The Headache and My Tongue

I’ve been wanting to share some more of my headache journey because we’ve really had to struggle with it again as a family. I’ve been waiting to do it because I’ve been hoping that time would offer a better perspective and I think it has some. The hard part is where to start because “WOW”!! is really all that comes to mind when I begin looking at the gradual changes.

If you know me well, then you know we did a major med change in April because the pain was just getting to be unbearable. I wasn’t able to get out much and I was on some pretty powerful meds and it just didn’t seem to be worth it. We were back to a point where we were looking at quality of life versus possible side effects etc. We’d made the decision it was time to take a step back in time and try a med that had made life much better for me and even allowed us to adopt our precious boy. We just knew we’d have to watch for calcium levels etc.

Long story short the doctor agreed with us and also asked us to try a sister drug to Topamax. I’ve talked about what we went through with it before, so we were hesitant but the doctor assured us that this was like Topamax lite and it had fewer behavioral and cognitive side effects. So fast forward to mid October and I start feeling grouchy and I’m fussing about little things, crying at the drop of a hat, or just plain feeling angry out of nowhere. Now every Mama knows that sometimes we just have bad days or weeks, and kids know which buttons to push so I tried to just shake some of it off. I mean I am 41 so YAY!! Hormones, right?!!

Well, by the beginning of November, it wasn’t just the emotions I was fighting a barrage of ugly thoughts and ugly words over every little thing. This has not ever really been one of those areas that I’ve had to struggle with, but boy was I struggling with it now. If any little thing irritated me, I had a string of ugly words pop up in my head. At this point, I knew it wasn’t entirely me and that the meds had lowered my filter for my mouth. If I thought it, then I had to work extra hard to make sure it didn’t pop out. I was working so hard on just keeping the foul language from popping out that who knows how many times I was more blunt than I should have been, or responded in a more coarse manner than I ever had before.

I was getting so frustrated with myself, not to mention the yuck my boys were dealing with at home. (By the way, I found out I had been grouchy for a lot longer than just since October.) We knew to be on guard for changes in behavior. The question was “Was my ability to get out and go places worth the irritation and frustration we were dealing with?” For a while the answer was yes, then all of a sudden it was a big NO. I began to feel like I was losing my fight with the devil and that he gaining ground with each day. I thank God for special friends who put up with you during times like this and will honestly tell you when its definitely time to seek help. What a relief it was to hear it from someone else! My boys love me so much and they love having me get out and go places with them, so they were willing to deal with more…

So I called the doctor, he worked me in the next morning, and he changed my meds around. Its been almost a month and we’re seeing improvement. The ugly words aren’t always at the front and my ability to control what I say is getting better. It’s not great yet and I definitely am not back to my normal, but we’re making progress. I’m not as grouchy, the stuff that slips through the filter isn’t filled with anger but could be phrased better.

The most important lesson I’ve learned is what ever we put in just may come back out and we may have no control over when it does.
Jam 3:5-10 Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so.

We must be sure that if we only want good things to come out then must only put good things in. I’ve also learned to be more patient and forgiving when someone slips up and says something they didn’t intend to say. We need to give each other the benefit of the doubt. It doesn’t mean we excuse wrong, but it means we are loving and patient, instead of keeping a score card of how many times someone did or said something we didn’t like. Let’s get busy working on ourselves and what we can change within.

Phl 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if [there is] any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things.

Father, help me to chose the books I read, the TV shows I watch, and the movies I go to see wisely; so that I do not put into my mind and heart things that do not please you. Help me to study your word daily, to take the time to notice the good, and to work on pleasing you. Help me to set the example I should before my family and friends, and help me to glorify you in all I say and do. In Jesus’ name,