A Time of Truth

Sometimes in our hurt and frustration anger becomes the avenue for saying things that need to be said but at a time when the fire is no longer burning. I have to admit that this is one of my big weaknesses. I hate confrontation and would much rather smooth ruffled feathers than deal with the issue at hand. I will put those things off until I explode. First of all, this is NOT how our Heavenly Father intends for us to deal with things.

Psalms 4:4 Be angry, and do not sin.
Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.
Eph. 4:26-27 “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

If I would just remember to do things God's way then things would go much better. My little man is becoming a tween-er and quick. He doesn't mind saying what he thinks, has a strong sense of right and wrong, and can be very loud, and repetitive. All of these qualities will do him so much good as he gets older that I don't want to squash them. However, our house is a headache house. We live with low lighting as quietly as possible, so that, my head doesn't feel like it is going to pop off. We literally use migraine meds for church and then a special day out. I guess I'm trying to say that he knows just which buttons to push and boy have we been on a roll lately. If I would handle each infraction as it happened then we might not have as many times of anger.

If I would think through the issue that is really the problem and pray about how to face it, then things would go a lot more smoothly. But to be honest, there are days when I promise it feels like he wants to find out just how much my head can take...will Mama cut the assignment short or put off til tomorrow those sentences that need diagramming. Yes, there are days it works for him....shame on me. I set a precedent that says let's test the odds and see if we can achieve the same thing next day or the next. I did it to my Mama too. If we could just stretch those boundaries then fun could be had. What he's doing is he actually wants to see if I care enough to make him do right. I know the psychology but the action can be so hard.

Mama/ Teacher isn't supposed to lash out, but do the job of getting school done. So when I laid into him all the pain that it felt like he wanted me to feel came spewing out of my mouth and onto him. There were things I said that needed to be said, but not yelled. He needed some time to think about what I said, but he didn't need to feel like I didn't want to deal with him. He needed to know just how tired I am and how hard it is to make school happen some days, but he didn't need it the way I did it.

He has every right to be frustrated and tired too. Being stuck in the house isn't fun, and Mama not feeling like doing the field trips I'd love to do isn't fair. But God didn't promise us this life would be fair. He found out that many days I feel guilty because I do have the headache and yet we adopted him anyway. I know that there are times when he must wonder what it would be like to have a Mama with no headache and who could have had a house full of siblings for him to play with, fight with, and share memories with. We had the headache under control when we decided to adopt...oh, there it is not my plans, but God's?! I don't believe for one minute that the Father enjoys me dealing with pain anymore than I want to see my sweet boy in pain.

So where did the anger come from: the pain, the repetitive noise, the singing the answers to questions at the top of his lungs when I'm sitting right next to him...no, not really all that anger comes from the Deceiver. By letting things go and go, I gave room for Satan to put his foot in my home. I didn't fix things the way God would have me to. So I'm trying and he's trying, and we are going to scale school back a little and do the easy academics and work on the hard cleaning out of anger and frustration in our souls. We'll do it as a family. He knows that I can't begin to imagine my life without him. He taught me how to laugh and smile again. He's taught me that God can take a heart that's broken into pieces and when it's put back together again it has even a bigger capacity to love.

Now before I let you go, I'd like for you to think with me about how when we sin, don't you think that our Father is hurt because of our lack of concern for His place in our lives. If we hurt when our children have done wrong, how much more so does the Father when we are risking eternal life?! It's made me stop and realize again the power of grace and mercy when combined with humble obedience to the Word. May God forgive us of our wrongs and may He help us to deal with anger the way He wants us to; so that, we don't allow the Deceiver a foothold in our homes. May we recognize when breaks are needed and when time in prayer is absolutely necessary before taking the next step or saying that next word.

I promise the next time I write, I'll leave this topic alone for a while. Isn't it wonderful how God forgives and makes us new!

Acts 26:18 ‘to open their eyes, in order to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who are sanctified by faith in Me.’

Run for a Mom 2012

I’ve been trying to put this blogg together for almost a year, but the emotions were just to close to the surface and finding the right words just didn’t come. Last year our family participated in Agape’s Run for a Mom. We started talking about, what if we can do this as a family, when the announcement came in Agape’s winter newsletter. With the headache, we never seem to put our plans in stone, but this time it was different. This time my little man spent a lot of time talking about the run and honoring his birthmother. So we put the day in stone and made the plans to be there. Little man picked out a picture of our forever family that included his birthmother (I think he chose that one because of the great memories and silly faces that were made the day the picture was taken.) We then went to find matching outfits for the big day. We had everything together our clothes, running shoes, 3 color copies of the picture, and my meds. If you hade asked me at 5 am that morning if I believed the day would be emotional, I would have said, “YES”, but in a joyful way.



It was joyful! We saw friends that we only see two or three times a year. We were all outside in the sun together, and we were ready to do the Fun Run. We were celebrating that my meds were doing their thing and that a sweet young lady had the courage and self-sacrificing love to place her sweet boy with us. But I have to say that as we stood in line for our packets, each of us got very quiet and the emotions began to become overwhelming. All of a sudden, little man was worried that he was going to hurt my feelings. (I promise we talked about this before hand and I’d reassured him I was excited about honoring his birthmother.) In the packet with our number, there was a place to write who you were running for. My sweet boy looked at me with his beautiful eyes and in them I saw the question, “Mama, are you sure this is okay?” So in answer, I took the marker and on my tag wrote his birthmother’s name. At that point he followed suit and the three of us pinned our picture and numbers to our shirts.



We cheered for the 5K runners as they left and came running back in. The joy on faces as they crossed the finish line was awesome. There were daddies carrying babies in back packs and many parents with strollers, and the celebration of families created by God still gives me goose bumps. We had a little time before the fun run to enjoy some bluegrass music, and then it was time for us to line up. We knew going into it that this Mama would not be running but I would be walking. My boys had planned to run it and then come back and finish it with me. I can’t begin to describe the love I felt waiting to start…you see my sweetheart had two names on his tag and that meant the world to me. He was celebrating me and little man’s birthmother, such a sweet moment. I went to the back of the pack because I knew I would get in the way of the other runners, and my boys were up at the front. I promise I walked that mile as fast as I could, and there were two mamas with strollers who were being sweet and going slower so I wouldn’t feel lonely. About halfway through, I could see two people running back towards me. There were my boys, who had already crossed the finish line, coming back to cross it with me. We were the last ones to finish, and there we were with one of them on each side of me. All I could do was cry and smile, my little man accepted my answer that Mama was just being silly and went off to play. My sweetheart knew my heart and tucked me under his arm and we went for some water.



I thank God every day for my sweet boy’s birthmother. The gift she gave us goes beyond words. The love that grew even deeper that day was awesome and God given. Over and over again, God has used my little man to stretch my heart and make it wider and deeper. I hope that my boys are learning the same thing. One lesson I’ve learned through adoption is while there may be no physical labor pains, there are emotional ones. I’m thankful for them because they’ve taught me many lessons. The most important lesson is don’t judge a heart based on how you would do things, but open your heart to others just like our Heavenly Father does.

Eph 3:14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, :15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, :16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, :17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, :18 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, :19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. :20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, :21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

TEN!!!!

I’m sitting at home today by myself in the quiet (except for the roaring of the headache in my head) and I’m remembering the butterflies that filled my stomach in the days before October 8th ten years ago. I was scared, excited, and so full of what ifs. I can look back at those days now and grin and thank God for them. They where a part of my “birthing pains”. We had met with a beautiful young lady on two occasions and I knew she loved her baby with her whole heart, there was absolutely no question about that. She wanted a Mama and a Daddy for her baby in a secure home that would provide him with love and honor his Asian heritage. Who would have ever thought that all that dojo time would help us get our hearts desire? Our God works in awesome ways. I was so scared that once she saw that sweet boy she would change her mind, but her love for him was bigger than that. It was bigger than what would make her feel good, but so full and deep that her concern was for her sweet boy.
So, in the midst of her pain, she brought us JOY!! I want to shout that word from the mountain tops. Our lives had revolved around pain for 4 years…the pain of losing my sister and cousin and the ever present pain of the headache. When we got the phone call telling us our birthmother was in labor, it was as if a light had come on and the hope that had taken up residence in my heart began to glow a little stronger…yet we were still afraid to believe. You know how Sarah laughed when she heard the Lord tell Abraham that she would bear him a child in her old age…that wanting to believe yet not wanting your heart to be broken once again…that’s where we were. In fact, very few people knew that we were even in the process of adoption. We didn’t want anyone to have to grieve with us if this sweet girl decided to keep her baby. It took the social worker some time to convince us to call our parents and let them know that we would be bringing our boy home.
I’ve written about the time we spent pacing and waiting. It’s the joy I wanted to concentrate on today. You see when our sweet boy’s birthmother made the decision to place him in our forever family, she gave us the gift of JOY! My boy taught this pain filled lady how to laugh again and that we (my Sweetheart and me) could laugh even through the hurt. What a blessing he has been!!
So on Monday, he turns 10. He’s so excited to be turning the double digits, and yes, his eyes twinkle when he talks about it…and my sweetheart and I…well, we laugh. It’s wonderful, and I’m so thankful that he is strong and healthy and smart…and above all he’s growing spiritually. I know my boy is not perfect and we have lots of growing to do, but he has a tender heart and a love for the Father. He’s reaching the age where he says that’s not right and can tell me why, so we’re making progress and I’m thankful.
This turning 10 business is a little hard for me. He’s outgrown my lap a longtime ago, but he will still come snuggle. Mama can now embarrass him with things he used to laugh and clap over. So, I’m going to fasten my seatbelt and get ready cause here we come tweens and teens.

Thank you God for giving me the opportunity to love this child. Help me to meet his needs, and help me to let your love shine through me. Help me to have the wisdom to know which battles to fight and which ones to let slide. Grant me patience when the day gets long and he pushes my buttons, and give me strength to discipline the way you want me to in a consistent manner. Thank you for his birthmother and the choice she made. Give her comfort and peace as only you can. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.