Happy Valentine's Day

WoW, It has been forever since I've updated this blog! The headache level has been high and now most of my creative energy goes toward trying to find ways to make learning fun for my little man. All that said, it's not the reason for this blog today :)
Happy Valentine's Day!
How blessed I am to live with two very special "boys", OK Rich isn't a boy but an awesome man and husband. He has always been and Lord willing will always be my white knight in shining armer. He's a fixer, if there's a problem...a dragon to slay,he gets out there and does it. He has taken the time to educate himself in how to use acupunture and accupressure to help my headaches, and he keeps me out of the ER with his skill. I know that he's weary of fighting this particular dragon just as much as I am of being in it's clutches. Yet he continues to fight and stay in the den of the beast with me and for that I'm so thankful and so blessed. Not many men stay,to fight this fight. I know this from group therapy sessions in the headache clinic where out of 30 women only two of us still were with the same mate we began the fight of the headache with. So, Happy Valentines,RERE!! You are the other half of my soul, I love how you make me feel beautiful even when my hair is a mess,I'm still in my pj's, and I'm wearing that unseen flashing sign that says "DON"T TOUCH, TOO MUCH PAIN". You sweet man are my rock and yet I love how you allow me to see how deeply you love me and our beautiful son.
Nine years ago today, I gave my little man his first valentine. It was one of those toys that crinckled, and rattled and had arms and legs. It went straight into his mouth (it still seems that almost everything still goes straight into his mouth :)). But he took that toy and immediately began chewing on it and wrestling with it as he played on his pallet on the floor, and I...well I fell even more in love with him and didn't know a mama's heart could be so full, yet over the years that love has grown stronger and stronger. As a little man of 8,he has a heart that is filled with compassion, a love for our heavenly Father, and such joy that it overflows onto and into those who meet him. He is my heart! He taught me that I can continue to share my heart with others and that he can share his heart with others and there is still plenty of love left to share. How blessed we have been with this little man. I also love the fact that he can sometimes be a walking, talking reflection of his daddy. He desires perfection, he wants to help those who need help, and yes he is a stubborn as the day is long,but that is a trait that will serve him well as he grows. He'll say something and the way he says it has my RERE written all over it and sometimes just his expression reminds me so much of his daddy that I can't help but laugh.
So on this Valentine's Day,I give my heart all over again to my boys. I love you more than words could ever express!!
To all those family members and friends out there, I love you,too!! Your prayers and encouragement make moving through each day with chronic pain possible. You have my heart as well. To our birthmother, thanks again for choosing us to share your heart with, you are as much a part of our forever family as little man is! Happy Valentine's Day all. Don't forget to share your love with those near and far...you never know when the opprotunity may be taken away from you. And finally as the Psalmist says "God is good,His LOVE endures forever!!

A time of soul searching.

I must admit that I have not been the easiest person to live with for the last 2 months (and those who knew before the headache might even agree for the last 11 years). I've been frustrated, hurt, at times lonely, and there is always my constant companion pain. My sweet family has listened to me spend time trying to figure out just what I need to do so I can be happier with myself and those around me. I have spent much time in prayer and have worked at remembering that if the devil already has you, he doesn't keep coming back for you.
So, all of that said...I've decided to pray that God will help me not to judge those who judge me. This is a tough one for me,I do care what others think of me and I do want to have people in my home. I'm a strong believer in that if you want to be a soul winner you have to be willing to expose your own soul. Yet with the way the headache works, there are days when it takes everything I have to convince myself to get out of bed and do school. One most days, if you come to see me, you'll see laundry on the laundry couch(BTW those clothes are clean), dirty socks scattered about the floor,a pile of dishes in the kitchen sink, and very often a pile of laundry waist deep in front of the washing machine. I would hate to see just how that pile would be if there were more than just 3 of us. We happen to be a family that organizes by stacks (that could be clothes, mail, and school) and as long as we don't move each others stack we can find what we need quickly :). I have to say that I DO NOT want this to be the way I keep my home. But, all those clothes and dishes will still be there (and when we get desperate they do get cleaned up)but the precious time God has given me with Samuel being "little" will be short lived and I would much rather devote my "feel good" time to him. It is an effort some days to talk (I know this is hard to believe because I can definitely rattle on forever) and to even be nice. I ask myself is what I'm getting frustrated over something that needs correction or is it JUST the headache making me feel like it's a big deal. So, anyway, if you come to see me (and I hope that you will)... don't expect an emasculate house where everything has a place and everything is in it's place, but come and see me and not the clutter, allow me to go to the kitchen and get you a drink (I promise I do have clean glasses and when I don't we have plastic) but please don't follow me to the kitchen sink. Once upon a time a was a very good housekeeper, but bending over to pick up clothes and toys and the clanking of dishes in the sink don't miss well with the headache.
So, I'm praying for contentment for where I am in all those things. I'm praying that I will accept that my house, my life, and my body size will not keep me from the plan Christ has for me even when I'm not happy with me. I'm praying that the blessings that come with the headache will be more evident and I'm praying that the Father will renew a right spirit within in.
What joy we have to look forward to! Don't you know that our home in heaven will be self cleaning, pain free, and filled with those we love who have gone before. How blessed we are to know that we have so much to look forward to. May God grant you happiness and peace during the holiday season and for those of you who are grieving and missing sweet faces at your table may God bring you comfort.

Sister Wives

The headache has spent the last 5 days raging, so I didn't make the trip home to see mama and daddy this weekend plus I missed out on the chance to hear some great bluegrass. However, whining about what I didn't get to to do is not the reason for this post. Since I've had the house to myself, I've been the one in control of the remote :). Last night,I watched an evening filled with Sister Wives on TLC. Needless to say, it's gotten in my head and I can't seem to let some of it go. As I watched these three women (and then later 4)work their way in a polygamist marriage, I couldn't help but think back to the old testament. I thought of Abraham,Jacob, David, Solomon etc. These men all encountered more trouble in their families from having multiple wives. We read and we see that God took their poor choices and used them for good in many cases,but it did not prevent the turmoil in the household. I was thinking about Leah and Rachel and how they bartered for a night with Jacob over some fruit. But I digress, what strikes me is the pain that you see in the eyes of these women. They've learned to love one another and accept the "lifestyle" they've chosen,but when it comes time to "share" their husband in my view there is a sadness in their eyes.
I guess I felt more of a connection with Meri in the show, we both are about the same age and she is a woman who longs for many children and yet has only one of her own. Through this marriage she has gained a houseful of children,yet my heart brakes for her. It is literally like watching Rachel deal with Jacob and his other wives. Jacob loves her "best" yet she still had to share him with three other women and deal with the fact that she only had one son. Yes, she has Benjamin but she never sees her two sons together. I can only imagine the anguish she felt as her "sister wives" continued to bear children and she was left with the longing in her heart for more.
I've watched other documentaries that deal with polygamy and one of the things they bring up is the way many Americans have multiple wives they just do it one at a time. They talk of how the way they do things is better for them and the children. They talk of the security found in having other women to depend on and the security for the children raised in the home. It all gets back to God's plan for marriage, a plan he set up from the very beginning (Gen. 2:20-24)We mess things up when we deviate from God's plan. God didn't allow Abraham and Sarah to help him provide a child through which the world would be blessed. He did not accept Hagar's son Ishmael. When God gives us a pattern, we must follow it.
The last thing I can't seem to get past is just how much fun Kody (the husband) seemed to be having. Yes, he has to deal with 4 women's raging hormones but ultimately he gets to have his cake and eat it too. Sin is fun! Let me say that one more time SIN IS FUN!! It's obvious Kody is having a good time, and all the extra "yuck" you have to deal with in a marriage, he can choose to deal with only every fourth night. I can only imagine how often one of his wives forgoes talking about something that may be bothering her because she doesn't want to spoil her night in the rotation. O.K., I'm going to end this post and move on,but ladies let's remember that God made us our husband's helpmate. He developed a plan and instructs our husbands to love us as He loves the church. Looking at it this way, when we begin looking at God's word and picking and choosing what we like and how we'll worship, then we create another "bride". But that is not how scripture reads! It speaks of THE church. One bride not many!

Special People

One of the advantages of growing up in a small congregation is how close you get to the people you worship with. They are family. I think sometimes in our rush to move through our Sunday afternoon and to get our babies home and to bed on Wednesday night, we lose sight that this is our opprotunity to catch up with our spiritual family. A time to celebrate even the small and big things that go on during the week and the opprotunity to comfort and encourage those whose week has been a tough one.
I found out this morning that one of the sweet men where I grew up passed away last night. He was blessed to have had his family around him and felt well enough earlier in the week to talk and visit with them.(After losing my sister and cousin, the day we spent together before their death is a treasure and a comfort. It was God's gift to us.) I'm prayerful this family will find comfort in those special moments, that it will draw them closer together and closer to God.
This sweet man always found a way to encourage my sweetheart. He would brag on him when he would lead singing (which as a teen was a scary thing for him). He would always give him a sweet pat on the back when we made trips home too. He gave such good hugs and wanted to know how I was. He and his sweet wife took care of the flowers for our wedding, and they made our family feel apart of theirs.
I can say that about so many families at home. It's been hard to watch that congregation slowly grow smaller and smaller.
I guess I just wanted to take the time to remember the joy of standing on the front steps after worship for 30 minutes to an hour just catching up with each other. We loved one another and we knew when someone was missing. Looking back, I wish I had made more of an effort to contact those who missed. It's a lesson to take forward and work on from this point on.
I hope and pray when my life here is ended that people will be able to remember me with fondness. To remember an encourager and a soul that empathisizes with others. I pray I'm one of those special people that hearts will ache over as my heart aches for this special family today. May God bring us comfort.

Grandparent's Day

I've been blessed to have gotten to know 3 of my great-grandparents and both sets of grandparents. Since this is a day that has been chosen to honor grandparents, I thought I'd share my favorite memory(ies) for each.
Great-Grandma Garrett is just a vague memory for me because I was so young the last time I saw her. In fact, most of what I remember is probably stories I've heard told. I know that she loved to hold and rock my cousin Matthew, but the memory I have of her is a parrot. If I remember right, his cage was beside the door and when I would come to the house the parrot would say "Go away Sam, go away". LOL,it's a funny memory to me, but I also remember feeling love and welcomed in her home. Great-Grandpa Garrett, I have many more memories of he was the town dentist for a long time and I think as a small child I have memories of going to his office in Robertsdale. Everytime we went to see him, you'd get a hug and a dollar. Oh, how that dollar would burn a whole in our pockets before we could leave :) I can remember sitting and listening to the story telling between the grown ups on those visits. Once again, the feeling of being loved and welcomed was the overriding feeling of those visits. Great-Grandpa Patterson lived in Texas and my memories of him always seem to revolve around a wing back chair. He'd sit in his chair and the grandchildren and great grandchildren would take turns visiting with him. I felt a connection with him because I knew I was supposed to be Sam Justin(that was the name mama and daddy picked out to honor both great grandfathers, and I turned out to be a Samantha Kay). But one of the things aside from remembering him as being frail is that his Bible was never to far from his side.
I loved to get up early with daddy when I was little and make the trip out to the truck stop for breakfast on Saturday mornings. I'd ussually find Grandma Dean sitting in her chair behind the counter and her sweet hugs and being pulled close are memories that still warm my heart. My favorite memory is of her putting all of us grandkids in the car (back before we had to have car seats or seatbelts) and riding down the road to just over the FL line. Shealways rode with the window down and hummed the same song as she drove. We'd get to where we were going and we'd all get a snack and a coke and head back to the truck stop. My memories of Grandpa Dean make me laugh now, but there was a time we ran to get out of his reach when we were playing(and yes that ussually meant spininng incircles on the bar stools which we knew was a major no-no). My favorite memory of him though is after I got old enough to ask my sweetheart to take me out to visit. I loved the feel of his scratchy old beard as I'd reach around his neck to give him a hug and a kiss. He liked to act all gruff but those work worn hands would reach up and grab my arms and give me a good squeeze back and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was loved. In fact,love is the overflowing memory through all these memories :)
When we'd go to visit Grandmama and Granddaddy Lyles, I can remember waiting to here the floor squeak the sliding door to her bedroom open. Grandmama would be getting up to make breakfast. I loved that time of morning with everyone else asleep but me and her. She'd let me help cut out biscuits and listen to whatever story I had to tell that morning. Grandpa Lyles was in my mind one of the most humble people I've ever met. I loved to hear him pray and can remember peeeking to watch him talk as he prayed(sometimes it would be hard to hear). I love to hear Garrett pray now because so often he reminds me of Granddaddy. But, my favorite memory of Grandpa Lyles is having a tea party with him, a babydoll, and a teddy bear. Marshmellows and tea were served and he would sit in a little bitty chair and talk and eat with me and our guests.
There are soo many more precious memories of all these sweet people that I hold close, and I'm soo thankful that God gave me the opprotunity to know each one. I'm thankful that my Samuel has such sweet grandparents. Feeling blessed and loved by the special love that comes from spending time with those who realize just how important the little moments are. May God bless you this Lord's day. Love to all..Samantha

What Does Satan Look Like?

I've had this post rolling around in my head for about 3 weeks now and couldn't quite figure out just how I wanted to tackle it. So here goes and I pray that in the midst of my run-on sentences we both can take something from this that will help us in our daily battle.
Wouldn't it be great if every time the devil tried to interfere in our life we would get that clear picture presented by the cartoons:Red costume, horns and a pitch fork. Or even a flashing sign that just says warning would be nice. But that's not how he presents himself in our lives. Sometimes he's that really good looking guy in the magazine ad,or the beautiful buxom blond selling dish washing liquid. Those are still pretty easy to read into,but what about the ones that aren't so easy. The really sweet guy/girl in class whose willing to help with homework and invites you to a party that sounds like a lot of fun. In my case, it was the sweetest guy who poured himself into the tightest jeans ever(before spandex)and "rescued" me from a house full of little sisters and a brother. My sweetheart is by no means the devil but (the devil) would find us when instead of going straight home from the movies we'd find a spot to park and fog up the windows.
As we get older and Lord willing our faith becomes stronger, the deception Satan uses gets trickier. Do we lay every bad thing that happens to us at the feet of God and question why we have to suffer. Somewhere along the line it was Satan that brought suffering. I have spent too much of the last 11 years laying the blame and anger over my headache at the feet of God and not Satan.
Do I recognize that the pain sky rockets on Sunday and Wednesday when I want to go to worship. Do I recognize that I allow him to allow myself to say it's OK not to do "x" I'm not good enough anyway.
So what does Satan look like? Pain,fun,love,an excuse, or maybe time spent doing things that we have no business doing. We know that he moves to and fro seeking those he can devour. So let's put our armor on Eph.6:10-20, and go out and fight the enemy realizing he won't always be easy to spot and many times we may see an easier way to deal with our problems just to see we're buried even deeper in the mess. So, Let's get out our swords of the Spirit and our shield of faith and fight the deceiver and let's recognize it's not a battle we fight alone but one that if we continue to fight we know we will win!

Mama, Daddy, and My Sweetheart

Well it's been forever since I've taken the time to write. I totally intended to have a special post for both Mother's Day and Father's Day, but once again the battle with chronic pain has slowed me way down. Where we come from can be a blessing, a crutch, or an excuse for our behavior. I have to say my past and present are filled with three very special people who continually help to shape my life.
Mama and Daddy...two words that just in the saying of them hold so much love and emotion that I could stop there and feel like I've said it all. Mama has to be one of the most patient and Godly women I've ever known. She's raised four faithful children, taught us how to pray and see God in both the little and big things, not to mention her creativity in keeping three very busy sets of hands occupied while also dealing with an infant. Contests were held and (as I remember) encouraged to see who could stand on their head the longest in the corner, who could jump up and down the longest, who could jump rope the longest,ect. Mama seemed to always be able to find a way to keep us busy;and bless her heart, when we found ways to keep ourselves busy (many wonderful adventures that led to trouble :) )she got her switch out and used it. We are who we are today because of her love for us and our friends. Mama always seemed to love whoever we loved. I'm so thankful for that, we could bring friends home and she loved them just as she loved us.
Daddy spent a lot of my childhood on the road,but always found a way to celebrate the special things that he missed when he got home. Special trips for icecream or a special date just with him to a nice "grown up" restraunt, not to mention trips to get coffee and the opprotunity to plan out your future on a Waffle House napkin. He rarely gives himself enough credit in his walk with Christ and the example he put before us. He struggles, as we all do, with his own set of temptations, but watching him struggle and continue to try has been a lesson all in itself. Daddy has never tried to present himself as perfect and for that reason I have seen that the Christian walk is not an easy one but one that is begun anew each day. There's comfort in seeing him with his open Bible on the arm of his chair, to listen of him talk of King David, and his encouragement to my baby to study the Proverbs to find wisdom. I am blessed!
God sent me my sweetheart the summer I turned 14. He's joked over the years that if you want a good wife, you raise her the way you want her. Well, I can't say I've always been the most cooperative student, but I do know that we've grown up in the Lord together. We faught all the temptations that all teens fight when your dating and IN LOVE. We helped each other overcome the heartaches and disappointments that come with growing up, and his steady as you go attitude has often been my anchor in the storms of life. His encouragement to hang in there and to find the answers both spiritually and physically have been amongst God's greatest gifts. I could also spend forever talking about the wonderful daddy he is. His tender heart, yet firm voice tell my baby how much he's loved and just as much how he is expected to behave.
I have been blessed with Mama, Daddy and a husband who in their own ways have shown me the love of my heavenly father. I never doubted God loves me. I've always been surrounded by love. What an important job we have as parents! We are our children's first look at the love of God!
There's so much more I could say about all three of these special people. Their example as we moved through the loss of my sister and cousin is still a wonder. There is no fear in death, but a deep desire for heaven. Each one of them has played such a special part in that! As we live with the sorrow of our personal loss, because of the influence of Mama, Daddy, and my sweetheart; I continue living this life with a joy that is eternal and a hope that is everlasting. Truly I am blessed!!