It's been a very long two months. It has felt as if we are having to fight battles on every side that we really shouldn't have to fight. The biggest battle has been with insurance companies and once again my White Knight is fighting for all he's worth. His armor has dings in it and yet he keeps fighting. He's been hit by friendly fire simply because he's the one delivering the message, but he keeps on fighting. I've watched days where I see him weary in ways I haven't seen since the beginning of this battle 16 years ago. You see this wonderful man is a Fix-It man and when he can't fix it then it becomes a huge battle for him.
We're looking at a procedure that if I'm in the 80% success rate would radically change our lives for the better. It would take the pain and interrupt it with electrical impulses. As it seems to be in everything, the insurance company has denied treatment and we are now working through the appeals process. To be honest at first I didn't even want to try this. We've been told so many times over the years that a particular treatment plan has a good success rate for chronic migraines like mine that to even hope becomes a little scary. This is where my sweetheart shines, he's there to listen, to hold me, and then to encourage. So we've now done everything we're suppose to do to prepare for the treatment.
Yesterday we checked off our final “have to” by talking to a psychologist who helps determine how you're dealing with the pain and if your coping skills are adequate. Part of the time was spent in the rehearsal of telling my story and how my pain works and how it affects our lives. I actually don't mind sharing the story anymore, but he has certain questions that he has to ask and that is the part I hate. He was very nice but he wanted to know if I ever get depressed. The answer to that one was “Yes sir I do. I miss out on family outings, church functions etc. and I'm home alone with just God, me, and the pain. I decided a long time ago that a finite hell here on earth is more doable than an infinite one, so I'm not going anywhere.” He then asked if I worry or have panic attacks because of fear of the headache. My answers was along the lines of...I know what my normal high level of pain is, so when the headache behaves like “normal” then I do deep breathing and visualization exercises and we get through it. When it's not normal and I get scared, I wake up my sweetheart and we breathe together until I get centered and the pain comes down enough to deal. I don't know why it always happens in the middle of the night or at church but it does. So that's how we handle it. He asked if it affects our home life...I'm thankful it was a phone consult. I rolled my eyes and went on to describe how we have named the house “The Bat Cave” and that what would have driven me nuts at the beginning of the headache I've learned not to sweat it. If the house isn't as clean as I'd like it to be or the clothes have piled up or the dishes haven't gotten done (all of these things require some type of repetitive noise that pushes the pain higher), then that's life and we worry about the most important things like relationships and loving each other. I told him we have learned to keep a supply of paper goods and plastic ware in the house because dishes aren't something that my sweetheart will do. He does do all the shopping and handles most of the errands and gets my little guy out of the house for some activity because Mama just can't always do it. I've learned to pick and choose what activities to do and when. I've learned that if on a good day I can do some small something outside the house then we're better off.
Anyway after 45 minutes on the phone, he tells me that I've really paid attention over the years and that my coping skills sound like their good and working and that I have a good support system in place. He then told me one of the things he was doing was finding out if I needed to be on something else to help with the depression or if I needed to learn some skills to help me move through the worst parts of the pain, and he felt like I was doing just fine, and he would get his report to the doctor who would be doing the procedure and we would hear from them once the insurance gives the go ahead. Finally he says now I need to collect my co-pay. At this point I handed the phone to my sweetheart because the headache plays with my vision and I can't see the numbers clearly on the card. It also gives the doctor a chance to hear my support system in action. I knew the doctor asked him how he was when my sweetheart said, “I'm hanging in there like a hair in a biscuit. It's been a long 16 years of watching her hurt and we really appreciate anything you can say that will help the insurance company see that we're ready for the procedure.”
I have to say I am very thankful to have this part finished. I'm ready to either hear a yes or no from the insurance company, so that we can learn what the cash cost of the trial procedure and implant would be. Then we can make long range plans. I know that whatever goes on God has this and we will get through this time of waiting just like we have so many other things. Ultimately we know God has this and we just have to do our part by keepin' on keepin' on.
I didn't quote any verses to the doctor while we talked, but he does know that my faith is what I cling to in this battle with pain. It's the unwavering faith that comes with the promises given over and over again. Philip. 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” James 5:16 “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”
It's these promises and so many others that get me through. Please pray with us as we hurry up and wait again. Pray that God will give us healing whether through this procedure or something else. Ask him to grant us contentment and peace in the waiting and ask that we glorify Him in all we say and do.
Thanks for listening and praying. Thanks for being there for our little family and for helping us to remember that we are a part of God's family and it is more numerous than we know and that faithful men and women pray for us daily. We feel those prayers. They are what God uses to see us through those long, dark hours of pain. May our Heavenly Father bless all us, and may we look to Him as we prepare and anxiously await His return.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
A Time of Doubt
Romans 12:9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality
Working hard tonight on v,12. The first part to be joyful in hope...I've got that part figured out for the long term, but the short term is more of a struggle. Who really wants to smile when pain seems to be the status of every single part of the day. I can find joy in the small things like a husband who does laundry (actually that's a big one), my young man who chose to hit the punching bag outside after school instead of in his room, and that supper was easy enough to put together w/o much effort.
The hardest part is being patient in affliction. I'm tired of waiting, tired of fighting a battle that feels never ending. I'm ready to have answers. I'm ready to find something that makes all of this just so much easier. It's been a long 16 years! Time spent in waiting rooms, time spent in the dark awake because the pain is ugly, time spent sitting at home instead of next to my guys as they worship the Father at church but I'm stuck at home because I hurt. I'm tired of the guilt and the questions that come with how chronic pain affects our whole family. I tired of some small part of me deep down inside wondering if maybe just maybe I'm not praying the right way...is my faith not really strong enough.
The faithful in prayer part...well I think I've got that covered. I know that God is carrying me through this journey. I know that it is His strength that gets me out of bed, sets up school assignments, and carries out some small tasks around the house. It's his strength that got us out of the house just to ride down the rode a little while with the radio on and the sun shining in on us. I know that the Son lights the way every day.
Yet the Deceiver, he's been busy too. He's the one who fills up that section deep down inside with guilt and doubt. He's the one who whispers, “It's been a rough pain day take it easy don't push, you'll make the next service.” He's the one who I allow to take my contentment for the day and bury it in frustration over what I can't do.
So am I losing this battle...maybe, will I lose the war... NO!!! I can do what I need to do. I can count my blessings. I can notice the beauty that the Father puts in front of me at every turn. I can know without a doubt that the war has already been won. Christ has done that already, it's in the knowing that it's not about being the best Mama in the world or that person who tries to smile even though everything seems to be falling apart. It means I finish the race to the best of my ability giving God the glory and honor no matter the difficulty.
It's knowing that hating the bad things in this world is okay, because Christ said so. It's knowing that I find the good things and I tie my knot there and cling to them. It means I love even those I don't feel much like loving because God loves me at my ugliest. It's in realizing that I have a spiritual family that encompasses more people than I realize. It's knowing there are precious people who are sent my sweetheart's way who listen to all he has to bear and then takes the time to pray for him, for me, and for the pain to leave us be. It's in the recognition that we are not alone not ever. It's knowing that as long as I take care of my little section of the world, all those doubts and frustrations they don't have to control just how I look at the world.
God created me and you to be his daughters. He made me a daughter of the ruler of the Most High King. He made me special so that there has never been anyone just like me before or after my time here. He has promised me a room in His house for all eternity...all I have to do is finish the race. He doesn't ask me to do it a top speed, sometimes it's a shuffle, a step, or sometimes it's all Him carrying me just because I am His and He is mine.
He may not ask me to give money or to open my filthy house to visitors, but He does ask me to open my heart and share just what I've learned from pain. It's opening my heart and taking a chance of being judged instead of loved. It means that I comfort those who may just be starting this difficult path, or maybe it's allowing someone to see the flaws in me, so that they can see the perfection of the Creator. Hospitality takes on new meaning when many days are spent inside a dark house. It means admitting to my tween-aged son that I really blew it. It means apologizing for curt replies to questions asked. It means encouraging even when I don't feel like encouraging. It's accepting that I have no control over some of the things in my life, and changing the ones I can. It's taking the time to remember that I don't always say what I think I said because that's just how the headache works. It's trying to remember to use a kind tone when asking for things to get done around the house. It may even be remembering what it was like to be the little kid who felt like she carried the world, and that my big boy may feel that way too.
It means I get still and let God have His way with me. It means finding ways to store up scripture and songs in a brain that has a hard time remembering just what this sentence was supposed to say. It's allowing the Holy Spirit to take my petitions to the Savior who will then take them to the Father. It's believing in the hope of today and tomorrow and eternity. It's taking life moment by moment and being thankful for the opportunity.
Father help me to keep my eyes on you, my heart open to those around me, and to give forgiveness even when it hasn't been asked for. Help me to be who you want me to be, help me not to be jealous and help me not to focus on the can'ts but the cans. Thank you for being with me in all things. In your son's name, Amen.
Working hard tonight on v,12. The first part to be joyful in hope...I've got that part figured out for the long term, but the short term is more of a struggle. Who really wants to smile when pain seems to be the status of every single part of the day. I can find joy in the small things like a husband who does laundry (actually that's a big one), my young man who chose to hit the punching bag outside after school instead of in his room, and that supper was easy enough to put together w/o much effort.
The hardest part is being patient in affliction. I'm tired of waiting, tired of fighting a battle that feels never ending. I'm ready to have answers. I'm ready to find something that makes all of this just so much easier. It's been a long 16 years! Time spent in waiting rooms, time spent in the dark awake because the pain is ugly, time spent sitting at home instead of next to my guys as they worship the Father at church but I'm stuck at home because I hurt. I'm tired of the guilt and the questions that come with how chronic pain affects our whole family. I tired of some small part of me deep down inside wondering if maybe just maybe I'm not praying the right way...is my faith not really strong enough.
The faithful in prayer part...well I think I've got that covered. I know that God is carrying me through this journey. I know that it is His strength that gets me out of bed, sets up school assignments, and carries out some small tasks around the house. It's his strength that got us out of the house just to ride down the rode a little while with the radio on and the sun shining in on us. I know that the Son lights the way every day.
Yet the Deceiver, he's been busy too. He's the one who fills up that section deep down inside with guilt and doubt. He's the one who whispers, “It's been a rough pain day take it easy don't push, you'll make the next service.” He's the one who I allow to take my contentment for the day and bury it in frustration over what I can't do.
So am I losing this battle...maybe, will I lose the war... NO!!! I can do what I need to do. I can count my blessings. I can notice the beauty that the Father puts in front of me at every turn. I can know without a doubt that the war has already been won. Christ has done that already, it's in the knowing that it's not about being the best Mama in the world or that person who tries to smile even though everything seems to be falling apart. It means I finish the race to the best of my ability giving God the glory and honor no matter the difficulty.
It's knowing that hating the bad things in this world is okay, because Christ said so. It's knowing that I find the good things and I tie my knot there and cling to them. It means I love even those I don't feel much like loving because God loves me at my ugliest. It's in realizing that I have a spiritual family that encompasses more people than I realize. It's knowing there are precious people who are sent my sweetheart's way who listen to all he has to bear and then takes the time to pray for him, for me, and for the pain to leave us be. It's in the recognition that we are not alone not ever. It's knowing that as long as I take care of my little section of the world, all those doubts and frustrations they don't have to control just how I look at the world.
God created me and you to be his daughters. He made me a daughter of the ruler of the Most High King. He made me special so that there has never been anyone just like me before or after my time here. He has promised me a room in His house for all eternity...all I have to do is finish the race. He doesn't ask me to do it a top speed, sometimes it's a shuffle, a step, or sometimes it's all Him carrying me just because I am His and He is mine.
He may not ask me to give money or to open my filthy house to visitors, but He does ask me to open my heart and share just what I've learned from pain. It's opening my heart and taking a chance of being judged instead of loved. It means that I comfort those who may just be starting this difficult path, or maybe it's allowing someone to see the flaws in me, so that they can see the perfection of the Creator. Hospitality takes on new meaning when many days are spent inside a dark house. It means admitting to my tween-aged son that I really blew it. It means apologizing for curt replies to questions asked. It means encouraging even when I don't feel like encouraging. It's accepting that I have no control over some of the things in my life, and changing the ones I can. It's taking the time to remember that I don't always say what I think I said because that's just how the headache works. It's trying to remember to use a kind tone when asking for things to get done around the house. It may even be remembering what it was like to be the little kid who felt like she carried the world, and that my big boy may feel that way too.
It means I get still and let God have His way with me. It means finding ways to store up scripture and songs in a brain that has a hard time remembering just what this sentence was supposed to say. It's allowing the Holy Spirit to take my petitions to the Savior who will then take them to the Father. It's believing in the hope of today and tomorrow and eternity. It's taking life moment by moment and being thankful for the opportunity.
Father help me to keep my eyes on you, my heart open to those around me, and to give forgiveness even when it hasn't been asked for. Help me to be who you want me to be, help me not to be jealous and help me not to focus on the can'ts but the cans. Thank you for being with me in all things. In your son's name, Amen.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
A Time of Song
Music has always been an important part of my life. I was blessed with a sweet Mama that sang to teach us from the beginning that Jesus loves me and that God expects a loving heart, prayer, kind words, and that He answers promises. I can honestly say my childhood was full of love and blessings. So many of my memories are wrapped in song...Grandma Dean and Uncle Steve both hummed the same song when we went for rides in the car, Grandma Lyles would rock and sing The Teddy Bear Picnic, and Daddy listening to the radio.
Today I heard a scripture, Zephaniah 3:16, and it was like hearing it for the first time:
“The LORD your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
It got me thinking of all the times I've rocked my little man and sung songs just for him. The closeness that comes from singing for someone you love is special. It brings joy to the heart of the singer and the hearer. He's a big boy now and I no longer sing him to sleep, but when we sing together or sing with the radio the words to songs take on a deeper meaning. There are songs that become prayers as they're being sung for him to grow in wisdom, love, and joy.
If I can feel that way about my baby, those who I'm worshiping with or just rockin' out to the radio with, then how much more is it for the Father to do that over His children. How incredibly special it is that God Almighty rejoices with us and quiets us with His love, and that He does it in song! How awesome it is that God in all His power takes the time to sing songs of rejoicing over us! We are special to Him and He expresses that love in song.
Can you see it in your minds eye, the Father caring so much that He sings songs of rejoicing just for you! When times are hard and we wonder why we must face the hard things of this world and we keep our eye on Him in the midst of the storm. He rejoices over us with singing. When we tie our knot and hang onto our faith when the Deceiver is trying to strip us of it, our Father sings for us. Songs that one day we will get to hear in person. Their is such joy that comes with the knowledge that not only does the Father know how many hairs are on my head, that He stores up my tears in a bottle, but He sings over me and you. His love poured out in song.
My prayer for us is that we can take that knowledge and rest in the knowledge of our Father's love, that we will follow His example and sing of our love for Him. May we rejoice in the bond we have with Him and with one another. May our hearts be so full that our songs flow back to Him.
Today I heard a scripture, Zephaniah 3:16, and it was like hearing it for the first time:
“The LORD your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
It got me thinking of all the times I've rocked my little man and sung songs just for him. The closeness that comes from singing for someone you love is special. It brings joy to the heart of the singer and the hearer. He's a big boy now and I no longer sing him to sleep, but when we sing together or sing with the radio the words to songs take on a deeper meaning. There are songs that become prayers as they're being sung for him to grow in wisdom, love, and joy.
If I can feel that way about my baby, those who I'm worshiping with or just rockin' out to the radio with, then how much more is it for the Father to do that over His children. How incredibly special it is that God Almighty rejoices with us and quiets us with His love, and that He does it in song! How awesome it is that God in all His power takes the time to sing songs of rejoicing over us! We are special to Him and He expresses that love in song.
Can you see it in your minds eye, the Father caring so much that He sings songs of rejoicing just for you! When times are hard and we wonder why we must face the hard things of this world and we keep our eye on Him in the midst of the storm. He rejoices over us with singing. When we tie our knot and hang onto our faith when the Deceiver is trying to strip us of it, our Father sings for us. Songs that one day we will get to hear in person. Their is such joy that comes with the knowledge that not only does the Father know how many hairs are on my head, that He stores up my tears in a bottle, but He sings over me and you. His love poured out in song.
My prayer for us is that we can take that knowledge and rest in the knowledge of our Father's love, that we will follow His example and sing of our love for Him. May we rejoice in the bond we have with Him and with one another. May our hearts be so full that our songs flow back to Him.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
The Hem of His Garment
Matt. 9:20 And suddenly, a woman who had a flow of blood for twelve years came from behind and touched the hem of His garment. 21 For she said to herself, “If only I may touch His garment, I shall be made well.” 22 But Jesus turned around, and when He saw her He said, “Be of good cheer, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And the woman was made well from that hour.
I've spent a lot of time in this passage that talks about the woman with an issue of blood and how she had spent all that she had to find a way to stop it. I identify with her because over the past 16 years as a family, both immediate and extended, we've spent lots of money searching for the cause of my headache. But finances are not what draw me to this passage over and over again. It's the faith of this women and her incredible courage. According to Jewish law and tradition, she had spent the last 12 years of her life unclean, that also meant that anything she came in contact with or anyone who touched her was unclean as well. Those people who chose to maintain contact with her knew that they would be unclean until evening after visiting with her. How incredibly alone she must have felt! Women in general were not to even look men in the eye when out in public let alone talk with them. Yet she had heard about the Master and decided to take the leap of faith and work her way through a crowd that was so thick around Jesus that his apostles wondered why He would ask who touched Him when she touched the hem of His garment.
She was willing to risk everything for the chance to be close to Jesus. How tired she must have been just moving about on a regular basis considering she had dealt with an issue of blood for 12 years. I can imagine that it took all the strength she had to be a part of that crowd and work her way to the Master. Her faith was so great that she didn't feel like she had to talk to Jesus. I imagine after spending 12 years in an unclean state she didn't even feel worthy enough for Him to lay eyes on her. Yet she knew that He had healed so many and the opportunity was one she could not pass up. In my mind's eye, I see her as the Savior turns to her and asks who touched Him. She probably wished the earth would open up and swallow her right then and there. Yet she was brave enough to admit that it had been her that touched Him. I can only imagine what joy she felt when the Savior told her that not only was she healed, but she was forgiven of her sins and she was made clean. For 12 years she spent her life living on the fringes of Jewish society because of the laws that dealt with having an issue of blood. Now she could reenter society. She would once again be clean and able to worship in the temple.( Imagine 12 years without the fellowship of the brethren.) The place where we draw our greatest source of strength, she had been denied for 12 years.
With just a few words, Jesus changed her whole life and made her clean. This is the freedom we read of in Hebrews, that the blood of Christ has cleansed us once and for all and so long as we strive to do His will His blood continues to cleanse us. We can do away with the self-doubt, the self recrimination, and the questioning of our faith. Jesus has allowed us to not only touch the hem of His garment, but to place our fingers in his nail scarred hands and the gash in his side. What a blessing to no longer worry if we have offered the right sacrifice in the right way, because He was the ultimate sacrifice.
We also can see from Matt 14: 35 (And when the men of that place recognized Him, they sent out into all that surrounding region, brought to Him all who were sick, 36 and begged Him that they might only touch the hem of His garment. And as many as touched it were made perfectly well.)and
Mark 6: 56 (Wherever He entered, into villages, cities, or the country, they laid the sick in the marketplaces, and begged Him that they might just touch the hem of His garment. And as many as touched Him were made well.) that she set an example that other's followed. In her courage and faith, she gave others another way to contact the healing powers of Christ. In the hardest of times, God promises us that He will use all the things in our life for good. How encouraging that thought is!
So I can rest in a safe assurance of knowing that my headache is not something I suffer because of a lack of faith, a sin I've commited that is unforgiveable(there is no such sin) but that it is a part of the human condition and the fact that because of sin pain and suffering are a part of this world. I can know that as long as I hang onto the Father, He'll not let me fall and that He will find away to make all this world's pain work together for good. When we" touch" the hem of His garment, we won't receive a miraculous healing like the women with the issue of blood, but we can know we will spend an eternity with Him where there is no pain, tears, or loss.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
What's It Feel Like
It's been a very long time since I've written specifically about what it's like to live with this ugly old headache. I don't want this to be a "whining post" or an "old poor me type post"; however I do believe that to really know me now, you must know what is going on in my head. So here we go, I'll do my best to put into words what the headache feels like.
To begin with since the pain is constant, there is always some type of background noise in my head. Many times it's just the constant throbbing of the pain (those are the good days). Other times, it feels and sounds like a stake being pounded from the back of my head to the front. With that comes the light and noise sensitivity, most days normal inside lighting feels like the bright sunshine in the middle of the day. If we go outside or places with brighter lighting it's like having all the lights in the football stadium on and shining directly into my eyes. I have some people who have not seen my eyes and on the off chance they see me without sunglasses some of them don't even recognize. There are times that even in the dark the headache itself has a light show that goes on even when my eyes are closed. It's painful and draining simply to deal with just that part. Then you add to that the noise sensitivity. Repetitive noises, squeals, and high pitched sounds are the hardest, but there are also times when just the sounds of a room full of people talking feels like it's being put through a megaphone. Sometimes out of nowhere even small sounds can feel like they come through an air horn.
I know that I am guilty of snapping at people during times when I'm dealing with both sets the noise and the light. It's a knee jerk reaction like yelling “Ouch” when someone steps on your toes. Over the years, my sweetheart has been the one to sit and watch me cry after pushing to be out and about. He is forever my protector and will work to prevent this amount of extra pain when he can. There have been many times when I'm sure people have found us to be very rude, because in stereo we will express displeasure if the noises is one that isn't necessary.
.
For this reason, it has to be a good day for us to choose to eat out. If the restaurant is one that is full or one that noises bounce off the walls, it becomes even harder. When I was teaching school the lunchroom was the hardest place to be, now it's usually the fellowship hall at church. I want to be a part of family gatherings, church dinners, and conversation before and after church. I will push to the point of needing to make a trip to the ER(which doesn't work for me and is a complete waste of time, but that's how ugly the pain is). There are times when the pain in my head is soo loud I feel like I have to yell over it. There have been times when I wanted to stand in a chair and yell “Shut up” from the top of my lungs. I've learned how not to do just that, but I may leave quickly after services or in the middle of a meal. It doesn't mean that I don't want to be a part of things or that I want to stop all the wonderful visiting and fellowship, so I leave. If my sweetheart sees me leave, he follows relatively quickly and we take home a very disappointed little boy.
I'm not saying all of this to hinder those I love from making a joyful noise when they are together. I just want you to know that I'm not mad or don't want to spend time with you, it's just that I've reached my capacity for handling it all.
As always, it is my prayer that my words are kind and my disposition sweet, but on those days when I fail I ask that you take the above into consideration and forgive me. Many thanks to all. Please keep us in your prayers. There are many times when our plans have to change at the last minute and I'm home alone. It is during these times when the devil tries to work on my faithfulness. Your prayers are coveted. Thanks for reading.
To begin with since the pain is constant, there is always some type of background noise in my head. Many times it's just the constant throbbing of the pain (those are the good days). Other times, it feels and sounds like a stake being pounded from the back of my head to the front. With that comes the light and noise sensitivity, most days normal inside lighting feels like the bright sunshine in the middle of the day. If we go outside or places with brighter lighting it's like having all the lights in the football stadium on and shining directly into my eyes. I have some people who have not seen my eyes and on the off chance they see me without sunglasses some of them don't even recognize. There are times that even in the dark the headache itself has a light show that goes on even when my eyes are closed. It's painful and draining simply to deal with just that part. Then you add to that the noise sensitivity. Repetitive noises, squeals, and high pitched sounds are the hardest, but there are also times when just the sounds of a room full of people talking feels like it's being put through a megaphone. Sometimes out of nowhere even small sounds can feel like they come through an air horn.
I know that I am guilty of snapping at people during times when I'm dealing with both sets the noise and the light. It's a knee jerk reaction like yelling “Ouch” when someone steps on your toes. Over the years, my sweetheart has been the one to sit and watch me cry after pushing to be out and about. He is forever my protector and will work to prevent this amount of extra pain when he can. There have been many times when I'm sure people have found us to be very rude, because in stereo we will express displeasure if the noises is one that isn't necessary.
.
For this reason, it has to be a good day for us to choose to eat out. If the restaurant is one that is full or one that noises bounce off the walls, it becomes even harder. When I was teaching school the lunchroom was the hardest place to be, now it's usually the fellowship hall at church. I want to be a part of family gatherings, church dinners, and conversation before and after church. I will push to the point of needing to make a trip to the ER(which doesn't work for me and is a complete waste of time, but that's how ugly the pain is). There are times when the pain in my head is soo loud I feel like I have to yell over it. There have been times when I wanted to stand in a chair and yell “Shut up” from the top of my lungs. I've learned how not to do just that, but I may leave quickly after services or in the middle of a meal. It doesn't mean that I don't want to be a part of things or that I want to stop all the wonderful visiting and fellowship, so I leave. If my sweetheart sees me leave, he follows relatively quickly and we take home a very disappointed little boy.
I'm not saying all of this to hinder those I love from making a joyful noise when they are together. I just want you to know that I'm not mad or don't want to spend time with you, it's just that I've reached my capacity for handling it all.
As always, it is my prayer that my words are kind and my disposition sweet, but on those days when I fail I ask that you take the above into consideration and forgive me. Many thanks to all. Please keep us in your prayers. There are many times when our plans have to change at the last minute and I'm home alone. It is during these times when the devil tries to work on my faithfulness. Your prayers are coveted. Thanks for reading.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Please Heal Me
I wrote this song about 2 months ago. It was one of those rare moments when it all just seemed to flow. It's still a little rough and there are few little things I am waiting to change, but it also feels like its time to share it. I've tried to add a link for the melody, but I haven't had any luck getting my program to work. I'm ready to share the lyrics and we'll pray I can come back later with a link to how I hear it in my head. The fight with the headache and sin in general are ever present. Hoping this helps someone else as much as it's helped me. P.S. Remember, I'm sharing the depths of my heart with you. May God bless all of us with healing.
Please, Heal Me by Samantha Moore
Father, hear my plea
I'm tired and I long for thee.
This life is hard,
It's full of pain
But I have faith, you'll come again.
Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.
The days move on, the nights are long.
My heart is full of hurt again.
Please Lord, listen to me.
Dry my tears and let me sing.
Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.
My Sins are many,
Your love is great.
I want to walk with you each day.
I long for you, the rest you bring.
Precious Lord, forgive me.
Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.
I'll Shout your praises,
Sweet, Sweet Savior
Even when this soul feels torn.
You've made me your 's
Savior hear my song.
Make my your will my own.
Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.
Oh, help me, Lord,
To keep my eyes on you.
Please let me in this crowded world,
To just hold onto the hem of your robe.
For I know you are my way home.
Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.
Please, Heal Me by Samantha Moore
Father, hear my plea
I'm tired and I long for thee.
This life is hard,
It's full of pain
But I have faith, you'll come again.
Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.
The days move on, the nights are long.
My heart is full of hurt again.
Please Lord, listen to me.
Dry my tears and let me sing.
Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.
My Sins are many,
Your love is great.
I want to walk with you each day.
I long for you, the rest you bring.
Precious Lord, forgive me.
Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.
I'll Shout your praises,
Sweet, Sweet Savior
Even when this soul feels torn.
You've made me your 's
Savior hear my song.
Make my your will my own.
Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.
Oh, help me, Lord,
To keep my eyes on you.
Please let me in this crowded world,
To just hold onto the hem of your robe.
For I know you are my way home.
Chorus:
I have faith.
You are strong.
Heal this heart,
Make me whole.
Just let me touch the hem of your robe, Lord.
Please heal me.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Time for Some Fun
I find that too often I take myself way too seriously. I hate having my picture made, and I definitely don't enjoy drawing attention to myself. The headache literaly had kept me in the house for a month. When I finally started feeling better, we made a trip to our favorite classroom...the park. We had it all to ourselves and little man ran circles around me while I called out spelling words. During a play break, he picked up my camera and shot the video I hope will show up below.
My sweet boy loves to make me laugh and he succeeded. Listen close and you can hear just how much the headache affects our lives when he gives out the scientific name of the habitat for the elusive Mateacher Foot. Originally I said no way to letting anyone outside the immediate family see the footage. Then I remembered to take a deep breath and enjoy making a memory. I want him to look back on his childhood and remember so much more than my daily fight with pain. I want to encourage the carefree fun and creativity of moments like this one. It was a good day in April, and we have had a good afternoon getting it uploaded and edited. Hope you enjoy the fun as much as we did. Solomon tells us in Proverbs that a merry heart is better than medicine. It has been good for both us to sit and laugh together for him to have a chance to share a goofy experience with this old Mama.
May God help us to find the fun moments in each, encourage our children to be silly and creative, and may we shine His love to them and for them in our actions.
My sweet boy loves to make me laugh and he succeeded. Listen close and you can hear just how much the headache affects our lives when he gives out the scientific name of the habitat for the elusive Mateacher Foot. Originally I said no way to letting anyone outside the immediate family see the footage. Then I remembered to take a deep breath and enjoy making a memory. I want him to look back on his childhood and remember so much more than my daily fight with pain. I want to encourage the carefree fun and creativity of moments like this one. It was a good day in April, and we have had a good afternoon getting it uploaded and edited. Hope you enjoy the fun as much as we did. Solomon tells us in Proverbs that a merry heart is better than medicine. It has been good for both us to sit and laugh together for him to have a chance to share a goofy experience with this old Mama.
May God help us to find the fun moments in each, encourage our children to be silly and creative, and may we shine His love to them and for them in our actions.
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