A Time of Truth

Sometimes in our hurt and frustration anger becomes the avenue for saying things that need to be said but at a time when the fire is no longer burning. I have to admit that this is one of my big weaknesses. I hate confrontation and would much rather smooth ruffled feathers than deal with the issue at hand. I will put those things off until I explode. First of all, this is NOT how our Heavenly Father intends for us to deal with things.

Psalms 4:4 Be angry, and do not sin.
Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.
Eph. 4:26-27 “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

If I would just remember to do things God's way then things would go much better. My little man is becoming a tween-er and quick. He doesn't mind saying what he thinks, has a strong sense of right and wrong, and can be very loud, and repetitive. All of these qualities will do him so much good as he gets older that I don't want to squash them. However, our house is a headache house. We live with low lighting as quietly as possible, so that, my head doesn't feel like it is going to pop off. We literally use migraine meds for church and then a special day out. I guess I'm trying to say that he knows just which buttons to push and boy have we been on a roll lately. If I would handle each infraction as it happened then we might not have as many times of anger.

If I would think through the issue that is really the problem and pray about how to face it, then things would go a lot more smoothly. But to be honest, there are days when I promise it feels like he wants to find out just how much my head can take...will Mama cut the assignment short or put off til tomorrow those sentences that need diagramming. Yes, there are days it works for him....shame on me. I set a precedent that says let's test the odds and see if we can achieve the same thing next day or the next. I did it to my Mama too. If we could just stretch those boundaries then fun could be had. What he's doing is he actually wants to see if I care enough to make him do right. I know the psychology but the action can be so hard.

Mama/ Teacher isn't supposed to lash out, but do the job of getting school done. So when I laid into him all the pain that it felt like he wanted me to feel came spewing out of my mouth and onto him. There were things I said that needed to be said, but not yelled. He needed some time to think about what I said, but he didn't need to feel like I didn't want to deal with him. He needed to know just how tired I am and how hard it is to make school happen some days, but he didn't need it the way I did it.

He has every right to be frustrated and tired too. Being stuck in the house isn't fun, and Mama not feeling like doing the field trips I'd love to do isn't fair. But God didn't promise us this life would be fair. He found out that many days I feel guilty because I do have the headache and yet we adopted him anyway. I know that there are times when he must wonder what it would be like to have a Mama with no headache and who could have had a house full of siblings for him to play with, fight with, and share memories with. We had the headache under control when we decided to adopt...oh, there it is not my plans, but God's?! I don't believe for one minute that the Father enjoys me dealing with pain anymore than I want to see my sweet boy in pain.

So where did the anger come from: the pain, the repetitive noise, the singing the answers to questions at the top of his lungs when I'm sitting right next to him...no, not really all that anger comes from the Deceiver. By letting things go and go, I gave room for Satan to put his foot in my home. I didn't fix things the way God would have me to. So I'm trying and he's trying, and we are going to scale school back a little and do the easy academics and work on the hard cleaning out of anger and frustration in our souls. We'll do it as a family. He knows that I can't begin to imagine my life without him. He taught me how to laugh and smile again. He's taught me that God can take a heart that's broken into pieces and when it's put back together again it has even a bigger capacity to love.

Now before I let you go, I'd like for you to think with me about how when we sin, don't you think that our Father is hurt because of our lack of concern for His place in our lives. If we hurt when our children have done wrong, how much more so does the Father when we are risking eternal life?! It's made me stop and realize again the power of grace and mercy when combined with humble obedience to the Word. May God forgive us of our wrongs and may He help us to deal with anger the way He wants us to; so that, we don't allow the Deceiver a foothold in our homes. May we recognize when breaks are needed and when time in prayer is absolutely necessary before taking the next step or saying that next word.

I promise the next time I write, I'll leave this topic alone for a while. Isn't it wonderful how God forgives and makes us new!

Acts 26:18 ‘to open their eyes, in order to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who are sanctified by faith in Me.’

We Finished Our Third Year of Home Schooling.

Once again it seems that I am writing this entry at the end of the summer instead of the beginning. It amazes me just how quickly time flies and that it is now time to get ready for reviews and some FUN practice activities. But the real purpose for writing today is just how much I learned this year.

My little man, who is now almost as tall as me, did very well and learned what we had set out for him to learn plus some. Yet, it always amazes me just how much I learn during the school year. I learned more grammar this year than I ever have. We both enjoyed Analytical Grammar Jr. A definite set of rules for how to diagram a sentence is awesome! This math mind loves to have a formula and this program fit that bill. We’ll be starting their Middle School program this year, and I can’t wait to see just how much we learn about the process of writing a good paper. I learned that we enjoy doing scripture for handwriting practice and that we both remember more scripture when we’ve written it.

I also learned that we are not ready for any type of block scheduling. We both feel less stress and remember more taking a little from each subject each day rather than trying to absorb a whole course in 9 to 18 weeks. I’m so thankful I decided up front to keep Bible, math, and English going year round. I’ve had to accept the fact that we need a definite start time each day. It’s amazing just how easy it is to put off getting started for what seems like good reasons. I found out that even with a special ball chair my little man will still find ways to fall and make noises that irritate me and the migraine (Yes, the public school teacher in me still feels like a chair needs to sit on all four legs, and that fiddling with stuff means that he’s not listening.) I feel like I have made some great strides in this area though as long as what he’s holding doesn’t make a noise and he can repeat back to me what I said I can handle him holding something in his hands and not making direct eye contact. I’ve also learned that if he’s moving when he’s learning facts and spelling words his memory is better. Yes, I know that this would not work in a classroom full of kids, but it is a benefit to schooling at home.

I think to some degree I’ve figured out how he thinks which is one of my favorite things about teaching. It’s so neat to watch him process information and then share his interpretation of the facts. I totally enjoyed history, science, and reading for this very reason. His point of view has had me looking at things in a new way and I love it!.

We set some spiritual and developmental goals for him this year as well. It has been a great joy to watch him grow in faith this year. He has become more helpful and will see a need and fill it without being asked. Those goals were more important than any academic goal we had set for him. I know now that his faith is strong and that hard headed, stubbornness that can drive me crazy will serve him well through this life. He’s also learned how to do laundry and some basic cooking. Both of these have been useful to the two of us, and little man has found joy in doing for himself.

So where do we go from here? Lord willing, we’ll start and finish another school year, we’ll both grow in faith as we study our Bible lessons this year, I’ll learn to let go more, and he will become more of an independent learner. Prayerfully, we start each day seeking how we can glorify the Father in all we say and do.

Once again, if you know me, the what I say part is the one I struggle with. I am not super mom or super teacher. I make many mistakes. There are days when all I hear is the pain and I have to work extra hard to really listen to little man, to be patient and kind. I’m praying that as he watches me struggle to live a life pleasing to God through the pain that he will also learn that no matter what adversity there is with God as our guide all things are possible.

It’s now time for me to finish packing up this years work and get the next year’s plan in ink. I know we will have good and bad days, and it’s my prayer that I’ll recognize the bad day and take the time to turn it around. Sometimes that just means leaving the room for a few minutes, sometimes it means loading up and going for a ride, or it may mean we put some of school in a bag and go to the park to work for a while.

Finally, sweet friends, I ask that you pray for us as we get ready to hit these tween years and Mama is both Mama and teacher. I’ll be praying for all of you too. Whether you school at home or if your children are in public or private school, may God give us the desire and strength to parent intentionally. To consciously make decisions and choices that will lead our children closer to the Father. May He use our mistakes to help us teach our children about grace and love, and may He allow them to see Him in us…and that we can see Him in them.