and my only choice is to apologize and turn around and go home.

Our Heavenly Father gives us a lifetime (however long or short) to choose the path to His door. He loves us so much that we can apologize and try again. 2 Corinthians 7:10 For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. The further I go without knowing where I am and if I'm going to make it to my destination the more anxious I become. All I need to do is to turn around and begin again. How blessed we are that our Heavenly Father provides us with the path to salvation...His word, the Bible. Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. As long as I stay in His Word following His directions, I am promised salvation. I need to take time for prayer and Bible study; so that, I don't lose sight of my destination...Heaven.

A Righteous Legacy

I find it interesting how our heavenly Father uses the things in our lives to remind us of His will for our lives. This Fall, I was involved in two Bible studies: one online with a study partner at church and the other was our Sunday morning ladies' Bible class. At times these two studies overlapped and in so doing enriched my life and changed the way I look at the world and how I make decisions. It's been twenty years since a drunk driver killed one of my sisters and a cousin. They are gone, but their legacy lives on.

I was invited to a surprise party for a dear friend of mine in November...she wouldn't be a part of my life without Jenny. I listened to a room full of women excitedly awaiting the arrival of our friend: "she's such an encourager," "she gives the best hugs," and "she gives great advice". During that party, my friend shared that it was my sister who shared the gospel with her in college. In that room were four terrific teens, a group of young mamas, and a few of us "older ladies," all of us being encouraged and loved in a special way because my sister wasn't afraid to share the gospel. All I could think about was I hope that I leave that kind of legacy one day.

I have a precious family that I don't see as often as I would like, but when we all get together the time is not wasted. We've learned to say the hard things and fix what can be mended. Say I love you often, give hugs and sit back and soak up the joy of just being together. We've lost other family members since the kids died, but the urgency not to waste time is their legacy. I want to leave that kind of desire behind.

Taking the time to be silly and make someone laugh is also a blessing that they left us. Those two could fuss and get royally irritated at each other but forgave quickly. I wish they were here to talk to about the things my heart finds so hard to share with but a few others. My cousin helped me see how guys think, and my sister was there to bounce ideas off of for devotionals and Bible classes. I miss them and what they brought to my life but their legacy lives on in our friends and family.

It is with joy that I can look to the future, because I know I will see them again. It is with renewed determination that I look at each day to find ways to share the gospel with those whom I come in contact. It's with boldness and Godly fear that I choose to say the hard things sometimes in hopes of saving a soul or just doing what is right. All of that is their legacy, and it can also be mine and yours.

Jeremiah 29: 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Times of Tough Spots

During the tough spots of our life, we either end up losing more than we ever thought possible or we slowly find our way through faith and grace a new level of hope that we never dreamed was possible. It's those times we are hurting emotionally, physically, or both that we get to choose to stay stuck in the middle of the yucky, lost place we're in, or we can deal with the hurt and find out that God has worked in our hearts another level of hope, love, and compassion. Sometimes it doesn't take us long to decide, but there are times when it takes long sleepless nights, days spent feeling sorry for ourselves, and time spent examining our hearts under the microscope of what we think is fair or unfair. It can feel as if every breath we draw and every decision made is a battle waged against the devil. He is the deceiver. He wants us to look at what we're dealing with and see an unloving God who plays games with our lives or A God who no longer cares or sees us hurting and fighting. It's been a rough season for me. My heart breaks with those who have lost loved ones, friends who are dealing with chronic pain, and watching those I love walk their own roads of suffering. It's when we are trying so hard to please the Father, yet we continue to encounter road blocks at every turn. I don't have the answers, but I know the One who loves me enough that He suffers right beside me. He cares so much more than I can begin to fathom the depth of that love and grace. So this morning, I'm pushing to see the beauty and growth that comes with suffering.It's the tough times that are used to bring us a deeper capacity for caring and loving. It's those times that help us see that this world is not our home. It's those times that help us see the Sonshine and walk in the warm rays of God's love and grace.
Romans 5: 1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Faith

Faith
I know that God is good.
I see His grace and love in the sunrise, the birds' song, a child's trusting face.
I know He is in control and faith leaves no room for doubt.

I also see the pain and hurt, the loneliness and shame.
For sin took a perfect world and brought with it death and trouble.
Sin changed man with its promises of power and knowledge.
It left behind a broken world in need of a perfect Savior.
For sin is what brings suffering and God who is always good brought us salvation's glory.

In the quiet of the pain filled nights, my heart wonders why me.
It questions how God who is good could allow all this to happen.
I look at where I am today and know my Savior lives.
For even in the darkest times, His light shines up ahead.
I'm not alone even when I feel like I am, my God is holding me.
His Spirit lives within my heart and brings me hope and love and joy and peace.

So when my soul begins to wonder why, I look back to Calvary's mountain.
I see the mighty Son of God his arms stretched out on the cross held not by the nails but perfect love.
The King who left heaven's glory to pay the debt my sins had wrought.
He was brought from God's presence to a world filled with pain from eternal love to hate.
If my Savior could suffer such cruelty for me and do it all alone then I can walk the road of pain with faith that doesn't doubt for God has promised an eternal life without pain and tears and death.

Looking Back to Look Forward

I am constantly amazed at how our Heavenly Father works by using the people who come into our lives for a season but remain in our hearts for a lifetime. We see this easily in our family members, but what about those people who are just a part of our lives for a very specific period of time or maybe those who become a part of our forever families because of the bonds forged in the fires of pain or the joys of this life.

Ecc. 3:11 He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end.

I see God's hand at work in my life from early moments of childhood to even now as a middle-aged woman. There were bible class teachers and teachers at school who made huge impacts on a very young life helping to shape and mold the opinions and beliefs that I hold tightly to today. The teacher who with patience showed me over and over again how to tie my shoes when I just couldn't seem to get my fingers to work. She helped instill the we don't give up but try and try again. The teacher who washed the skinned knees and calmed a very frightened little who was being chased by a dog and then delivered me safely home to the arms of my sweet Mama. Oh, how big a part they played in who I am today. They helped shape the desire to teach and even when the dyslexia made reading so hard they found things to make me feel like I could conqueror the world.

Deut. 6:4-9-“Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one! You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Then there are the countless friends from elementary schools scattered across three states and from one side of town to another. Girl Scout leaders who helped a very shy little girl find her voice behind a puppet stage. The mamas of those friends who took the time to make me feel a part of their family as well as my own, began the process of teaching me that family doesn't have to be blood related to be family.

There were also people that taught me what I didn't want to be and that kindness is golden. Some of the lessons were learned from adults and some classmates. There was the teacher who didn't show patience and said ugly things to my “at-risk reading group”. The one who rather than encouraging discouraged me from being willing to work hard to accomplish a goal. Those were important lessons to learn. It was the friend's dad down the road who spoke ugly to my sister and then thought I would want to stay and play. Well maybe I could have handled that one better, but he helped me learn loyalty and how to fight for someone you love even when it's scary. I learned that words once said can't be taken back and though you may forgive there are some things you just never forget.

Prov. 17:9 He who conceals a transgression seeks love,
But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.

It's the friends from camp, youth devos, and sleepovers that taught me the value of open and honest sharing of the heart. It was talking long into the night till you fell asleep, getting up early to get the hot shower and a place to plug in your curling iron. It was the process of learning that sometimes someone can be really nice to your face, yet they will rake you over the coals when your back is turned. It was those friends who stood up for you even when they didn't agree with everything you believed and protected your innocence and learning not everything is black and white. I learned I could love people but not like their actions. It was the space to learn to stand up for my beliefs even while shaking because I didn't want to be different yet God calls us to be different.

Prov. 18:24 A man of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

2 Cor. 3:4-6 Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

It's the blessing of older women showing me how to love my husband. It was precious souls who when Mama wasn't there to talk to (remember this was before cell phones and even us not having a telephone because groceries were more important). There were couples who took a very young set of newlyweds under their wing and provided friendship and encouragement to keep doing good. It was precious souls who taught hard lessons on life in a beautiful life and a quiet bold voice. It was sweet folks who taught a young bride how to cook without a cookbook and how to be the wife God expected, not by what they said but by having me in their home and living it in front of me. It was sweet mamas who shared their littles with a young woman who very much wanted to be a mama, and taught me how to discipline and love all at the same time. How precious those ladies are and were!

Titus 2:3-5 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

It was bringing into my life people who dealt with chronic illness and pain, yet lived beautiful lives of service to their families and the church. It was by being asked to ride and just be company to doctor's appointments and just being there in the house through the rough spots. It was sweet families who took care of a sick and scared you young school teacher and showed me how church family loves each other even when the only connection we have is the blood of Christ.

Rom. 8: 14-17 For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

It was listening to words spoken to my Mama and my Aunt when they lost their babies that taught me what to say and what not to say. It was watching church family care for us that taught me how to care for others. It's the people God sends to preach His word in actions and love. It's knowing that people can make grief bearable or unbearable with just the smallest slip of the tongue or act of kindness.

Prov. 15:4 A soothing tongue is a tree of life,
But perversion in it crushes the spirit.

I've been blessed with friends who when they came into my life the first time the connection didn't form, but that when God brought them back into my life later they have become family and encouragers. There are people who I may not see often, but when I do they make my heart lighter just by the sound of their voice or the words that appear on my computer screen. They help me see a glimpse of heaven here on earth with their love.

2Cor.13:5-10 Test yourselves to see if you are in the faith; examine yourselves! Or do you not recognize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you—unless indeed you fail the test? But I trust that you will realize that we ourselves do not fail the test. Now we pray to God that you do no wrong; not that we ourselves may appear approved, but that you may do what is right, even though we may appear unapproved. For we can do nothing against the truth, but only for the truth. For we rejoice when we ourselves are weak but you are strong; this we also pray for, that you be made complete. For this reason I am writing these things while absent, so that when present I need not use severity, in accordance with the authority which the Lord gave me for building up and not for tearing down.

God sent children for me to love all through my childhood and early adulthood. I learned quickly that love comes with high expectations, and real love demands good behavior and consequences when they're not met. He sent me sweet children who were hurting and wanted direction. He taught me that my heart could grow and stretch and hurt with the pain that wasn't my own. He sent me opportunities to love those who weren't “loveable” and reap the reward of them knowing I loved them and God loved them. I learned our world can be full of ugliness and pain, but that through LOVE we see God and grace and redemption. Yes, children taught me that lesson.

Matt. 19:13-14 Then some children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray; and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

He used those who made comments that wounded a heart longing for babies, so I could learn how not to hurt others. He sent people I could watch from a distance and learn from on how to comfort someone who had lost a baby. Those have been so important. He sent friends who are adult adoptees who have willingly shared their story, and now I have some idea on what to expect as my sweet boy grows up with questions and longing and grief and joy all mixed together. He has stretched my heart and made room to understand that loving birth-parents doesn't mean not loving me.

James 1:26-27 If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless. Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

It is amazing how a word spoken at just the right time in the past can continue to influence who I am today. It's people who took the time to ask a young couple about their dreams for their family and the church that helped create this middle aged couple standing on the edge of dreams answered or about to be answered. It's realizing that all along the way God has used us in just the same way with others, and being humbled at the thought. May God continue to send us people who touch us and allow us to touch them; so that, we can see God in every aspect of our life.

Jer. 29: 11-13For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

James 1:15-18 Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren. Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. In the exercise of His will He brought us forth by the word of truth, so that we would be a kind of first fruits among His creatures.

It is with the hope of the eternal that allows us to see beyond the past and the present moment to the eternal future with Him. May He bless us all, and may we see the opportunities to be His hands and feet.

A Letter to My 13 Year Old Self

Dear 13 year old self,

Get ready for life to make some big changes. Stay focused on school and remember how you behave affects who you become. Be compassionate, don't think you're always right. Life will reveal just how much you don't know very soon.

When Mama asks for your help, do it with a smile. She doesn't like how much responsibility she's given you anymore than you do, but there aren't any other options and you can meet the challenge.

Tell your baby sister you love her more than you fuss at her... you're not her Mama. Keep up with that little brother a little more, he isn't as grown as you think he is. The fussing that you do with the younger sister remember your sisters in Christ and those rules apply to your relationship too.

Stay active in the youth group, there are so many blessings that come from that time. Read and memorize scripture now, it gets harder to hang on to it as you get older.

Be the daughter of the King that He wants you to be. Latch onto those friendships at church, camp, and school. Decide right now how you plan to handle the hard things that will come in your life to tempt you. Be careful what movies you see, speak kindly and respectfully to everyone with a special emphasis on Mama and Daddy.

Find a way to express your emotions, just because you feel like you have to be in control doesn't mean you have to hold everything inside. Remember that there are some secrets that need to be shared.

Love family deeply every chance you get. Give hugs and say I love you every time you see them. Tell Aunts and Uncles how much they mean to you and why. Tell them thank you for play time and for making you feel special.

The day you go riding on the moped with you best friend and the cop pulls into the drive way to fuss about your not having a helmet on, stand beside her and take responsibility for your actions. Don't be a chicken and run inside because you're afraid of authority figures.

Remember that while you think you know everything, you still have a lot to learn. Find a healthy way to get rid of stress...exercise, yell, but most importantly breathe. School is important ,but it's not everything.

Trust God in good times and bad. Watch Mama and Daddy, they are wonderful examples. Give Grandpa Dean lots of hugs and kisses (yes, he really likes them even if he growls). Take every opportunity to spend time with Grandma Dean...show up on hair washing day...you'll look back one day and be so glad you did. Watch that Aunt who takes care of the folks she loves. She's awesome and cares even when they're grumpy. Give her an extra squeeze and let her know just how much you love her.

Don't push Jenny past her limits...you will regret it. Soak up all the time you have with her both good and bad. Sing all the time. There will come a time when it won't be this easy.

There are so many things I wish I could change but I know that’s not how it works. Remember it's not the number of friends you have, but the relationships you build for a lifetime.

The Spring Break Grandma and Grandpa Lyles come to visit. Let them do what they came to do...take care of you. Let her be the boss. Every time you hear Grandpa Lyles pray store it up in your heart. Watch Grandma Lyles serve others and you'll see Christ in action.

Find the joy in times spent with Jenny, Willard, and Garrett. Savor the moments things change before you're ready.

Be happy with who you are! Enjoy being a size 10. I promise you, you are not fat. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. You're willing to fight battles for every one else; fight one for yourself every now and then.

Above all love God! Put your heart into his keeping. Feed your soul, pray, and work to produce the fruit of the spirit. God is all powerful, His love is greater than you can imagine, and his spirit lives within you and will give you strength.

Hard times are ahead, but through each trial and struggle God is with you. Sometimes the things you don't think are fair or that you can't get through...all fit into God's perfect plan for your life.

One last thing, Satan is a deceiver. It's how he works. He wants you to doubt yourself, those you love, but above all he wants you to question your faith in God. You'll be surprised who he sends or what you'll encounter for him to get to your heart. Your going to make mistakes. Confess them, breathe, and move closer to God.

Stand on the promises of God and one day, you'll get to stand in His presence. Remember everything in God's way and God's timing. Don't grieve the “nos” for long, but concentrate on the blessings.

It's God and you working together, so you've got this,
Your 43 year old self

A Time of Being Broken

This is one of those articles I'm not really sure I want to start or how to start, but here we go. If you know me at all, then you know I spend my time riding this crazy roller coaster called my life. I have days where pain seems to be the only thing I can see. Sometimes that's OK because I can see the blessings it has brought into my life, how it has shaped the person I am today, and even how I react to children who are dealing with sensory overload. I guess it's true that you have to walk in someone’s shoes to really get their personal journey.

So, I deal with the pain and so does my family and those who love me. I could spend a lot of time talking about just how we sit down at the beginning of a month and plan just how we want to use the meds so I can be an active part in family activities. It's not to cause drama or pity or attention, it's simply living my life. With all of that comes this great burden of guilt because I keep us from the fun, I've missed so many firsts just because they happened as they are supposed to naturally and out of the blue. The guilt is almost as hard to deal with as the pain. Then there's the anger that comes with dealing with it all, and the questions of why should I deal with this.

There are times when it's not entirely my fault and I feel like it's fair that my family has to share in the struggle. I know that sounds ugly but it's true. Maybe the day could have gone smoother if only...and you fill in the blanks. I push to do because I want to please those who live with this every day battle of pain with me. I'm willing to do more, and it maybe that it's just another few minutes, or delaying taking meds so I can drive. It's all OK, yet it's not.

It's at times like this the devil whispers sweet promises of not caring how what I say or do, or don't say or don't do isn't important. He whispers, “Just take the path of least resistance.” Do what makes those around you happy and do what you need to do to make them happy. Sometimes there really is nothing wrong with listening to those whispers, except that it makes listening and doing so much easier the next time.

So I feel broken, not just health wise, it really is such a small part of it. Broken in those small corners of the heart that only God and the devil sees. When I feel like Humpty Dumpty and no matter what happens can all the pieces really be put back together again. Am I so broken that the God I believe is all powerful and capable of all things and love beyond understanding can't put me back together because I've allowed the whispers of the devil to be what I listen to? The answer to that question is “NO”. God's spirit resides in that broken heart and continues to hear my pleas and carry them to the throne of grace. Yet, I'm still broken. The parts that where fixed yesterday, have need of being fixed again today. The grief that comes with the what ifs and why nots, chip away at the heart I put in the keeping of the King when I paddled out to Daddy and he baptized me when I was 9.

Here is the answer, above all else, who holds my heart? Who can break it and put it back together again even better than it was before? The King of all Kings, the Alpha and the Omega, the great I AM is the keeper of my heart. Sometimes, He has to break it so it can be His again, and sometimes he softens it with humility and gentleness found in conversation with precious ones who are righteous and fighting their own battles, but willing to share in my fight and me in theirs.

James 5: 13-16 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

How thankful I am that we have promises like the one above! It lets me know what to do when all is right in my world, and it lets me know what to do when it feels as if I'm so broken I can't be put back together. The promise is there will be comfort. The comfort that comes with sharing just how broken you feel with someone you know won't judge you, and to learn that you aren't alone. This battle of life we fight was never meant to be fought alone. God tells us exactly how to win the battles. To confess (share) your brokenness with others. Be willing to drop the barriers and let them see what you feel is the ugliness of all that brokenness, and pray. PRAY!! Pray for each other and you will see the great power of God as it is working. I am not alone!! You are not alone!! We are together in prayer and as we go there and reach out our Father draws ever nearer to me and you.

Does this mean that there are days, moments, weeks when I don't feel broken? NO! Because I am still fighting and as long as I'm trying and working to live for the true keeper of my heart, He will always be there for me. You see, God doesn't move...I do. If I choose to listen only to the devil's whispers then I move myself further from the Father. But if I am humble and persistent and I don't give up, then my Father carries me close to His breast, and that heart that feels so broken is being mended and made perfect with each and every trial.

James 4:7-10 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

Here I am standing at the end of another year feeling more broken than I ever have in so many areas of my life, yet I get to choose to submit myself to the will of the Father. As long as I keep resisting those whispers of giving in and giving up, I have the promise that all these tears I cry feeling like my world has fallen apart will be what purifies my heart and this broken spirit will be lifted up and exalted by the Father who is the true keeper of my heart. If I let Him keep my heart and I work to please him, then He will draw near to me and all those things the devil uses will flee. I can't get there by myself, but God has promised me and you that when we share those things we don't want the world to see with one another, and we pray together then we will see His power working through our prayers.

Dear Father, thank you for giving us your word with all its promises. Thank you for sending us righteous women and men who we can confess our sins to and in so doing magnify the power of prayer by adding more voices petitioning your throne. Be with us as we begin a new year and help us to please you in all we say and do. Help us to draw closer to you every day, and to resist the empty promises of the devil. Help me to let you be the true keeper of my heart and to put all my faith in you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Salt of the Earth

It's been several weeks since our minister taught a Bible class on this verse from Matthew 5:13 “You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet. It's one of those lessons that when you've grown up in the church, you've probably heard more lessons than you can count from this scripture. I always come away from it with a renewed sense of wanting to be the salt that flavors.

But this time not only did he talk about how it only takes a little salt to give flavor and that once that flavor is gone the salt is only good for walking on, but he brought out the point that salt makes us thirsty. It's true you know like when you have popcorn or chips you need something to drink to go along with it. I have to admit I'd never really thought about how salt makes us long for fresh water and the implications that has in my spiritual life.

The more I thought about how salt makes us thirsty, the more John 4:7-14 kept coming to mind. It says A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.”(For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.)The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.”The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.”Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.”

So, this got me thinking along two points. The first is that if I'm living the life that Christ wants me to and I'm sharing him with those around me then I am the salt and those I come in contact with should become thirsty for the living water. There needs to be something that people will see in me that makes them want to know how I can still find joy with a 16 year migraine. If I've become the salt then those I come in contact with will want the Living Water. The second thing it made me think about is am I thirsty for the Living Water? Am I living my life in such a way, that I long for the Water that will satisfy my thirst for all time? Do I spend enough time with those who are salty so that my thirst for the Living Water becomes even stronger? Do I spend enough time in the Word to crave the Water of eternity?

Sometimes I really struggle with this. There are days and weeks when the migraine keeps me confined to the house and the devil whispers: “You don't need to study, It's o.k. to be grouchy and mean you hurt you have a right to be, and It's not just your job to be an example to your family...they're supposed to take care of you.” The devil knows right where to get us and how to make us doubt the Father, given enough time he'll have us craving bitter water filled with poison. I know that the Living Water has already won the war, and it's my job along with the rest of His followers to fight the battles until the day He returns to call us home.

Father, please help me to make others thirsty for your word. Help me to spend time with those who will make me long for you and to study more and more. Help me to become saltier each day and help me to season the lives of those I come in contact with, with a desire to get to know you better. In Jesus' name, Amen.

A Time of Doubt

Romans 12:9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality

Working hard tonight on v,12. The first part to be joyful in hope...I've got that part figured out for the long term, but the short term is more of a struggle. Who really wants to smile when pain seems to be the status of every single part of the day. I can find joy in the small things like a husband who does laundry (actually that's a big one), my young man who chose to hit the punching bag outside after school instead of in his room, and that supper was easy enough to put together w/o much effort.

The hardest part is being patient in affliction. I'm tired of waiting, tired of fighting a battle that feels never ending. I'm ready to have answers. I'm ready to find something that makes all of this just so much easier. It's been a long 16 years! Time spent in waiting rooms, time spent in the dark awake because the pain is ugly, time spent sitting at home instead of next to my guys as they worship the Father at church but I'm stuck at home because I hurt. I'm tired of the guilt and the questions that come with how chronic pain affects our whole family. I tired of some small part of me deep down inside wondering if maybe just maybe I'm not praying the right way...is my faith not really strong enough.

The faithful in prayer part...well I think I've got that covered. I know that God is carrying me through this journey. I know that it is His strength that gets me out of bed, sets up school assignments, and carries out some small tasks around the house. It's his strength that got us out of the house just to ride down the rode a little while with the radio on and the sun shining in on us. I know that the Son lights the way every day.

Yet the Deceiver, he's been busy too. He's the one who fills up that section deep down inside with guilt and doubt. He's the one who whispers, “It's been a rough pain day take it easy don't push, you'll make the next service.” He's the one who I allow to take my contentment for the day and bury it in frustration over what I can't do.

So am I losing this battle...maybe, will I lose the war... NO!!! I can do what I need to do. I can count my blessings. I can notice the beauty that the Father puts in front of me at every turn. I can know without a doubt that the war has already been won. Christ has done that already, it's in the knowing that it's not about being the best Mama in the world or that person who tries to smile even though everything seems to be falling apart. It means I finish the race to the best of my ability giving God the glory and honor no matter the difficulty.

It's knowing that hating the bad things in this world is okay, because Christ said so. It's knowing that I find the good things and I tie my knot there and cling to them. It means I love even those I don't feel much like loving because God loves me at my ugliest. It's in realizing that I have a spiritual family that encompasses more people than I realize. It's knowing there are precious people who are sent my sweetheart's way who listen to all he has to bear and then takes the time to pray for him, for me, and for the pain to leave us be. It's in the recognition that we are not alone not ever. It's knowing that as long as I take care of my little section of the world, all those doubts and frustrations they don't have to control just how I look at the world.

God created me and you to be his daughters. He made me a daughter of the ruler of the Most High King. He made me special so that there has never been anyone just like me before or after my time here. He has promised me a room in His house for all eternity...all I have to do is finish the race. He doesn't ask me to do it a top speed, sometimes it's a shuffle, a step, or sometimes it's all Him carrying me just because I am His and He is mine.

He may not ask me to give money or to open my filthy house to visitors, but He does ask me to open my heart and share just what I've learned from pain. It's opening my heart and taking a chance of being judged instead of loved. It means that I comfort those who may just be starting this difficult path, or maybe it's allowing someone to see the flaws in me, so that they can see the perfection of the Creator. Hospitality takes on new meaning when many days are spent inside a dark house. It means admitting to my tween-aged son that I really blew it. It means apologizing for curt replies to questions asked. It means encouraging even when I don't feel like encouraging. It's accepting that I have no control over some of the things in my life, and changing the ones I can. It's taking the time to remember that I don't always say what I think I said because that's just how the headache works. It's trying to remember to use a kind tone when asking for things to get done around the house. It may even be remembering what it was like to be the little kid who felt like she carried the world, and that my big boy may feel that way too.

It means I get still and let God have His way with me. It means finding ways to store up scripture and songs in a brain that has a hard time remembering just what this sentence was supposed to say. It's allowing the Holy Spirit to take my petitions to the Savior who will then take them to the Father. It's believing in the hope of today and tomorrow and eternity. It's taking life moment by moment and being thankful for the opportunity.

Father help me to keep my eyes on you, my heart open to those around me, and to give forgiveness even when it hasn't been asked for. Help me to be who you want me to be, help me not to be jealous and help me not to focus on the can'ts but the cans. Thank you for being with me in all things. In your son's name, Amen.

A Time of Song

Music has always been an important part of my life. I was blessed with a sweet Mama that sang to teach us from the beginning that Jesus loves me and that God expects a loving heart, prayer, kind words, and that He answers promises. I can honestly say my childhood was full of love and blessings. So many of my memories are wrapped in song...Grandma Dean and Uncle Steve both hummed the same song when we went for rides in the car, Grandma Lyles would rock and sing The Teddy Bear Picnic, and Daddy listening to the radio.

Today I heard a scripture, Zephaniah 3:16, and it was like hearing it for the first time:
“The LORD your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”

It got me thinking of all the times I've rocked my little man and sung songs just for him. The closeness that comes from singing for someone you love is special. It brings joy to the heart of the singer and the hearer. He's a big boy now and I no longer sing him to sleep, but when we sing together or sing with the radio the words to songs take on a deeper meaning. There are songs that become prayers as they're being sung for him to grow in wisdom, love, and joy.

If I can feel that way about my baby, those who I'm worshiping with or just rockin' out to the radio with, then how much more is it for the Father to do that over His children. How incredibly special it is that God Almighty rejoices with us and quiets us with His love, and that He does it in song! How awesome it is that God in all His power takes the time to sing songs of rejoicing over us! We are special to Him and He expresses that love in song.

Can you see it in your minds eye, the Father caring so much that He sings songs of rejoicing just for you! When times are hard and we wonder why we must face the hard things of this world and we keep our eye on Him in the midst of the storm. He rejoices over us with singing. When we tie our knot and hang onto our faith when the Deceiver is trying to strip us of it, our Father sings for us. Songs that one day we will get to hear in person. Their is such joy that comes with the knowledge that not only does the Father know how many hairs are on my head, that He stores up my tears in a bottle, but He sings over me and you. His love poured out in song.

My prayer for us is that we can take that knowledge and rest in the knowledge of our Father's love, that we will follow His example and sing of our love for Him. May we rejoice in the bond we have with Him and with one another. May our hearts be so full that our songs flow back to Him.

The Hem of His Garment

Matt. 9:20 And suddenly, a woman who had a flow of blood for twelve years came from behind and touched the hem of His garment. 21 For she said to herself, “If only I may touch His garment, I shall be made well.” 22 But Jesus turned around, and when He saw her He said, “Be of good cheer, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And the woman was made well from that hour.

I've spent a lot of time in this passage that talks about the woman with an issue of blood and how she had spent all that she had to find a way to stop it. I identify with her because over the past 16 years as a family, both immediate and extended, we've spent lots of money searching for the cause of my headache. But finances are not what draw me to this passage over and over again. It's the faith of this women and her incredible courage. According to Jewish law and tradition, she had spent the last 12 years of her life unclean, that also meant that anything she came in contact with or anyone who touched her was unclean as well. Those people who chose to maintain contact with her knew that they would be unclean until evening after visiting with her. How incredibly alone she must have felt! Women in general were not to even look men in the eye when out in public let alone talk with them. Yet she had heard about the Master and decided to take the leap of faith and work her way through a crowd that was so thick around Jesus that his apostles wondered why He would ask who touched Him when she touched the hem of His garment.

She was willing to risk everything for the chance to be close to Jesus. How tired she must have been just moving about on a regular basis considering she had dealt with an issue of blood for 12 years. I can imagine that it took all the strength she had to be a part of that crowd and work her way to the Master. Her faith was so great that she didn't feel like she had to talk to Jesus. I imagine after spending 12 years in an unclean state she didn't even feel worthy enough for Him to lay eyes on her. Yet she knew that He had healed so many and the opportunity was one she could not pass up. In my mind's eye, I see her as the Savior turns to her and asks who touched Him. She probably wished the earth would open up and swallow her right then and there. Yet she was brave enough to admit that it had been her that touched Him. I can only imagine what joy she felt when the Savior told her that not only was she healed, but she was forgiven of her sins and she was made clean. For 12 years she spent her life living on the fringes of Jewish society because of the laws that dealt with having an issue of blood. Now she could reenter society. She would once again be clean and able to worship in the temple.( Imagine 12 years without the fellowship of the brethren.) The place where we draw our greatest source of strength, she had been denied for 12 years.

With just a few words, Jesus changed her whole life and made her clean. This is the freedom we read of in Hebrews, that the blood of Christ has cleansed us once and for all and so long as we strive to do His will His blood continues to cleanse us. We can do away with the self-doubt, the self recrimination, and the questioning of our faith. Jesus has allowed us to not only touch the hem of His garment, but to place our fingers in his nail scarred hands and the gash in his side. What a blessing to no longer worry if we have offered the right sacrifice in the right way, because He was the ultimate sacrifice.
We also can see from Matt 14: 35 (And when the men of that place recognized Him, they sent out into all that surrounding region, brought to Him all who were sick, 36 and begged Him that they might only touch the hem of His garment. And as many as touched it were made perfectly well.)and
Mark 6: 56 (Wherever He entered, into villages, cities, or the country, they laid the sick in the marketplaces, and begged Him that they might just touch the hem of His garment. And as many as touched Him were made well.) that she set an example that other's followed. In her courage and faith, she gave others another way to contact the healing powers of Christ. In the hardest of times, God promises us that He will use all the things in our life for good. How encouraging that thought is!

So I can rest in a safe assurance of knowing that my headache is not something I suffer because of a lack of faith, a sin I've commited that is unforgiveable(there is no such sin) but that it is a part of the human condition and the fact that because of sin pain and suffering are a part of this world. I can know that as long as I hang onto the Father, He'll not let me fall and that He will find away to make all this world's pain work together for good. When we" touch" the hem of His garment, we won't receive a miraculous healing like the women with the issue of blood, but we can know we will spend an eternity with Him where there is no pain, tears, or loss.

Please Heal Me

I wrote this song about 2 months ago. It was one of those rare moments when it all just seemed to flow. It's still a little rough and there are few little things I am waiting to change, but it also feels like its time to share it. I've tried to add a link for the melody, but I haven't had any luck getting my program to work. I'm ready to share the lyrics and we'll pray I can come back later with a link to how I hear it in my head. The fight with the headache and sin in general are ever present. Hoping this helps someone else as much as it's helped me. P.S. Remember, I'm sharing the depths of my heart with you. May God bless all of us with healing.


Please, Heal Me by Samantha Moore

Father, hear my plea
I'm tired and I long for thee.
This life is hard,
It's full of pain
But I have faith, you'll come again.

Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.

The days move on, the nights are long.
My heart is full of hurt again.
Please Lord, listen to me.
Dry my tears and let me sing.

Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.

My Sins are many,
Your love is great.
I want to walk with you each day.
I long for you, the rest you bring.
Precious Lord, forgive me.

Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.

I'll Shout your praises,
Sweet, Sweet Savior
Even when this soul feels torn.
You've made me your 's
Savior hear my song.
Make my your will my own.

Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.

Oh, help me, Lord,
To keep my eyes on you.
Please let me in this crowded world,
To just hold onto the hem of your robe.
For I know you are my way home.

Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.

A Time of Questions

It seems the older I get the more questions I have. It fits right in with something my sweetheart told our son this weekend. He said, “Son, the time will come when you think that Mama and I are absolute idiots and you'll question everything we do, but remember that I predicted it would happen. When you realize I was right, you're really going to hate having to admit that Dad really does know something; in fact, he just might be a genius. And you're going to hate it all the more.” Really and truly that's what the adolescent and the young adult years are all about..questions. Questions that race widely around in their head about everything from how's my hair look to is there really a God.

I guess where I'm trying to go with this is that we have to give our children the tools to answer all those questions for themselves. Have we helped to cultivate a spirit of confidence; so that they can walk around with confidence no matter the hair style. Have we helped them to cultivate a love for God's word and encouraged them to decide God is the Creator and author of salvation not because Mama and Daddy believe it, but because they can study and make that decision for themselves.
God gives us some parameters for raising children and here are a few:

Proverbs 22:​​6 Train up a child in the way he should go,
​And when he is old he will not depart from it.

Ephesians 6:4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

These verses remind us that we must train our children. They don't come into this world programmed to obey, speak politely and use their best manners. In fact, children will take a chance even when all the odds are stacked against them just to see if we're going to hold the line we said we would. If we aren't consistent then we won't get the results we want. It means that even when my head is screaming with the pain from the headache that I will still enforce our family rule: to do right. In doing this, I must be careful to mirror the same love God has for me as I discipline/train. It means that my son understands that I don't like the way he is behaving but I still love him. In the heat of the moment words that cannot be taken back can place scars on the heart of the child. There is an understanding that this is the behavior I expect from you and I'm sorry that you chose to make a bad decision. It is one of my big pet peeves to hear a child be told they are bad, stupid, etc. The child is not bad the decision was. God sent his one and only son to die for me while I was still a sinner. He hates the sin, but loves the person. It's one of those things I must work really hard at to remember.

It is important that the rules stay the same for the same situation. It meas I must train him to know the difference in how to act inside, outside at home, outside away from home, and how I expect him to sit and listen during worship. It is important that I don't change the rules mid- stream. In our house this is when the pouty face will appear and hands will clench. It's often done because his expectation for my reaction (based on past experiences) doesn't meet up with what happens. This definitely provokes anger. As a small child, he didn't know how to express that anger except in tears. Now, it means I'm dealing with a sullen non responsive tween. It's at these times that I'm learning just as much as he is. If I don't listen to his concerns then things can escalate to a level where I may be provoking him to anger/ make a bad choice.

It is my desire to encourage and train at the same time. If I like the behavior I'm seeing I tell him. By letting him know what I like to see, he gets a better picture of my expectations. We have done this since he began to crawl and climb. Our children long to please us, just as we should long to please God. If there are certain actions you don't want to see, prepare them to act the way you want when they are small. I enjoyed visiting the shut-ins and widows one night a week with a girl friend before our son's adoption. I wanted to be able to take him with me and not fuss at him the whole time about don't touch. So I put a bowl with flowers on our coffee table, he was not allowed to touch it at all because it was not his. In fact from the time he was able to talk to age five (aside from the word no) the words he and I both said where “If it not mine/yours then don't touch it. I tried to keep something of his on the table as well. He could play with what belonged to him, but if he went for my flowers a small pop on the hand was a reminder it wasn't his. It worked (most of the time) and I could take him with me. He would begin to crawl to a table with someone else's pretties and I would say “If it's not yours don't touch it.” If He kept moving then I would go pick him up and give him a toy that I would take with me. This was training him in a safe place to make the right choice. We are still trying to do that as we begin to give more freedom and more choices where the consequences are punishment in themselves.

OK, this is my last suggestion, but for me it's a big one. Allow your child to make choices as often as possible. From at bedtime, do you want water from the kitchen or water from the sink in the bathroom? Always provide two choices that you can live with..” Do you want to snuggle and watch a short cartoon or read a book before bed?” Being able to make even the smallest choices is empowering and allows for the child to trust their own judgment. As they get older the choices change from “Do you want to do an extra days school work today, or stop now?” By doing the extra day early they have a whole day to play or be away from the house, or possibly missing out on something that he wants to do the next day because he wanted to stop school the day before. As the consequences make a bigger impact on the outcome, the child learns more about himself and what works and what doesn't.

So, what did any of this have to do with my sweetheart and me being geniuses in the eyes of our son. It's about the answers to the questions or choices. It's allowing him to see that we've been there done that, and by the very nature of our being human he will repeat it. Maybe the questions that I find myself asking myself are much like the choices I'm giving my son. As I strive to make God's will my will, maybe He is allowing me to learn from the consequences as well. It means that I must spend more time in His word looking for the answers and more time interacting with others to put my solutions into practice. If I don't like the result then I've learned a valuable lesson. Know I need to study more and do things differently the next time.

Dear Father, please help me to make good choices both as a parent and as your child. Help me to honor you in all things, and help me to train this precious soul you've placed in my keeping and to encourage him to love you. Help me Father to allow Him room to chose you for himself and not because I chose you for him. Be with me Father and help me to be the Mama You want me to be, and to glorify You in all things. In Jesus' name, Amen.

A Four Letter Word...Hope

I haven't written much since the beginning of the year and once again it's because we have dealt with a longer period of high pain levels. I can say that the last 4 weeks have been better, but the battle with pain is constant. It is only through the power of prayer that I have pushed through each day. It has meant that we as a family have had some hard times because it is incredibly hard to be sweet when the only thing you want to do is bury your head under the pillows and stay in bed.

It is only through hope and faith in God's promises that I've been able to get done the absolutes as Mama and wife. It has been because with each moment there is the belief that God is able to take my pain away either in this life, in his return or in death. It is because hope is such an important part of every moment that I decided to see just how many times the word hope occurs in the Bible. It occurs 167 times in 159 verses in the NIV version of the Bible. It occurs 18 times in the book of Job, 31 times in the Psalms, 10 times in Proverbs, 7 times in Jeremiah, and 9 times in the book of Acts. When you take a look at where the word is used most frequently it is in times of pain or trials. When Job and his friends are talking Job questions why he still hopes and his friends question if he has enough faith in his hope. In Lamentations 3:19-33, Jeremiah offers up this prayer:

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.

28 Let him sit alone in silence,
for the LORD has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust—
there may yet be hope.
30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
and let him be filled with disgrace.

31 For no one is cast off
by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to anyone.

He reminds us that God wants only good for those who love him and obey his will. He reminds the people that though they have been torn from their homes that God has not forgotten them. It is so often through suffering that God allows us to minister to others. It gives us a perspective on the pain others feel. It helps us to know how someone might be best helped during periods of grief or isolation. So yes, we can be thankful for the tough times. They bring us to our knees which is where we are closest to the Father. It refines our character and makes us better for the pain or trial we've endured. Hope is a four letter word that should be at the very center of who we are, for it is only through hope that we can get through the moments, days, weeks, and years of suffering. May we find strength in knowing we serve a God who hears each heart felt plea and stores our tears in a bottle. He is not blind to our pain and there is joy to be found in the comfort he sends our way.

Are we keeping our eyes and heart open for the answers and comfort he sends? If we fill our hearts with bitterness, then we will lose sight of the joy and comfort that can be found in even our darkest moments. It may come in the form of an article we read, a smile, someone who has been there and listens, and it can come from jumping in water puddles after the rain. It may come in quick hugs and “normal” conversations and it comes in the form of prayers being prayed by many that we don't even know.

It has been all of these things that have seen us through this last 6 months. It's been cards received in the mail, and the recalling of scripture hidden in my heart. We thank you as a family for all you do for us. For those of you who I've never met yet you read my blog, you to have been a source of encouragement. When I'm house bound and unable to teach in a class setting, you allow me to continue to carry out the command to teach. It helps me to feel useful to the kingdom even when I sit alone at home in the dark.

The last four weeks have also restored a portion of hope. To be able to get out in the sunshine and to spend time with my boys away from the house has been medicine to my soul. It has been a blessing to celebrate another triple shot of blessings that come from Agape's Run For a Mom, Mother's Day, and Gotcha Day celebrations. It is being able to be at church surrounded by both my physical and spiritual family while my sweet boy presents a lesson that he put together without my help. It has reminded me that each day holds blessings without number, and that I can conquer the blows that the Deceiver sends my way because God hears and answers prayer.

May your day..life be filled with hope in the knowledge that God does care and He is with us. In all things may we bring honor and glory to the Father, amen.

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A Time of Truth

Sometimes in our hurt and frustration anger becomes the avenue for saying things that need to be said but at a time when the fire is no longer burning. I have to admit that this is one of my big weaknesses. I hate confrontation and would much rather smooth ruffled feathers than deal with the issue at hand. I will put those things off until I explode. First of all, this is NOT how our Heavenly Father intends for us to deal with things.

Psalms 4:4 Be angry, and do not sin.
Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.
Eph. 4:26-27 “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

If I would just remember to do things God's way then things would go much better. My little man is becoming a tween-er and quick. He doesn't mind saying what he thinks, has a strong sense of right and wrong, and can be very loud, and repetitive. All of these qualities will do him so much good as he gets older that I don't want to squash them. However, our house is a headache house. We live with low lighting as quietly as possible, so that, my head doesn't feel like it is going to pop off. We literally use migraine meds for church and then a special day out. I guess I'm trying to say that he knows just which buttons to push and boy have we been on a roll lately. If I would handle each infraction as it happened then we might not have as many times of anger.

If I would think through the issue that is really the problem and pray about how to face it, then things would go a lot more smoothly. But to be honest, there are days when I promise it feels like he wants to find out just how much my head can take...will Mama cut the assignment short or put off til tomorrow those sentences that need diagramming. Yes, there are days it works for him....shame on me. I set a precedent that says let's test the odds and see if we can achieve the same thing next day or the next. I did it to my Mama too. If we could just stretch those boundaries then fun could be had. What he's doing is he actually wants to see if I care enough to make him do right. I know the psychology but the action can be so hard.

Mama/ Teacher isn't supposed to lash out, but do the job of getting school done. So when I laid into him all the pain that it felt like he wanted me to feel came spewing out of my mouth and onto him. There were things I said that needed to be said, but not yelled. He needed some time to think about what I said, but he didn't need to feel like I didn't want to deal with him. He needed to know just how tired I am and how hard it is to make school happen some days, but he didn't need it the way I did it.

He has every right to be frustrated and tired too. Being stuck in the house isn't fun, and Mama not feeling like doing the field trips I'd love to do isn't fair. But God didn't promise us this life would be fair. He found out that many days I feel guilty because I do have the headache and yet we adopted him anyway. I know that there are times when he must wonder what it would be like to have a Mama with no headache and who could have had a house full of siblings for him to play with, fight with, and share memories with. We had the headache under control when we decided to adopt...oh, there it is not my plans, but God's?! I don't believe for one minute that the Father enjoys me dealing with pain anymore than I want to see my sweet boy in pain.

So where did the anger come from: the pain, the repetitive noise, the singing the answers to questions at the top of his lungs when I'm sitting right next to him...no, not really all that anger comes from the Deceiver. By letting things go and go, I gave room for Satan to put his foot in my home. I didn't fix things the way God would have me to. So I'm trying and he's trying, and we are going to scale school back a little and do the easy academics and work on the hard cleaning out of anger and frustration in our souls. We'll do it as a family. He knows that I can't begin to imagine my life without him. He taught me how to laugh and smile again. He's taught me that God can take a heart that's broken into pieces and when it's put back together again it has even a bigger capacity to love.

Now before I let you go, I'd like for you to think with me about how when we sin, don't you think that our Father is hurt because of our lack of concern for His place in our lives. If we hurt when our children have done wrong, how much more so does the Father when we are risking eternal life?! It's made me stop and realize again the power of grace and mercy when combined with humble obedience to the Word. May God forgive us of our wrongs and may He help us to deal with anger the way He wants us to; so that, we don't allow the Deceiver a foothold in our homes. May we recognize when breaks are needed and when time in prayer is absolutely necessary before taking the next step or saying that next word.

I promise the next time I write, I'll leave this topic alone for a while. Isn't it wonderful how God forgives and makes us new!

Acts 26:18 ‘to open their eyes, in order to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who are sanctified by faith in Me.’

A Time of Anger

James 3:16-18 For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. (NLT)

We've been studying the book of James this semester for school. I picked it because it's one that I know I need the most work in. I wanted my boy to see that I recognize that when I complain and fuss about things and people that I know it's something I need to work on. I haven't been doing a good job of keeping my tongue under control. I mess up a lot. In fact, I mess up so often that I began to wonder am I really trying to control what comes out of my mouth. If I'm wondering it, I can only imagine what my sweet boy thinks.

Then yesterday, we had one of those days. A day where it seemed as if everything he said or did was in the opposite direction of where I wanted our day to go. He saw a side of me that to be really honest only my sweetheart has seen on a few occasions...I mean the last time I can remember being that angry was when I was a teenager fighting it out with my younger sister. (Those days I didn't even try to control my temper and Jenny and I both had scares from some of our fights.) I promise I didn't touch my boy, but he probably wished I had because by the time I unloaded all the frustration and anger on him...I know he felt the sting of words that cut deep and can't be taken back. He was trying me to see just what he could get away with and instead of taking care of things one at a time, I waited for the explosion.

So here we are back to why I've picked James for our Bible Study. Words are powerful! They can build up and tear down. I want my speech to reflect peace and gentleness....even when the pain in my head brews like a storm. So today, I decided to read James to him from the New Living Translation. As I was reading, I heard an oh and hmm. I know he was listening. Our study Bible is the NKJV, but for the first time he was really grasping the struggle that every Christian has to love the world or the spiritual. He finally understood why this is my go to book when I'm working on my mouth and loving those around me.

I don't think he'll ever forget the “fit” Mama threw yesterday, and I don't want him to forget. But I hope that he remembers that after a period of cooling off, that I came into his room and had him get on his knees with me to pray. I begged for forgiveness for how I said the things I said. I pleaded for mercy and grace not only from the Father but from my son. It's my prayer that the memory of Mama crying a prayer for the two of us will teach him the power of God's grace and a humble heart. So that takes us back to James 3:16-18, I want my speech to be pure. I want the words he hears come out of my mouth to be peace loving and kind and gentle. I want him to witness a Mama whose trying her best to be full of mercy and good deeds. I want him to know I'm sincere when I say I love all people. I want to be that Mama who is a peacemaker planting seeds of righteousness and peace.

I know that I will fail at times, but I want him to know that this life we've chosen as followers of Christ is not always an easy one. It's a daily battle with the Deceiver, who can so easily use our tongue for evil instead of good. I want him to watch me work out my salvation daily with fear and trembling, and I pray that he will see a humble heart bowed before our Father in heaven. I pray that God will grant me the strength and patience to set the example he needs from me. Above all I pray that he will see the need to do the same in his own life. The teen years are upon us early and he has his own struggles to fight. I pray that God will be with all of us as we work to raise our children to glorify and honor the Father in all things.

P.S. Schooling at home is hard and I think it's time for us to slow down a little bit for a while. Allow ourselves some room to work on character and home as well as the 3 R's. May God bless you and your family as you strive to bring Him honor and glory forever, Amen.

Fanning the Flame

2Tim. 1:5-7 when I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded is in you also. Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. NKJV

This scripture has come to me over and over again in the last week. Anytime that happens I figure it’s time to sit down and really look at it and my life. Sometimes I find encouragement to stay on the track I’m on, and sometimes I find some work in a certain area needs to be done. This time it’s a combination of the two.

One of the first things that really stood out was “stir up the spirit of God“, in the NIV “For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God”. Notice that Paul is not telling Timothy you don’t have this gift and not even that he’s not using it, but that he needs to fan into flame the spirit of God. How often do we go about doing the work of the church with love but without fervor. I love how Paul says to fan the flame. He’s saying you’re hot but you can be hotter. Add that something special to your service and be a fire for Christ.

I’ve been coming back to this verse over and over again. The question is am I serving and sharing in a “Flame on” fashion? Am I praying with faith that knows if it is God’s will then it’s already done? When my brothers and sisters come into contact with me are they warmed by flame as I am by their's? Am I loving both inside and outside the building to the point someone can say “I want what she has”? Am I so excited to study the word of God that I can sit down and read scripture for hours at a time? Am I meditating on THE word and filling my life with the things that are pure and good?

2Tim 1:12-14 For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day. Hold fast the pattern of sound words which you have heard from me, in faith and love which are in Christ Jesus. That good thing which was committed to you, keep by the Holy Spirit who dwells in us.

So, I know I need to hold onto the word of God knowing that it will produce a stronger faith. One that can withstand the sufferings of this life because Christ suffered here in the worst possible way for me and you. I must let go of all control and give it to the one who has promised me a home in heaven. I must trust fully in his promises and know that HE HAS THIS. Wow, let me say that one more time…HE HAS THIS. I may not understand the whys and wherefores but GOD HAS THIS. He has all the daily struggles. He has the solutions to replacing dead refrigerators, washers, and not getting to do outings that I want. He sees the big picture and I’m looking at this moment under a magnifying glass. What I see as huge and insurmountable (like my mountain of laundry), He sees in perspective to my life and all those around me. If I’m willing to fan the flame, the blessings will come. I can know without any doubt that the longings…needs of my heart are in His safe keeping and he has promised to work ALL things together for good in my life.

Father, thank you for the richness of your promises. Thank you for the comfort, peace, and courage that comes from reading Your word and spending time with You in prayer. Help us to fan the flame of Your Spirit and to pass it along to others as we strive to please You in all we do and say. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Can pain be a good gift???

Jam 1:17-20 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. Of His own will He brought us forth by the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of His creatures. So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

This verse has become one of my favorites :)
1) It is a reminder of where my blessings come from. It's in the "little" things like breathing in and out, really taking the time to watch my baby grow both physically and spiritually, spending time with my sweetheart just holding hands, the beautiful sound of the children in my life both laughing and crying, and the incredible ability the Father has given us to express ourselves not only in words but more importantly in touch and prayer.
2) He is the Father of lights...when I feel like I'm in a deep dark cave or in the middle of a hurricane...He's there shining, guiding me. Even when it feels like there is only pain, I can know that He will see me through. I am His and He is mine and His word is truth. There are no shadows in his presence and he does not change.
3) It is because of His greatness...not mine...that I must be quick to hear. I don't mean just hearing those around me but really listening. I need to spend the time the person is speaking to me really taking in what they have to say...not just formulating my reply. Maybe...just maybe that means, I'll hear the broken heart, the hurting spirit, or even the absolute joy behind the words not only just what was spoken.
4) I need to be slow to speak...honestly, this is probably the one that gets me the most often. Between the "sound" of the pain in my head and that voice inside saying "I can do it...I can be out and about...I can help!" Between those two competing "noises" is the stream of words that comes out just trying to keep back the tide of overwhelming disappointment that I am no longer who I used to be. (Note to self: Go back to point one and count my blessings and know that good will come from this as long as I continue in my walk with Christ.)
5) I've got to be slow to anger....my sweet boys don't intentionally do things that make me want to remove my head from shoulders. I need to make sure that what I'm angry about is worth getting angry over (I don't know about you but I’m thankful for the examples of God’s anger over sin…it’s nice to know that not all anger is wrong and it’s what I do with it that makes it sin or not. I need to hear the “ I love you so much I don’t want to watch you hurt because you do “X” when my sweetheart goes into Knight mode and tries to keep me from activities he knows I’ll deal with pain from later. (I’m not always good at this and more often I find myself ready to fight because he’s right and it stinks to not be able to do and play like I would love to.)
6) If the wrath or anger of man doesn’t produce righteousness then I need to be in the word working on cultivating the things that do.

The following passages show us how to do it.
Jam 1:21-27 Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does. Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.

Okay so to create the righteousness that I want to have I must put away the filthiness and the overflow of wickedness. I can go back and tie this to point 4. If I am not slow to speak, then all the junk will just come tumbling out. Is what I’m saying kind or helpful or is it full of the foul language I hear on TV, or in the presence of friends and coworkers? If I truly want the righteousness promised here, I must have the implanted word of God in my heart. In other words, I’ve pulled all the weeds out of my life and planted the word of God there. Words are my “sin that so easily besets me”. But not only do I need to plant the gospel in my life, I must share the produce of the gospel and salvation. I have a lot of work to do on me. I know that I will not make it through life’s journey without getting mess on my clothes with the filthiness of this world.

So sweet friends in a week that has been a roller coaster from start to finish, I am hanging on to the promises …that while I may not understand why two sweet little girls will have to grow up without their Mama or the whys of Mickey’s death…we will see Danielle and Mickey on the other side of Jordan. In the midst of the heartache, we have enjoyed many precious moments with family. Time spent in play and the joys of watching nieces try to catch a frog and Aunt Steph actually grabbing it up and giving it to them. The happiness in the faces of nephews as they took on the responsibility of setting off the fireworks this year, but the cherry on the top was heading out to camp to get my boy and hearing them call his name as boy camper of the week. God does answer our prayers. He gives us the light to walk through the dark valleys and His glory shining through others who touch our life are the rainbow of hope that this world is only a temporary place and we have someplace far, far better to go to.

Dear Father, please be with me today as I deal with the frustrations of pain. Help me to express myself appropriately and to not allow my anger to become sinful. Finally, please help me to glorify you in all I say and do. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

When Mama Sings

I love how certain songs bring back specific memories. When I was growing up there were a couple of songs that Mama would sing at very specific times. Instead of an alarm clock waking us up in the morning, Mama would sing about the sunshine and happy faces. I have to say there were many mornings she didn’t have the happiest faces rolling out of bed. She would come through singing that song and we’d know it was time to get moving. There was no trouble IF (Don’t you just love the word if) we got moving. If she had to come through twice, we knew the next time her sunshine wouldn't last much longer. It was her way of giving us a heads up before we would get into trouble.

She did the same thing when we were fussing amongst ourselves except the song she sang was “Angry Words”. If she made it to the chorus after the third verse then she would reappear and take matters into her own hands. I have always loved how she gave us the that little time to fix what needed fixing before she came to move us to our separate corners. It was like the clock in a boxing match and the end of the song was the bell to end the match. There were times when Mama had to wade in like the Ref and put us where she wanted us. But on the whole, just hearing Love one another thus says the Savior, Children obey the Fathers blest command would stop us. Mama had found her way to teach us the lesson she wanted, reminded us that God was watching, and it was time to obey her.

She sang often and the examples above are memories that bring a smile now. I must admit that I hated hearing those songs as a kid, but today the love that she parented with comes back loud and clear.

My Favorite time to hear Mama sing was bedtime. As she rocked the babies to sleep, her sweet voice would carry through the house. Since I was the oldest, I can remember listening many nights from my bed and the sense of peace and comfort would come right along with the notes she sang as we fell to sleep to “Climb Up the Mountain”, “They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Love”, and “Jesus Loves Me”. Those songs are engraved on my heart. When I hear them now, they bring a smile along with that peace and comfort and a little bit of longing for the next stage in life, because above all else Mama taught us “This World Is Not My Home”.

How blessed the four of us were to grow up in her home. Mama’s love for the Father and my Daddy came through in her every word and deed. It has always been my prayer to be able to provide for my family the rich blessings she provided and continues to provide.

Proverbs 31: 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her:
NKJV

Dear Father, Please help us to find ways to create rich memories wrapped in your love for our children. Help us to reflect your love in all we do as mamas, wives, daughters, sisters, aunts, and friends. Forgive us when we fail and in all things help us to bring glory to your name. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Trying New Things

I 'm so excited to come across a wonderful new opprotunity. I'm learning slowly how to join blog hops and this will be one of my first link ups. It deals with thankfulness and I must confess that many days that is something that I really have to work on.

The beauty of thankfulness is that it is a choice we make. We can choose to look at life through rose tinted glasses and not those of blue and grey. Those blue and grey glasses not only bring us down but those we come in contact with. I have to admit that many days like today, when it's the headache that woke me up and not the singing of birds outside my window, that I find it difficult not to complain. In fact, I recognize that is exactly what I'm doing now...smh. I can turn this day around through prayer, study, and determination. Those I come in contact with today don't have to know just how bad I'm hurting and in the process I feel better along the way.

Psa 100:4 Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
:5 For the LORD is good; His mercy is everlasting, And His truth endures to all generations.

So here's the deal do I choose to be thankful and count my blessings and recognize God's active work in my life, or I am going to start this day counting my blessings. It's our choice what we do with this day, may we all choose to share God's love and joy with those we come in contact with and not pass along the blues and troubles that Satan wants to weigh us down with.

One of the things I'm most thankful for is my little brother and his family are headed to Mama's this week, and Lord willing that means Aunt Sam will get the chance to build memories that will last a lifetime for them and me. As a part of their visit, we'll be headed towards the beach. It's one of my absolute favorite places and I love watching the sun come up and go down. Our heavenly Father is the master painter and His artwork displays the richness of His love for us and the power He has to hold back the waves as the crash upon the shore line. I thought I'd share with you this morning how my little man used to hunt sea shells and how it's my prayer that God will take my life (a worn broken shell) and through the glory of His son make me a treasure that His son's love shines through.

We recently spent time at the beach. It's one of my favorite places to go. I love to feel the wind on my face, the salt spray in my hair, and the powerful sound of the waves as they come in and hit the shore. My favorite time of the year to go is late fall and winter when all you see are the "Snow birds", the sea gulls, and the locals. I love the beauty of God's artwork every morning and evening when He displays the sunrise and sunset, but my most favorite thing to do is walk holding hands with my sweetheart while little man runs in front of "trying" to stay dry. We've gotten in the habit of carrying something with us to store his "treasures" in. I'm always looking for that perfect shell. You know the one that's just the right size,shape and color. As I find what I think is a perfect shell, I'll show it to little man and he says, "Oh that's nice", and then runs back to where he was looking for his shells.
little man's idea of a perfect shell is totally different from mine. He loves to find the broken shells that time on the shore and the waves rolling in have made shiny with time and almost transparent. Those seem to be his favorite. The ones that time has broken into interesting shapes and that once you dust all the sand off of them and hold them up to the sun you can see the light through.
This got me to thinking about God's love for us. I'm so thankful that He looks for "shells" like little man does and not the way I do. I'm thankful that God picks us up seeing that we're broken and covered in sand worn by life's struggles, and He dusts us off, holds us up to the light of His son, and decides to keep us because to him even with all the broken pieces it's the light of His son shining through us that makes us beautiful and worth keeping. He's not looking for that perfect shell because He finds the real beauty in the shell that has been worn by time and experience and allows the light of His son to shine through it.