Sticks and Stones

You know the old saying "Sticks and Stones may break my bones,BUT words will never hurt me". It's a saying that as we get older we realize that though the first part is true,the second half of that statement is as false as false can be. It's something we've worked very hard to teach our little man...O be careful little mouth what you say, for the Father up above is looking down with love so be careful little mouth what you say. By no means is this a lesson we have finished teaching him (or ourselves for that matter) but he does have a tender heart and for the most part tries not to hurt the feelings of others. But I'm rambling,I felt the need to write this morning because I now know that when someone says something ugly to your child it hurts them but it also hurts you.

Last night someone hurt my baby's feelings,calling him names. My sweet boy has the beautiful Asian eyes and hair of his birth mother. The very first time I saw him, I looked into his sweet brown eyes and fell hopelessly in love. A night that had been full of fun and music, with a few cruel words changed all that fun to sadness. I know that part of growing up is successfully learning how to deal with the ugliness of this world while still being apart of the good that God intends for us to share. But I have to say, we all sat and cried last night. Words do hurt!! I must be aware that the things I say and the attitudes I have teach my son! I must make sure that I make a clear difference in not liking the actions of people and NOT disliking the person. Children notice differences in one another, but attitudes are taught. This applies across the board whether it's size,shape,color, finical status, or those with special abilities. What I say..or don't say teaches my son how I view the world. I can teach that attitudes are wrong, yet love the person who had them. Christ showed his love for the Samaritan woman, the rich young ruler, the tax collector, and the lepers etc. of his day. He taught strongly against sin, but loved the sinner. I have to make sure that this is what I teach my sweet boy. (I don't succeed at it always,in fact, I told him anyone who calls him names is stupid. I should have said the words are stupid and uncaring. Words hurt!...and I now know words said to our children hurt mommies just as much as they hurt our little ones)

So...Be careful little mouth what you say,, for the Father up above is looking down with love,so be careful little mouth what you say!!

Just thinking

I have way to much time to spend inside my head,and for those closest to me that can be something that is a little scary. With the time spent at home because to often getting out with my boys as often as I want would cause more pain issues down the road. So, I sit at home and do the the unthinkable and think. The last 2 months have been rough ones,but especially the last 3 weeks. What a blessing it is to have friends, magazine articles, songs, and most importantly God's word that God uses at just the right time to help me get over the "yuck" the devil provides with the why and dealing with pain. Truly we serve an awesome God!

The waiting gets old in a hurry! Waiting for results from tests, waiting for times when the pain will ease off and give me enough of a break to be able to feel some what normal, and the waiting for my boys to get home so that I'm not alone with just the thoughts in my head.

I feel like this is a whining session, and I do hate to do that. But I did say up front that this would be a therapeutic tool for me too. So if you're looking for a Pollyanna attitude this morning, stop reading now and know I understand and love ya anyway.

One of the things I've come to terms with lately (or I'm trying to come to terms with) is that I'm not in control. Let me say that again,I'M NOT IN CONTROL! God is! I've spent so much time in prayer and know that friends and family spend time in prayer for me, yet the headache is still an unwelcome member of our family. There have been those over the last 11 years who have believed and alluded to that this is just all in my head (and it is but not the way they think). There have been those who have believed that it is my way of seeking attention (and it's not). But getting back to my not being in control, I've had/have to accept that though I believe that God is all powerful, all knowing, and all loving... it doesn't change the fact that there is pain and suffering and death in this old world. The hard part is not placing the blame for those things at the feet of God while knowing that if He chose to He could change it. I must admit to placing the blame in the wrong place at times, and while in the midst of prayer confessing that I believe that God take this headache now and knowing in full faith that it is within His power to do so...want to know the why for what we've gone through. I know that all pain and suffering are works of the devil and brought into this world by sin. It may or may not be my own sin that causes the pain and loss experienced over the years, but sin is it's root cause. It is not the cause of my Heavenly Father but of the devil who walks to and fro on this earth like a roaring lion seeking those whom he may devour. I must realize that it is not a lack of faith (and yes, there are times when I'm not on track or I allow myself to doubt my own faith) but it could very well be the strength of my faith that brings the troubles and trials into my life.

If the devil has me, then he wouldn't need to work so hard to get me. Now that sounds vain and puffed up, but I promise there is no vanity there. It is a battle, a war that it fought sometimes from moment to moment. I've come to notice over the years that my highest pain days tend to be Sunday and Wednesday, or when I soo want to get out and do something "good". I know we can't say the devil made me do it, and that with every temptation we are provided a way of escape. Well sometimes that escape is harder to find than others! I have three days out of a week that I'm "allowed" something to take for the pain on top of my preventatives. I pick Sunday and Wednesday as two of those days. Do I always when the battle with the increase in pain, no but I'm striving to win the war. Pray with me that I win the war. At the onset of the headache, I had a doctor who would give me pain meds for every day of the week. Withdrawal is as close to hell as I ever want to come, it's an awful experience. If hell is even close to that (and I know it will be worse), I have only a desire for heaven!

Well, I've definitely spent more than my allotted time on the computer today, and more than enough time bending your ears. One of the things I meant to emphasize when I sat down here this morning is how God sends us help through the waiting if we will only keep our eyes and ears open. This week He sent me my mama and daddy, Christian Women magazine loaded full of articles dealing with waiting,pain,and comfort. He also has sent me sweet FB friends with posts of encouragement, laughter, and love. He's given me my two boys, who strengthen me and allow me to feel needed when at times I feel very isolated. He's also sent me some time with a friend spent in the sunshine. So beyond a doubt, I can say what the Psalmists and many writers of the Old Testament said, God is good, His love endures forever!

Gotcha Day Celebrated

Seven years ago today, I woke up with butterflies in my stomach and joy in my heart! Today is the anniversary of the day my little man became legally a part of our forever family. We both took off the whole day from work and tried to sleep in, but the excitement was just too great! Today was the day, that little bit of anxiety, that little bit of fear would be lifted from our shoulders and our little man would be ours.

I can't explain why there was still the fear and anxiety that took up a small portion of my heart, but it did. And today the lawyers, judge, and state would finally have their final say so...and my boy would be mine. The joy in that and the relief is one of those "major" blessings that come in life. (I so don't want to take a way from the sacrifice his birth mother made for us, because she's a part of our forever family too. But back then, our love for her was/is without measure but we didn't know her like we do now.) Today was one of those days when not only the sunshine was shining in our lives but the Son was shining in our lives! His love and care for us were felt that day just as warm as the hot Alabama sun!

We had both sets of grandparents traveling to be with us and our quick lunch was eaten (and of course spilled on the dress I planned to wear, for those who know my family this was not a surprise it seems to be a genetic occurrence). So what I planned to wear, was quickly changed and cars were loaded and we made the trip to the lawyers office. We met one of those precious people there that helped us get from wanting to adopt to this special day, and were walked through what would happen when we were in the court room.

The joy and laughter that we shared with our social workers and parents in the waiting room is a precious memory. My little guy had just begun to pull up and cruise the furniture. He totally enjoyed being the center of attention (one of the things that hasn't changed over the years) and crawled, cruised from person to person. The love and blessings of those moments are beyond words.

It wasn't long and we were called into the courtroom and my sweetheart and I sat up front with the lawyer, and I have to admit I was so nervous that there are parts of the precedings I don't remember. I do remember being so nervous that when the judge asked me my address that it took me a few moments to remember it. And I definitely remember him asking me, "Do you promise to take this child as your own, to love and care for him, and provide for him?" The "I do" I answered with was the same "I do" I answered with on my wedding day. An "I do" so filled with joy that tears streamed down my face. I have to admit that the next thing I remember was the judge banging the gavel and making him ours forever.

Pictures with all those very special people were taken and hugs and kisses to grandmas and grandpas given. My little man had never had any real sweets before that day, he tasted his first taste of ice cream as he sat in my daddy's lap. Ice cream is how our family celebrates big and small things. Needless to say, he totally enjoyed that first taste of ice cream and we enjoyed watching him eat it.

Tonight we'll have ice cream, and if my little man has his way it'll be DQ. We also make a habit of getting a family game. He's chosen one this year that we'll have to order. But he's been able to talk mama and daddy into the Toy Story soldier Lego's. (I'm a big Toy Story fan,but that's a story for another day.) Love to all.

I've worked hard at keeping names out of my post because I don't want to intrude on the privacy of our birth mother, but please take time to check out Agape. The work the do is a precious one, and one that is a blessing to all the lives it touches. Our social workers are a part of our forever family too. Both here and Lord willing, the eternal one to come!

A Time of Joy and Anxiety

This time of year always takes me back to September of 2002. It was a time spent bouncing between being full of joy and then filled with anxiety. We were in the time of knowing that we might have a baby coming into our home or our wait could be longer. One of the happiest moments of my life was just a "normal" Tuesday evening in the midst of grading papers, going through the mail, and actually watching some TV with my sweetheart (every other night of our week was filled with church, dojo time, or music). The phone rang and my sweetheart answered the phone. The way he began talking I knew this was no ordinary phone call. I remember sitting in the floor barely able to contain myself and when he said our social workers name, if you could pop with a hundred and one emotions going on, I would have popped that evening. After talking for a while (I'm sure it felt longer than it was), my sweetheart handed me the phone. Some of the most precious words I've ever heard were spoken. "How would you like to meet your birthmother and how do you feel about having a little boy?" The excitement contained in those few words are indescribable.

We made plans to meet her withher social worker and ours. Everyone involved is now in our hearts a part of our forever family. Only a few people knew where we were headed that day. After losing my sister, we couldn't bear the thought of mama and daddy having to deal with the grief that might come with the birthmother changing her mind. The meeting was a precious gift and a dinner with her and her mother another sweet set of memories to share with my little man.

The end of September and the beginning of October were an emotional roller coaster ride. I spent my extra time finishing the painting and decorating the nursery; not to mention writing lesson plans and getting things ready for a sub. Our little man came about 3 weeks early. His birthmother was dealing with a kidney infection along with his tossing and turning. Love her heart, getting here early was a good thing... he weighed just over 7 lbs and was 21 inches long. His little back was still covered with little black hair, and that's how he became our Pooh Bear!

We were blessed by his birthmother's decison to allow us to be there the day he was born. The portayal in movies of anxious father's pacing the waiting room is now a very real picture for us. We were able to see him 45 minutes after delivery. He was so bright eyed and alert. The nurses were still in the process of doing their job, so we were just able to look and talk to him. God's gift to me was as the nurse asked me to move from one side of his crib to the other, he followed me with his eyes. That gift made the waiting so much easier. He was born on a Tuesday and we brought him home on a Friday. We didn't get to see him in between times because his birthmother wanted that time for herself. I'm so glad she did. He never has to wonder why he was put up for adoption and why didn't she want me. He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was wanted and loved by so many people. He knows that he was loved so much that his birthmother wanted him to have a home she was unable to provide at the time. And he knows that mama and daddy had been praying for him since the beginning. He knows that he was chosen and loved by soo many.

This memory always comes back in full strength every Mother's Day. These first steps to getting to celebrate that day are precious to me. It's also a special time because Mother's Day and Gotcha Day fall so closely together. May 13 is our Gotcha Day. The day the law made my little man officially a part of our forever family, and Lord willing my head will feel well enough to share that story on that special day. Lot's of love to all and prayers for God richest blessings on all those who play a special part in the lives of children everywhere.