Just thinking

I have way to much time to spend inside my head,and for those closest to me that can be something that is a little scary. With the time spent at home because to often getting out with my boys as often as I want would cause more pain issues down the road. So, I sit at home and do the the unthinkable and think. The last 2 months have been rough ones,but especially the last 3 weeks. What a blessing it is to have friends, magazine articles, songs, and most importantly God's word that God uses at just the right time to help me get over the "yuck" the devil provides with the why and dealing with pain. Truly we serve an awesome God!

The waiting gets old in a hurry! Waiting for results from tests, waiting for times when the pain will ease off and give me enough of a break to be able to feel some what normal, and the waiting for my boys to get home so that I'm not alone with just the thoughts in my head.

I feel like this is a whining session, and I do hate to do that. But I did say up front that this would be a therapeutic tool for me too. So if you're looking for a Pollyanna attitude this morning, stop reading now and know I understand and love ya anyway.

One of the things I've come to terms with lately (or I'm trying to come to terms with) is that I'm not in control. Let me say that again,I'M NOT IN CONTROL! God is! I've spent so much time in prayer and know that friends and family spend time in prayer for me, yet the headache is still an unwelcome member of our family. There have been those over the last 11 years who have believed and alluded to that this is just all in my head (and it is but not the way they think). There have been those who have believed that it is my way of seeking attention (and it's not). But getting back to my not being in control, I've had/have to accept that though I believe that God is all powerful, all knowing, and all loving... it doesn't change the fact that there is pain and suffering and death in this old world. The hard part is not placing the blame for those things at the feet of God while knowing that if He chose to He could change it. I must admit to placing the blame in the wrong place at times, and while in the midst of prayer confessing that I believe that God take this headache now and knowing in full faith that it is within His power to do so...want to know the why for what we've gone through. I know that all pain and suffering are works of the devil and brought into this world by sin. It may or may not be my own sin that causes the pain and loss experienced over the years, but sin is it's root cause. It is not the cause of my Heavenly Father but of the devil who walks to and fro on this earth like a roaring lion seeking those whom he may devour. I must realize that it is not a lack of faith (and yes, there are times when I'm not on track or I allow myself to doubt my own faith) but it could very well be the strength of my faith that brings the troubles and trials into my life.

If the devil has me, then he wouldn't need to work so hard to get me. Now that sounds vain and puffed up, but I promise there is no vanity there. It is a battle, a war that it fought sometimes from moment to moment. I've come to notice over the years that my highest pain days tend to be Sunday and Wednesday, or when I soo want to get out and do something "good". I know we can't say the devil made me do it, and that with every temptation we are provided a way of escape. Well sometimes that escape is harder to find than others! I have three days out of a week that I'm "allowed" something to take for the pain on top of my preventatives. I pick Sunday and Wednesday as two of those days. Do I always when the battle with the increase in pain, no but I'm striving to win the war. Pray with me that I win the war. At the onset of the headache, I had a doctor who would give me pain meds for every day of the week. Withdrawal is as close to hell as I ever want to come, it's an awful experience. If hell is even close to that (and I know it will be worse), I have only a desire for heaven!

Well, I've definitely spent more than my allotted time on the computer today, and more than enough time bending your ears. One of the things I meant to emphasize when I sat down here this morning is how God sends us help through the waiting if we will only keep our eyes and ears open. This week He sent me my mama and daddy, Christian Women magazine loaded full of articles dealing with waiting,pain,and comfort. He also has sent me sweet FB friends with posts of encouragement, laughter, and love. He's given me my two boys, who strengthen me and allow me to feel needed when at times I feel very isolated. He's also sent me some time with a friend spent in the sunshine. So beyond a doubt, I can say what the Psalmists and many writers of the Old Testament said, God is good, His love endures forever!