A Few of My Favorite Things

  • God and all that goes with Him
  • Time Spent With Family
  • Bedtime Prayers
  • Family/Group Hugs
  • The Beach
  • Good Friends
  • Good Music
  • Laughter

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

A Time of Being Broken

This is one of those articles I'm not really sure I want to start or how to start, but here we go. If you know me at all, then you know I spend my time riding this crazy roller coaster called my life. I have days where pain seems to be the only thing I can see. Sometimes that's OK because I can see the blessings it has brought into my life, how it has shaped the person I am today, and even how I react to children who are dealing with sensory overload. I guess it's true that you have to walk in someone’s shoes to really get their personal journey.

So, I deal with the pain and so does my family and those who love me. I could spend a lot of time talking about just how we sit down at the beginning of a month and plan just how we want to use the meds so I can be an active part in family activities. It's not to cause drama or pity or attention, it's simply living my life. With all of that comes this great burden of guilt because I keep us from the fun, I've missed so many firsts just because they happened as they are supposed to naturally and out of the blue. The guilt is almost as hard to deal with as the pain. Then there's the anger that comes with dealing with it all, and the questions of why should I deal with this.

There are times when it's not entirely my fault and I feel like it's fair that my family has to share in the struggle. I know that sounds ugly but it's true. Maybe the day could have gone smoother if only...and you fill in the blanks. I push to do because I want to please those who live with this every day battle of pain with me. I'm willing to do more, and it maybe that it's just another few minutes, or delaying taking meds so I can drive. It's all OK, yet it's not.

It's at times like this the devil whispers sweet promises of not caring how what I say or do, or don't say or don't do isn't important. He whispers, “Just take the path of least resistance.” Do what makes those around you happy and do what you need to do to make them happy. Sometimes there really is nothing wrong with listening to those whispers, except that it makes listening and doing so much easier the next time.

So I feel broken, not just health wise, it really is such a small part of it. Broken in those small corners of the heart that only God and the devil sees. When I feel like Humpty Dumpty and no matter what happens can all the pieces really be put back together again. Am I so broken that the God I believe is all powerful and capable of all things and love beyond understanding can't put me back together because I've allowed the whispers of the devil to be what I listen to? The answer to that question is “NO”. God's spirit resides in that broken heart and continues to hear my pleas and carry them to the throne of grace. Yet, I'm still broken. The parts that where fixed yesterday, have need of being fixed again today. The grief that comes with the what ifs and why nots, chip away at the heart I put in the keeping of the King when I paddled out to Daddy and he baptized me when I was 9.

Here is the answer, above all else, who holds my heart? Who can break it and put it back together again even better than it was before? The King of all Kings, the Alpha and the Omega, the great I AM is the keeper of my heart. Sometimes, He has to break it so it can be His again, and sometimes he softens it with humility and gentleness found in conversation with precious ones who are righteous and fighting their own battles, but willing to share in my fight and me in theirs.

James 5: 13-16 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

How thankful I am that we have promises like the one above! It lets me know what to do when all is right in my world, and it lets me know what to do when it feels as if I'm so broken I can't be put back together. The promise is there will be comfort. The comfort that comes with sharing just how broken you feel with someone you know won't judge you, and to learn that you aren't alone. This battle of life we fight was never meant to be fought alone. God tells us exactly how to win the battles. To confess (share) your brokenness with others. Be willing to drop the barriers and let them see what you feel is the ugliness of all that brokenness, and pray. PRAY!! Pray for each other and you will see the great power of God as it is working. I am not alone!! You are not alone!! We are together in prayer and as we go there and reach out our Father draws ever nearer to me and you.

Does this mean that there are days, moments, weeks when I don't feel broken? NO! Because I am still fighting and as long as I'm trying and working to live for the true keeper of my heart, He will always be there for me. You see, God doesn't move...I do. If I choose to listen only to the devil's whispers then I move myself further from the Father. But if I am humble and persistent and I don't give up, then my Father carries me close to His breast, and that heart that feels so broken is being mended and made perfect with each and every trial.

James 4:7-10 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

Here I am standing at the end of another year feeling more broken than I ever have in so many areas of my life, yet I get to choose to submit myself to the will of the Father. As long as I keep resisting those whispers of giving in and giving up, I have the promise that all these tears I cry feeling like my world has fallen apart will be what purifies my heart and this broken spirit will be lifted up and exalted by the Father who is the true keeper of my heart. If I let Him keep my heart and I work to please him, then He will draw near to me and all those things the devil uses will flee. I can't get there by myself, but God has promised me and you that when we share those things we don't want the world to see with one another, and we pray together then we will see His power working through our prayers.

Dear Father, thank you for giving us your word with all its promises. Thank you for sending us righteous women and men who we can confess our sins to and in so doing magnify the power of prayer by adding more voices petitioning your throne. Be with us as we begin a new year and help us to please you in all we say and do. Help us to draw closer to you every day, and to resist the empty promises of the devil. Help me to let you be the true keeper of my heart and to put all my faith in you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

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