Happy Mother's Day

I happen to love Mother's Day and Father's Day. It's a time to honor our own parents, and a time to celebrate the blessings that have come with the children God has placed in our life. How blessed I am! I can't ever really remember a time when I didn't want to be a mama. I toted around my baby dolls and purses filled with their stuff for as far back as I can remember. There's something extra special about sweet little chubby cheeks, elbows, and knees.
I have to say that the first time, I had the overwhelming desire to be a mama was when I was in college and my Fridays were very often spent with a very precious little guy who's grandmother and pawpaw were raising him. I'd go by his house on Friday morning, have something to keep his hands busy while I worked on assignments for school, and then our fun would begin. We'd get lunch, head to the park and play, and then head to pick up Rich from work. He probably has no idea how much joy he brought us, and love his heart, we learned a little about parenting with him. One of my most precious memories is when we were sitting in the car waiting for Rich to get off work, he turned to me and said, "Samanfer,you look like a mama to me." From that day forward,he's been the son of my heart and I happily shared a part of his love along with grandmother,one of his Aunts, and his birthmother. I don't know if he even realizes how much he's loved and how much of my heart he still holds to this day. We came into his life just after grandmother and pawpaw adopted him, and we met him at church. It filled my heart with joy,when that little guy would jump up off the pew in front us and reach his sweet little toddler arms up to be held after the final Amen. He's grown now and though life's circumstances moved us away from him right after high school graduation. I've kept up with him. I'm proud of him and the young man he has become. To this day, I have that little booger to thank for teaching me how important words of love and encouragement are to a child. We worked with some part-time foster children during that time, and one of my favorite family pictures has all my boys in it (we had 4 part-time pre-teen boys and my first little man and my sweetheart). I love that picture and I love the memories that come with it. I've been on bear hunts and tried to outrun the moon, when he was little. So I'm thankful God gave me the chance to feel a mother's love for a child long before I had one who was officially my own.
His grandmother taught me so many wonderful things. She taught me how to love my husband, how to drive a car, and when to use a switch on little legs to help him learn to obey. Like many of you tomorrow, I'll be making phone calls :) I'll call Mama, Grandmother, and very possibly I'll talk to my little man's birthmother. These three women have helped to shape my adult life in so many ways that my cup runs over and I'll drink from the saucer of love.
My little man is getting so big and I love to hear him pray and talk about his love for God. Every night he prays for the headache to go away, and his prayers are sounding like those of a big boy now. So once again, I'll drink from the saucer because my cup overflows.
So Happy Mother's Day everyone. I hope your's is filled with love and joy as you count the blessings you've received as a son/daughter and the many blessings that come with being a Mama. God bless you richly!

A Full Heart

It always surprises me just how quickly the month of May sneaks up on me. When I was teaching school full time, it meant the crazziness of finishing the school year was at hand. It also meant trying to find the perfect Mother's Day card for Mama and Mom. (LOL, As I unpack boxes you wouldn't believe just how many cards I've found that never got mailed; then again some of you know very well that I don't get things in the mail like I should. :)It's also a time when, I look back with great joy over Samuel's Gotcha Day. The fact that it followed my first Mother's Day made it all the more poignant.
I am blessed, I have to say that again, I am blessed. The pain that we've dealt with as a family with my headache since Christmas has called me to question that statement, and I'd really like to lay all the blame at the feet of the meds and how crazy they can sometimes make me feel. I have to admit that I have spent some time since Christmas contemplating if I'm really serving a purpose here or if the world would be better off without me. I am thankful to say, that my Mama and Daddy, and my Sweetheart have over the years helped me deal with these feelings. My faith in God and His promise to give us no more than we can bear came through with loud alarms,too. I will say if you want to see your doctor get moving to admit you in the hospital, share the above thoughts with him. Needless to say, he listened closer to what the pain was doing and made sure I didn't come home too early. We then spent 6 weeks trying to adjust to a med that worked great in a high IV dose in the hospital, but came home and the depression began to roll in, and this time I had a harder time dealing with it. We knew that it might cause those types of feelings temporarily so we waited. But it got to be too much for all of us as a family to deal with so we spent two weeks trying to get the doctor to call us back. I'm now off that particular med, we made a fast trip to Skokie, IL(suburb of Chicago), and tomorrow marks exactly a week since they did the injections in my neck. Today, I have finally begun to feel better. The pain that has been staying wrapped around my left eye has eased up, the injection sites aren't as sore, and I actually feel a little more like myself. So once again, I am blessed. Iam blessed with a husband, who is patient with the fact that the house is NOT clean, he does the grocery shopping, and gets my little man out of the house and into the sunshine. He works his schedule to take care of me, and love his heart, I can look at his sweet face when he gets home from work and see just how tired he is. (He did all the driving and our total miles round trip was 1700 miles) The first half he drove in one day, and the trip home was spread over 3 days, and when we got in he unloaded the car, and went to meet Mama and Daddy who'd been keeping little man for us. He's tired, and while occassionally he may growl like an old grizzly,he doesn't complain, he just keeps on going. So once again, I am blessed.
I titled this entry a full heart because my heart is full on so many levels. I look at the pictures of the destruction from the storms last week and it breaks your heart. I have friends who've lost people and my heart aches with the grief for them. My little man has been such a big helper this week and been on his best behavior (found out grandmama told him to take care of me since I'm not allowed to bend over or pick up anything for a few more days). His concern and love fill my heart as well.
My heart is also filled with joy because another of my precious red heads has obeyed the gospel, and now I can call her sister and niece. I wish our Jenny could have been here to see it. But I know she's rejoicing in heaven with us. It's funny how, the precious moments that we want to pull close and store up can fill our hearts so full and make us wish that those who have gone before us could still be here to enjoy the celebrations, but that is selfishness on my part.
My heart is also full because we are quickly approaching a day when two special friends laid to rest their sweet little one, and the memories of watching them cope, their strength through the pain, and a sweet big sissy trying to wrapp her little mind around why little brother would never grow up. My heart is full to overflowing.
I'm so thankful for God's grace and mercy. He intends for us to have full hearts. Hearts full of love for one another, hearts so full of love for the lost that we can't not mention His precious name to those we come in contact with. The Greatest commandment is this to love one another as I have loved you.
I can only imagine just how full Peter's heart was in John 21, when Jesus asked him, Peter do you love me? And Peter responded Yes, Lord. Then Jesus told him to feed His lambs. Two more times Christ asked Peter this question, and we're told it grieved Peter (can you only imagine Peter thinking about denying Christ 3 times and now he's been asked 3 times, Do you love me?) Peter's response the last time was Yes Lord you know I do, you know all things. And Christ responded. "feed My Sheep". So when our hearts become full are we carrying on the job Christ gave Peter, are we tending the lambs and feeding the sheep. Perhaps if our hearts are so full with doing God's will, then when the storms and trials come to rock our world (and we know they will),then Lord willing our faith will have such an anchor that it can't be pulled off course, even if the winds toss us around. So, I hope you can look in your life and see just how blessed you are, and I'm happy to say I see just how blessed I am.

The implanted word and prayer

Once again the time in between posts has been a long one. I'm finding that I have less time available to write during the morning hours now that I'm home schooling my little man. We are enjoying Spring Break, and that means I have more time to write :) In the last month and a half, we as a family have ridden the roller coaster of me being in the hospital for a week and then coming home with some new meds that are taking some time for me to get used to...which means the family as a whole has to get used to them. Let's just say that everyday is a rollercoaster ride and we are all ready to get off. So in the midst of all this the following verses and thoughts have been what have been getting me through. My Prayer is that they'll help you too.
Therefore lay aside all filthiness and over flow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. James 1:21. I love the word implanted, it implies action on my part. Seed doesn't just get in the row in the garden and grow, a farmer must til,plant, and water. I need to spend more time planting the seed (reading my Bible spending time with God in prayer, and fellowship with those of like precious faith. Mark 14:38 says "Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. John 17:15, "I do not pray that you should take them out of the world, but that you should keep them from the evil one." We know that we should spend time in the word and in prayer...we need that two way communication. But, there are times when I have such a full,heavy heart that the words just aren't there. I'm so thankful that in Rom. 8:26-27, we are given a solution to this problem: Likewise the spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we aught,but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God." I gain so much comfort and hope from that last verse.
In the 12 1/2 years, I've been battling this headache so much of the time I've been unsure of what to ask for. Yes, I want freedom from the headache, but my family and friends have joined me in this prayer and God is silent in His answer(Let's just say, I've known for a certainty it's either been a not now or a no up to this point.) Please don't think I've given up, I haven't, but I am weary of the fight. The verse above brings me hope because when I can't put into words the feelings and needs of my heart., the Holy Spirit interprets them for me. So, I'll keep on, keepin' on. I'll spend time in my Bible and Lord willing make it enough time with the right attitude that His word becomes so firmly planted in my heart that even the worst of life's storms won't uproot it, and I'll spend time in prayer talking to the Father. I recognize that if I leave out either one of these it becomes a one sided conversation and that was not what the Father ever intended for His people. So even in the depths of both physical and emotional pain our Heavenly Father tells us, "Yes, I'm listening to you. I'm holding you in the cradle of my arm and I will see you through this (night, moment, or situation). What joy and peace we can find even admist the pain we must endure!

Green Bean Sandwiches

I met my sweetheart at Gulf Coast Bible Camp the summer I turned 14. I honestly have to say that I was one giant walking, talking hormone and a major pain at home most of the time. I was the typical know it all pre-teen. I fell head over heels in lust with my sweety when my youth group and his went roller skating together,and from that point on there was really no one else for me. We've always said God sent him my direction when he needed my family,but before I really needed to get serious. We've always learned life's lessons the hard way and we did everything our own way.
Once again, I'm rambling and not getting to the reason for today's post. I've had the privilege of reading several blogs today that discuss how to keep a marriage happy,loving, and growing; and I wanted to share some things I've learned over the last 21 years. So here goes:

*Decide every morning that you're going to love your sweetheart. This just happened to be the advice my Grandmama gave me on my wedding day and it's served me well over the years. This is that agape love the Bible talks about,not the lust side of things.
*The only time you can change a man is when he's in diapers. (Many thanks to Sue Crabtree for bringing this to my attention.) It's not my job to nag, irritate, or badger my sweetheart. If I didn't love and like who he was before I married him then I shouldn't have married. I love Proverbs 31 and the account of the Virtuous Wife she's who I long to be. If I concentrate on being the wife God wants me to be, the rest seems to eventually fall into place.
* Be thankful for Green Bean Sandwiches and Mac-n-Cheese. When money is tight and you're not real sure what will come next,put your faith in the promises God made that we don't have to worry about where our next meal will come from. Like I said earlier we did everything the hard way, including getting married and heading to Montgomery with no place to live. We were the epitome of young and stupid and believed in living on love. There have been times when it was just a little more than love and faith that we lived on. Take these opportunities to learn to depend on each other. We laugh now about our green bean sandwiches we ate for dinner the first week we were married,at the time we laughed so we wouldn't cry, now we look back and see the beginning of a marriage built on faith and love and facing the challenges of the world as a couple and not as individuals.
* Be thankful for dirty socks left by the chair and clothes that don't get hung up, someday you may wish they were there. I guess this get back to nagging, that's not your God given responsibility and it breeds frustration and disgust instead of love and respect.
* If you want to get your way,put away the claws and pour on the honey. Don't expect immediate results and be willing to grin and bear it until you see the result you're looking for. (Leonard Johnson gave me this gold nugget and it works...and yes sometimes it takes years to get what you're looking for)
* Hold hands as often as you can and sit close to each other. Even when there is no money and no babysitter, choose to hold your sweetheart's hand or snuggle up beside him on the couch.
*Notice the good qualities in your sweetheart and TELL him how much you appreciate him. When you do this he hears I LOVE YOU better than he would if you went outside and actually yelled the words for the neighborhood to hear.
*Listen to him talk about his dreams and encourage him to go for it. Even if it means that for a season you are not the center of his world.
*Look for the little things he does and appreciate them. I know as women we solve our problems by talking them to death, but our sweethearts want to fix the problem for us. So when you're just wanting to share a problem and he begins to try and help you find the solution take the time to listen to what he's really saying...I love you soo much that I don't want you to have any problems.
*Make sure you say the words I love you, don't ever assume that he'll just know. Take every opportunity to give him a good hug and tell him you appreciate the husband, father, and Christian he is.

Take the time to enjoy the green bean sandwiches of life, see them as an opportunity to grow as a couple and a family. Find the blessing that God is sending amidst the trials and financial strain. May God bless you and your marriage as you work to be the wife, mother, and Christian God plan's for you to be.

A Longing for Heaven

I don't know about you, but there are times when the desire to see heaven and worship at God's feet becomes so overwhelming that my soul seems to overflow. Some days this happens because of all the good and joy that have come from the day,but most of the time it occurs when I'm weary of fighting pain. I promise, I don't spend my time thinking o' poor me. And I know that you are probably as tired of me talking about my pain as I am with dealing with it. But there are times when the desire to see God's face becomes so intense, so great a need that I become physically weak with the longing. Paul makes a statement close to this that To live is Christ and to die is gain. I soo get this scripture now. I understand Moses pleading with God to allow him to see His face. I can honestly say for me there is no fear in death, only a longing and desire for the troubles of this world to end quickly, so I can go home. (I promise that the only thing I'll do to hasten this is heart felt prayer for the Second coming.) I'm soo thankful the Father has given us the Holy Spirit-the Comforter. He takes the very groanings of my heart and presents them to the Father with an eloquence no mortal man could pen. He brings to mind those precious passages of scripture that are filled with the promises of being given no load too heavy to bear, that the Great Physician is near and works through prayer on our behalf, and just How Beautiful Heaven Must Be. He allows us to feel the closeness of the Father...if we'll just be still and know that He is God.

What joy there is in knowing that Our Father does care (Satan uses the pain and trials to throw us off track, look at the book of Job). Satan kept telling God if you'll let me just take everything from him, he won't put his faith in You. Job had days where he wished he'd never been born and he questioned the "why" of his suffering.

There are blessings that come with this type of longing. If I'm going to pray for Christ to return quickly, then I'd better be sure I'm ready to stand before the judgement seat. So it causes me to do a lot of heart exploration and to question Is My Heart Right With God? If He returns in the next moment, am I ready to join Him? Am I living and Following in the Footsteps of Jesus? Do my friends know that I'm a Christian by the love I show not only to my brothers and sisters but to the stranger on the street? Do I allow my light to shine so that those who come in contact with me can see the Son in my actions and speech? Do I spend time in prayer praising God for the many blessings He's given, praying in faith for healing and contentment? Am I being the Christian mama God wants me to be? In my speech, does my little man hear respect for his earthly father? Do I take advantage of each teachable moment when it comes to helping him see our Heavenly Father? Am I teaching Him the power of prayer? Does he see in my actions that I am struggling to work out my salvation with fear and trembling, study and prayer, and can I give an answer for the HOPE that lives in me?

The answers to the questions above are not all "yes" answers. In fact, just this week, I sat my little man down and had a very grown up disscussion with him about my attitude and his. I apologized for not having the patience I should and promised I would work on it. I also pointed out some areas he needed to work on too.

Yesterday, for the first time, I didn't find that comfort that ussually comes from a trip to the beach. Maybe just maybe, God wants me to feel His very tangible presence, in a quiet back room of the house, in the dark,all by myself, just me and Him. To realize in a small place, His greatness. To know I don't have to leave my room to find Him, He's always here...He always holds me in His arms and that He can make me feel just how powerful He is here in the quiet, as well as in the salt air and wind and the pounding surf. Or maybe I just didn't take the time to relax and give all the "yuck" and pain to the Ocean breeze to carry far out to sea, so that I could see the power of the Father.

I pray for the 2nd Coming to come quickly.(I know that this is a prayer that has been prayed for since the apostles met in the upper room after Christ's resurrection.) I long to look upon the face of GOD, I look forward to spending an eternity singing praises at the foot of His throne, and I look forward to the fullfillment of the promise that there will be no tears and no pain as we walk the streets of gold. This is the peace that passes all understanding, the comfort that we gain when we wear the yoke of Christ and let Him take the reigns and give Him the CONTROL, instead of pulling and fighting the bit. My Jesus Knows Just What I Need, He Satisfies and Every Need Supplies, I just have to let go and let God!

Happy Valentine's Day

WoW, It has been forever since I've updated this blog! The headache level has been high and now most of my creative energy goes toward trying to find ways to make learning fun for my little man. All that said, it's not the reason for this blog today :)
Happy Valentine's Day!
How blessed I am to live with two very special "boys", OK Rich isn't a boy but an awesome man and husband. He has always been and Lord willing will always be my white knight in shining armer. He's a fixer, if there's a problem...a dragon to slay,he gets out there and does it. He has taken the time to educate himself in how to use acupunture and accupressure to help my headaches, and he keeps me out of the ER with his skill. I know that he's weary of fighting this particular dragon just as much as I am of being in it's clutches. Yet he continues to fight and stay in the den of the beast with me and for that I'm so thankful and so blessed. Not many men stay,to fight this fight. I know this from group therapy sessions in the headache clinic where out of 30 women only two of us still were with the same mate we began the fight of the headache with. So, Happy Valentines,RERE!! You are the other half of my soul, I love how you make me feel beautiful even when my hair is a mess,I'm still in my pj's, and I'm wearing that unseen flashing sign that says "DON"T TOUCH, TOO MUCH PAIN". You sweet man are my rock and yet I love how you allow me to see how deeply you love me and our beautiful son.
Nine years ago today, I gave my little man his first valentine. It was one of those toys that crinckled, and rattled and had arms and legs. It went straight into his mouth (it still seems that almost everything still goes straight into his mouth :)). But he took that toy and immediately began chewing on it and wrestling with it as he played on his pallet on the floor, and I...well I fell even more in love with him and didn't know a mama's heart could be so full, yet over the years that love has grown stronger and stronger. As a little man of 8,he has a heart that is filled with compassion, a love for our heavenly Father, and such joy that it overflows onto and into those who meet him. He is my heart! He taught me that I can continue to share my heart with others and that he can share his heart with others and there is still plenty of love left to share. How blessed we have been with this little man. I also love the fact that he can sometimes be a walking, talking reflection of his daddy. He desires perfection, he wants to help those who need help, and yes he is a stubborn as the day is long,but that is a trait that will serve him well as he grows. He'll say something and the way he says it has my RERE written all over it and sometimes just his expression reminds me so much of his daddy that I can't help but laugh.
So on this Valentine's Day,I give my heart all over again to my boys. I love you more than words could ever express!!
To all those family members and friends out there, I love you,too!! Your prayers and encouragement make moving through each day with chronic pain possible. You have my heart as well. To our birthmother, thanks again for choosing us to share your heart with, you are as much a part of our forever family as little man is! Happy Valentine's Day all. Don't forget to share your love with those near and far...you never know when the opprotunity may be taken away from you. And finally as the Psalmist says "God is good,His LOVE endures forever!!

A time of soul searching.

I must admit that I have not been the easiest person to live with for the last 2 months (and those who knew before the headache might even agree for the last 11 years). I've been frustrated, hurt, at times lonely, and there is always my constant companion pain. My sweet family has listened to me spend time trying to figure out just what I need to do so I can be happier with myself and those around me. I have spent much time in prayer and have worked at remembering that if the devil already has you, he doesn't keep coming back for you.
So, all of that said...I've decided to pray that God will help me not to judge those who judge me. This is a tough one for me,I do care what others think of me and I do want to have people in my home. I'm a strong believer in that if you want to be a soul winner you have to be willing to expose your own soul. Yet with the way the headache works, there are days when it takes everything I have to convince myself to get out of bed and do school. One most days, if you come to see me, you'll see laundry on the laundry couch(BTW those clothes are clean), dirty socks scattered about the floor,a pile of dishes in the kitchen sink, and very often a pile of laundry waist deep in front of the washing machine. I would hate to see just how that pile would be if there were more than just 3 of us. We happen to be a family that organizes by stacks (that could be clothes, mail, and school) and as long as we don't move each others stack we can find what we need quickly :). I have to say that I DO NOT want this to be the way I keep my home. But, all those clothes and dishes will still be there (and when we get desperate they do get cleaned up)but the precious time God has given me with Samuel being "little" will be short lived and I would much rather devote my "feel good" time to him. It is an effort some days to talk (I know this is hard to believe because I can definitely rattle on forever) and to even be nice. I ask myself is what I'm getting frustrated over something that needs correction or is it JUST the headache making me feel like it's a big deal. So, anyway, if you come to see me (and I hope that you will)... don't expect an emasculate house where everything has a place and everything is in it's place, but come and see me and not the clutter, allow me to go to the kitchen and get you a drink (I promise I do have clean glasses and when I don't we have plastic) but please don't follow me to the kitchen sink. Once upon a time a was a very good housekeeper, but bending over to pick up clothes and toys and the clanking of dishes in the sink don't miss well with the headache.
So, I'm praying for contentment for where I am in all those things. I'm praying that I will accept that my house, my life, and my body size will not keep me from the plan Christ has for me even when I'm not happy with me. I'm praying that the blessings that come with the headache will be more evident and I'm praying that the Father will renew a right spirit within in.
What joy we have to look forward to! Don't you know that our home in heaven will be self cleaning, pain free, and filled with those we love who have gone before. How blessed we are to know that we have so much to look forward to. May God grant you happiness and peace during the holiday season and for those of you who are grieving and missing sweet faces at your table may God bring you comfort.