A time of soul searching.

I must admit that I have not been the easiest person to live with for the last 2 months (and those who knew before the headache might even agree for the last 11 years). I've been frustrated, hurt, at times lonely, and there is always my constant companion pain. My sweet family has listened to me spend time trying to figure out just what I need to do so I can be happier with myself and those around me. I have spent much time in prayer and have worked at remembering that if the devil already has you, he doesn't keep coming back for you.
So, all of that said...I've decided to pray that God will help me not to judge those who judge me. This is a tough one for me,I do care what others think of me and I do want to have people in my home. I'm a strong believer in that if you want to be a soul winner you have to be willing to expose your own soul. Yet with the way the headache works, there are days when it takes everything I have to convince myself to get out of bed and do school. One most days, if you come to see me, you'll see laundry on the laundry couch(BTW those clothes are clean), dirty socks scattered about the floor,a pile of dishes in the kitchen sink, and very often a pile of laundry waist deep in front of the washing machine. I would hate to see just how that pile would be if there were more than just 3 of us. We happen to be a family that organizes by stacks (that could be clothes, mail, and school) and as long as we don't move each others stack we can find what we need quickly :). I have to say that I DO NOT want this to be the way I keep my home. But, all those clothes and dishes will still be there (and when we get desperate they do get cleaned up)but the precious time God has given me with Samuel being "little" will be short lived and I would much rather devote my "feel good" time to him. It is an effort some days to talk (I know this is hard to believe because I can definitely rattle on forever) and to even be nice. I ask myself is what I'm getting frustrated over something that needs correction or is it JUST the headache making me feel like it's a big deal. So, anyway, if you come to see me (and I hope that you will)... don't expect an emasculate house where everything has a place and everything is in it's place, but come and see me and not the clutter, allow me to go to the kitchen and get you a drink (I promise I do have clean glasses and when I don't we have plastic) but please don't follow me to the kitchen sink. Once upon a time a was a very good housekeeper, but bending over to pick up clothes and toys and the clanking of dishes in the sink don't miss well with the headache.
So, I'm praying for contentment for where I am in all those things. I'm praying that I will accept that my house, my life, and my body size will not keep me from the plan Christ has for me even when I'm not happy with me. I'm praying that the blessings that come with the headache will be more evident and I'm praying that the Father will renew a right spirit within in.
What joy we have to look forward to! Don't you know that our home in heaven will be self cleaning, pain free, and filled with those we love who have gone before. How blessed we are to know that we have so much to look forward to. May God grant you happiness and peace during the holiday season and for those of you who are grieving and missing sweet faces at your table may God bring you comfort.